Playing Defense in Your Marriage Won’t Work

“Don’t rock the boat. Don’t tip the boat over.”

The Hues Corporation

When you and your wife are facing a challenging issue do you take it head on or do you hunker down and hope that it just goes away?

I was thinking about this during my conversation with Sam. He called looking for help with his marriage. His major complaint? It’s been without sex for 50 years.

Yes, 50 years.

He seemed bemused because his wife “seems to be okay” with that.

Sam is an extreme case but the average time a person knows they are having difficulties in their marriage before they reach out for help is seven years.

Now, that doesn’t mean there haven’t been conversations or attempts to address the problem. But, without the proper skills or guidance, you haven’t been successful.

It’s human nature to be comfortable. Really digging in and addressing challenges is scary.

Hunkering down makes sense when you’re caught in a snowstorm, or a hurricane is coming. But those are time limited events.

An issue in your marriage will continue until it is addressed. The longer you wait, the more difficult finding resolution will be.

Playing defense won’t get you there.

In football, having a good defense can keep the other team from scoring. But, if you want to win, you have to find a way to put points on the board. So, you need to have a game plan to score those points.

But, because you don’t know how things are going to work out in a conversation with your wife, you worry about rocking the boat. You don’t want to sink your entire marriage, so you hesitate.

If you try to make her comfortable by not honestly addressing your concerns, you can end up like Sam. Living in a marriage that doesn’t have room for your needs is neither healthy nor sustainable.

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And rocking the boat is not always a bad choice. If you’re stuck on a sandbar, rocking the boat may be your only way to safety. You need to do it carefully, so you don’t capsize the boat. Knowing the right way to free yourself is the key.

And you and your marriage deserve the same.

What do you need to know or do to be able to put points on your marriage board?