Passive People Share These 7 Subtle and Toxic Traits

I want to clarify something before you start reading.

Once you start reading, a few people will come to your mind. Or maybe you will realize that it is you who is passive.

Either way, remember something.

The more you find those traits in someone, the more likely this person is passive and toxic.

Just try to ask yourself a few questions.

Is it a pattern?

Are recent events causing this?

Or is it a character weakness? How can you eliminate their toxicity from your life?

You cannot change them. The best way to help them and help yourself is to assert your boundaries.

Some of my beta readers told me they realized they are the passive ones. If that is the case, ask yourself how you can start being initiative.

Just stop labeling yourself and do something.

I request you to leave a comment and tell us if you recognized those toxic traits in yourself or in others (or both). And what you are willing to do.

Outsourcing difficult confrontations and painful actions

Passive people avoid conflict and confrontation.

That is not a surprise. Passive people do not take initiative to do anything.

So, they will not confront you with something difficult regardless of its importance.

They do not have the guts to engage in conflicts.

The dark, toxic thing they do is that they use others to do the confrontation on their behalf. To engage in their own conflicts and fight their own battles for them.

For example, a passive person knows he needs to talk to you about something important. Or, she knows she needs to talk with someone and confront them with something.

This confrontation is usually about taking responsibility for something important.

It could be a mistake they made (or that you made). A decision they need to take. Someone they need to talk to and reach a resolution.

But they do not do it directly.

They will find a way to outsource it.

Maybe they will send someone to talk on their behalf. Like literally. Someone would sit you down and talk to you or ask you about something related to this passive person.

They could not confront you. They outsourced it.

And sometimes, they will make you do it. How? Passive-aggressive behavior.

They will become passive-aggressive to make you tick and do something or say something.

In both cases, they cowardly avoid confrontation. Therefore, they avoid the responsibility and the consequences of the whole situation.

They avoid the pain, the tension, the possible embarrassment, and the discomfort.

They choose to embarrass someone else instead of embarrassing themselves.

Just like a little kid who tells his parents to get him his toy back from the neighbor’s bully instead of getting it himself, it is the adult version. And it is not pretty.

Playing the victim role when their inaction causes trouble.

When a problem unfolds, there are two choices:

• Take responsibility and start fixing.
• Play the victim role and dwell on your misery or misfortunate.

It is obvious which choice passive people choose to go with.

I am using the two words choices and choose in italic for a reason. It is a choice.

If they play the victim role long enough, it will weaken them. They will no longer be able to genuinely know what they can and cannot do.

And so, they will naturally gravitate towards it in the future. A vicious cycle.

But it starts with a choice.

And it is a perfect choice for a passive person.

They will not want to deal with all the hassle of taking responsibility because, you know, they will have to actively act and do something.

No one will do it for them. But someone can do it for them if they play the victim role.

Someone can have that difficult conversation instead of them because they just cannot do it.

Someone should understand how difficult they have it and excuse them for their shortcomings and just forgive them.

Someone would save them and solve it for them because they are helpless victims.

It is hard not to empathize with them at times.

But once you realize they are using their victimhood to stay passive and protected and avoid responsibility, you will see them for who they are.

Be wary of how people respond to life when it does not go well.

Sometimes it goes west because of their own mistakes.

Other times it is just life being itself. Either way, passive people will always play the victim role in smart and creative ways.

Unearned sense of entitlement mixed with some obliviousness

Passive people are entitled. Ultimately, with entitlement comes obliviousness.

But what makes them feel entitlement?

They do not actively take responsibility for getting what they want.

There has always been someone else who would fix things, get them what they want, and deal with the mess.

They were overprotected and lulled as children to the point of being spoiled.

So, they are now adults who feel entitled to get what they want.

They are entitled to your time and sacrifices.

In fact, they expect you to take the lead, take the initiative, and do what they lack the aggression to do.

A passive person could make a mistake and expects you to apologize or to fix the situation and make peace. Instead of them owning their mistake doing something about them.

They would simply expect you to financially help them, even when they make stupid financial decisions.

A part of them feels entitled to your help.

This part could be fostered by your own enabling behavior. So, be careful how much you help entitled people who have not earned what they expect to get.

Obliviousness is the other part.

Usually, these people believe in their entitlement.

They do not see the reality where they should take responsibility, be active, be initiative, and do something.

They see none of that. Too much entitlement can easily cause people to become oblivious to the reality of the situation — It is up to them.

They are entitled to nothing, and they should earn whatever they want.

Zero or very tamed ambition

Ambition is aggression.

It takes only a few seconds of contemplation to realize that passive people lack aggression.

And let me first clarify something. Aggression is not a bad thing. If you use it well, it is a driving force. And it exists inside all of us. We just need to control it.

To reach your goals, you need aggression. A certain level of it is necessary.

Think of someone who takes all the possible steps and actions to achieve something.

Let us say it is applying for a new job.

Applying for 50 jobs online daily, networking, developing skills, and approaching potential employers. And doing all that with a sense of conviction, not timidly or half-heartedly.

That is aggression.

And to fulfill our ambition, we need aggression.

In fact, to even want better things and have dreams, we need to have a certain level of aggression.

And if you think about it, aggression is the opposite of being passive.

When you are being proactive, you are being aggressive. When you take the initiative, you are being aggressive.

Being aggressive correlates with your ambition because of two reasons.

• You are trying to achieve wild dreams, so you are being this serious.
• You have wild dreams and want more of life because you are aggressive and competitive.

Or both.

Either way, passive people lack this aggression.

So, they either have little to no ambition. Or they have big ambition but because of their passiveness, it has been tamed and surpassed.

It is unfulfilled, unrealized, and cannot express itself. Why? Because the person is taking timid actions.

One of the lessons I learned from Mark Manson was this:

When in doubt, err on the side of aggression. Choose the bolder action.

He meant that you should take the blower action rather than taking no action or choosing the safer one. And it takes a certain amount of aggression to do that.

Passive people lack that. Therefore, it directly affects their ambition and the result they get in their lives.

Resentment and anger

Passive people do not get what they want.

Why? Simply because they do not do what it takes. They are, well, …passive!

And they usually do not speak up for themselves when they feel oppressed.

That is a receipt for resentment.

They will resent the people around them and the world for not getting what they want.

They will feel bitter and angry towards life and/or people because they cannot get what they want.

Think about it this way. Those people are too passive to get what they want, so they end up not getting it.

And they are too passive to speak up about that. So, they end up bottling up unbearable feelings of resentment and bitterness.

Those feelings show up in their behaviors.

Because those feelings are too painful, they have to let them out. They do that through many subtle or obvious behaviors and words.

Insulting people, bullying, being passive-aggressive, putting people down, enjoying the suffering of others (and themselves), or taking revenge (or thinking about taking revenge. To mention only a few.

I wrote about this in further detail here. You can check it out. But generally, resentment cannot be hidden.

Confusing calmness and patience with passivity

This one is tricky.

It is an excuse they use. And sometimes, it is a justification you give for their painful lack of actions.

They appear or pretend to be calm and patient.

They will convince you that they are calm, patient, and just waiting for the right moment and do not want to be hasty.

Liars.

And the worst part is that they sometimes lie to themselves. They actually believe they are calm and patient, not passive.

The difference is simple.

Look at the consequences of their “calmness and patience”. If it is catastrophic, it probably means it is just a form of avoidant and self-delusion. A form of being passive without feeling guilty.

It is too painful for them to admit that they are passive and scared.

So, they pretend to assume they are delaying action because they are patient or calm.

Fear, deception, and inauthenticity are the driving force.

Always refer to the consequences of a behavior to understand the motivation behind it.

Calmness and patience are supposed to be based on wisdom. And wisdom should yield good results.

If not, it could be just a passive person refusing to admit they are afraid of doing what they need to do.

Unreliability

This one does not even require an explanation.

You cannot rely on a passive person. How can you rely on a person who does not take action?

They will simply be passive regarding the things they promised you to do. It is their lifestyle.

Generally, unreliability is never a good sign. It could mean so many things and none of which is good.

But when it comes to the bigger picture and the reality of passive people, unreliability is always there. You cannot rely on them.

You cannot rely on a coward who wouldn’t follow through. Fulfilling promises means taking action. And, well, no need to explain further.

—

This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

***

You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:

White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock