Admitting you need help, as a man, is one thing. Actively seeking out the person who’s going to hold your secrets and let you discuss your well-hidden inadequacies without judgment is an entirely different beast. It’s a decision involving a lot of trial and error, often enduring months of appointments and disappointments.
The world is dark and full of daily trauma; be it personal or via exposure. We’re unable to shield ourselves from the toxic triggers that affect our mental and emotional stability. While we try our best to push those reactions to the side or smother them through tweets or Facebook statuses, eventually those feelings spill out. There have been a few times that I’ve cried myself to sleep after a black man took his last breaths on a cell phone camera, a gruesome scene that even now I can’t shake.
I didn’t need my therapist to be black to be able to grasp my anxiety and fears around being a black man. But I did need him to know if he could identify with being treated like less than.
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The internet lacks helpful articles that offer a set of criteria as guidance for black men in finding a therapist. Being that I have experienced in the process I hope I’m of help to a guy reading this who is looking for a place to start.
Find a doctor who specializes in your background:
There’s certain nuances about being a person of color that white doctors won’t understand or relate to. One of the first questions I asked when I switched therapists is what his experience was as a man of color (he’s Southeast Asian). I didn’t need my therapist to be black to be able to grasp my anxiety and fears around being a black man. But I did need him to know if he could identify with being treated like less than. Sticking with therapy is easier when you have a doctor who can empathize with your daily experience.
Avoid the doctor who wants to automatically label you:
One of the underlying deterrents from minorities seeking therapy is that they don’t believe in mental illness. We’re taught to believe that that stuff doesn’t happen to us. Some people associate view therapists as conduits to detecting illnesses for patients. And there are doctors, like psychiatrists and psychotherapists, will do that. But seeing someone doesn’t mean that something is medically wrong with you. If it’s discovered that you’re bipolar or suffer from clinical depression, then the doctor will prescribe the proper medication to manage it. However, the whole point of therapy is to gain back control over your life mentally and emotionally. Medication plays a small part of that.
A great therapist is one that’ll strip you of the BS facade and force you to confront the “whys” and “hows” in your life.
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Stay away from life coaches:
It seems like everyone today is a self-proclaimed life coach. I don’t knock anyone’s hustle but the reality is a life coach is not equipped to help you in a way that a therapist can. Just because their story mirrors yours doesn’t mean that they can get you to where they are. It’s not a therapist’s job to be your cheerleader or yell buzz-words at you. You’re not going to get the keys to success or a relationship cheat code in a 6-12 week session. A great therapist is one that’ll strip you of the BS facade and force you to confront the “whys” and “hows” in your life. Therapists are concerned with your recovery and restoration, not a nicely worded testimonial or a neat finished product.
Pick one that focuses on your particular need:
For a long time, I didn’t know what my problem was. After intense therapy, I learned to move beyond my abandonment issues. Maybe you’re dealing with a loss. Maybe you’re trying to hold it together in a world that’s falling apart. Different therapists are available for any crisis you may be going through. There is no one-size-fits-all. Whatever becomes the reason that you decide to get professional help, it’s paramount to begin therapy with someone who has significant experience in that singular area.
Not only do we have to do a better job of taking care of ourselves but we have to do a better job of taking care of each other.
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I’ve written about therapy a lot in the past year. I wasn’t comfortable talking about it because I didn’t know how common the sentiment was. Although, The Good Men Project has helped start a conversation that is needed for all men—but most valuable to men of color. We can’t afford to make excuses and push our mental/emotional health to the background.
Not only do we have to do a better job of taking care of ourselves but we have to do a better job of taking care of each other. There’s a level of compassion and community that I’ve seen be rejuvenated in the spirit of the BLM movement and protests. However, it’s bigger than that. The mental health of an entire community is bigger than its tragedies.
A version of this article was previously published on 30 and Beyond.
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Photo: Getty Images
In many ways you’re very correct in this article. It takes a long time to find a therapist who is a good ‘fit’ for you. However I have to question if finding a therapist with your background is as necessary qualification. This tends to set the expectation that only a therapist who’s been raped can help a rape victim, or only a therapist who’s seen combat is qualified to work with someone who’s experiencing combat PTSD. This isn’t so.