What to do when the woman you love is just not herself anymore?
This post was originally published at The Daddy Files and printed with my wife’s permission.
I hate this dance we do.
It starts with something small. Something barely noticeable. Sometimes it even masks itself as something positive. Like maybe you suddenly decided to clean the house from top to bottom. To the untrained eye that’s a good thing. But this isn’t my first rodeo and I know better. I know this was a compulsion you couldn’t control. An imperative mandated by the demons that echoes through the corridors of your mind until you comply. It would be fine if you wanted to make the house sparkle, but that’s not the case. You HAD to do it.
I try to shake it off by rationalizing that at least it wasn’t something harmful. Like the time I came home from work and noticed your swollen hand. You told me you got so angry you just started punching the bedroom door. Nothing specific caused your anger. Which is scary. And I won’t even get into the senseless arguments we have on an increasing basis.
The meds are losing their effectiveness. You know it and I know it. But neither of us want to admit it. This is, perhaps, the most insidious part of your condition. It’s certainly the most unfair. You work so hard to get things under control and find the right balance of medications. So many medications. It takes months and requires perfect precision.
A little of this in the morning, the other pill at night. That’s not working? OK, let’s switch the morning and evening pills. Still not quite right? Take this pill two hours after the other ones and see if that balances things out? No? OK, let’s introduce this medication in 200 milligrams. If that doesn’t work, we’ll up the dosage. What? You can’t sleep at night because you’re wired? OK, let’s cut that back to 250 milligrams and here, let’s try this medication.
It’s all trial and error and it’s all exhausting. While the doctors play with dosages and pill bottles until they find something that works, you’re lost. Not literally. I mean you’re still here in the house with me. But you’re not really you. Not by a longshot.
You’re an irritable, worn-out shell of the woman I love. You’re angry and picking fights despite my pleas to steer clear of them. Unfortunately you need a patient, understanding man. I am neither of those things. I’m argumentative and your nonsensical rants don’t compute in my black and white world. I know you’re wrong—hell, I think you even know you’re wrong—yet you keep coming at me.
You’re mad at me for meaningless things of little-to-no consequence. You’re mad at me for not letting you lie to your doctors. You just finished screaming at me because I don’t want to spend money we don’t have on converting our son’s crib to a full-sized bed, even though Will already has a twin bed. We don’t talk anymore, we battle.
And I know I should just take it and let it crash against me and wash over me like a rock against the tide. But I can’t. I’m not wired that way. The catch-22 is that I’ve begged you to be honest with me. To open up and tell me what you’re thinking. But when you do I’m horrified and hurt by the things that come out.
You want to leave. You don’t think you’re any good. You think we’d be better off without you. You consider harming yourself. You want to run away and disappear because you’re CERTAIN everyone is judging you. That particular paranoia floods your mind and heart to the point it becomes your truth, and no amount of proof to the contrary can convince you otherwise.
But the most troubling part is you no longer want help, because help means doing the dance all over again.
Hell, I can’t blame you. To have to feel like this every few years is torture. You spend months finding the exact balance of medication that allows you to function on a daily basis. Not to make you feel great, mind you. Just enough to get by. I can’t imagine hoping that the best case scenario is that my mood will stabilize at slightly below happy.
If we get lucky, the meds work for awhile and that’s nice. It was a couple years this last time. But then it stops working and the demons return. Suddenly you have to start from scratch. And the upcoming months to find the right mix of meds might as well be an eternity.
And yes, I know life off the meds is enticing because you actually feel better. At least at first. But even though you feel like Superwoman off the medication, we both know it’s fleeting. You can’t live life in fast forward because you’ll crash, leading to life in slow motion. And I think we both remember how awful that is.
So we enter the fray once again. Not because we want to, but because we have to. It isn’t fun and I hate it. It’s 100 times worse for you and it kills me to see you struggle. But it’s important because I love you and I need you here with me. And Will needs you too. You’re his mom. You make this family tick and without you everything grinds to a halt.
My wife is in there somewhere and I want her back. I know it might only be for a year, maybe even less before we have to do this again. But it’s worth it. You’re worth it. It’s not fair that you’re saddled with this battle against yourself while your own mind tries to trick you and lead you astray, but this is the hand we’ve been dealt. And we’ll fight this battle again and again. However many times it takes. Together. Because I miss your smile. The playful flicker in your eyes. And I’d beg, borrow and steal for the return of your laugh.
I miss my wife but she will come back to me. She has to.
—Photo svaboda!/Flickr
This breaks my heart to read. The reason/ I’m unfortunately in love with a lil 36yr old full-blown paranoid schizophrenic. When the demons are under control, she’s the biggest sweetheart. When they aren’t, she breaks my heart with her words. I don’t know what to do!!!
Aaron,
I’m married and have also faced this incredibly painful seemingly insurmountable ordeal. I have a few questions/ideas: Is your wife receiving psychotherapy, or just psychiatric medication? Also, have you looked into group therapy? Its proven to be invaluable with Bipolar (which is what I’m guessing is going on here) and other forms of severe mental illness. Best of luck. My thoughts an prayers are with you.
Not everyone has the fortitude of the author. Loooong engagements are a good idea when dealing with mental illness. You must go into the reationship with your eyes wide open. It is not easy. Women have more of an advantage when it comes to foresight. Typical onset for males is 18, for females 30 and/or the birth of the first child.
I’m speaking of shizophrenia. As a parent, it is even tougher to walk away from the one you love. The expectation when you have children is to care for them until they reach eighteen or their early twenties. Then you realize it’s a lifetime of moments described in the article.
Currently going through this with my spouse. My heart goes out to you and your family. Hang in there – we’re with you.
Me too Heather. It is so very difficult. Mine doesn’t really recognize it and refuses to try meds again, having been on three and hating the effects…..
It is very hard, very very hard. And she keeps trying to stay normal, to be quiet, but then, a little thing makes her lose it, and the frustration for this is making everything even worse, so she just explodes in anger. It is hard, she HAS to be loving and a good mother and wife, yet she knows very well that she NEEDS something else. She needs to step back and take time for herself, to clarify her mind. Meds are only covering the root of her problems. She needs to be alone and find out a way to… Read more »
Reading this was hard for me. I am bipolar, and I see a LOT of myself in what you wrote about your wife. Sadly, I am pretty sure my husband will be able to relate to your experiences in more ways than one. Thank you for being so candid about what mental illness can look like when both are equally affected, just in different ways.
When reading this article, I thought of a previous article posted to this site: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-arent-crazy/ I know that there are many factors involved in mental illness, and I have no intention of disrespecting the very real pain communicated in this piece, but I think it can be helpful to remember that women are often stigmatized as “crazy” in many spheres of life just because they are sensitive in ways the dominant patriarchal culture isn’t. Sometimes the pain is about something bigger, like the human experience of having lost a sense of communion with nature (including the nature of our own… Read more »
You wonderful, wonderful man. Stay strong.
Aaron– Thank you for this article. I have to admit that after reading it I broke down in tears because it reminds me so much of how my own boyfriend is with me when I get “crazy.” Although I’ve never been medicated nor diagnosed per se, I frequently experience these waves of deep depression and anger, crying spells and fits of irrationality that the average person would have no time or patience for. Most people know nothing about any of this; only very close friends and my boyfriend. Even my own family is unaware of my unrelenting mental anguish. I… Read more »
Aaron, this was a beautiful letter. It is full of hope, whether you know it or not. As a former sufferer of severe post-partum depression, I know how important it is just to hear that you are there. It might not seem important now, but when the hormonal balance comes (whether through a combination of meds and therapy or the sudden correct cocktail of meds) that allows a little sanity, your wife will remember that you were there. I wish you both peace, and am hopeful for you that there will be continued progress and growing moments of happiness.
I don’t know if this post will be helpful or not, but fish oil, vitamin d and niacin, are very powerful supplements which support depression and assist with some mental health issues. Look up Dr Andrew Saul and niacin in particular. Good luck with your battle; I admire you both for hanging in there, and working your way through all the dramas. Not all partners make that choice! Cheers
I cannot believe that you call yourself impatient and not understanding. It’s clear to me that you are both of these or you wouldn’t still be there. Most people flee when an issue like this would arise…at least in my experience. Reading this was like reading the ‘love letter” I’ve longed to receive all my life. I am still longing to be somewhat “understood” or that someone would even try. Although I am in a long term relationship…whenever it comes to a head, I feel as though it is again swept under the rug and I have to put on… Read more »
I feel for your wife. It sounds like torture, and It is so unfair that anyone has to live like that, due to some faulty brain chemistry they can’t control. You are a strong and devoted person for hanging in–especialy when you’re the target of her depression. I do think, however, there need to be boundaries and expectations. No one should have to put up with abuse, even when it is not intentional. A lot of people would leave. My best to both of you.
I agree with Pauline that there have to be boundaries. We can’t help the things we feel, but we are in control of the things we do.
I feel for you Aaron and it sounds like a very difficult experience.I especially feel for your son and hope that you realize the incredible impact this is having on him – adults often do not seem to realize this. He is who I would be most concerned about, much moreso than your wife. I used to be a lot like your wife and meds alone will not solve the challenges – they never do. My first thought – your wife is suffering from untreated trauma (I work in the field) and the marriage and mother role are triggering the… Read more »
I agree with Dan Griffin that it really sounds like your wife is struggling with the effects of trauma. My husband and I both know this pain, so we also both know the pain of loving a partner who acts crazy, sometimes. I won’t even go into all of the ways motherhood triggered me, except to say, I’ve had a complicated history, and I really feel for your wife. Unlike Griffin’s no doubt unintentional slighting of your wife’s suffering, I feel for her and for you very much. Head meds are crazy. That is my opinion as a writer and… Read more »
You reject psychiatric labels yet you use the term “crazy” in this context? As a writer you should know better.
my boyfriend had moderate depression, & the meds made him somehow more depressing to be around than when he was med-free & faking it. I tried. I tried so fucking hard, I really did. he left. thank you for being a better man than me. hold onto her, no matter what.
Mental illness has impacted the lives of many people that I care about. Recovery is a long, often difficult journey. This path is a balancing act of many elements. A strong and loving support network seems to be one of the most important of these elements. Unconditional love in the face of the most challenging of circumstances. Thanks for sharing your story. Hang in there, man. I wish you and your wife the best.
Thank you for this beautifully written article. You give us a reminder of what it truly means to be married.
Aron, Your article is beautifully written and I hate to hear that you have to deal with this issue. You are a good man to hang in there and work through it with your wife. Too many people would give up and while you didn’t write it I have to imagine it crosses your mind sometime while in the midst of the depression. I’ve had to deal with this sort of thing with my father and we went one point for over 2 years recently without talking. We recently got back in touch but I’m always on the edge when… Read more »
I had to deal with a mini-version of this with my first ex. The sad true is that your last line is a lie. They don’t have to come back. And sometimes you have to admit you’ve done all you can and save yourself or drown with them.
I’m not telling you what to do. Only your heart knows that. It’s a tough ass road you’re walking down, though.
As the mom of two mentally ill teenagers, I can totally relate to your story. I have seen them at their best, and I have seen them at their worst, and it is always scary when the demons take them away, because I am not sure that they will come back to us. It is a constant juggling act, of meds, of treatment, etc. to see if they will respond, and yet our youngest, who is healthy, who will be okay, Such a horrible struggle – my heart goes out to your whole family.
I am this women, Maybe not exactly but the description of the disorder is me but I jsut wish my husband was the same. Or at least that he would tell me that is still there for me. I am getting better and I need him so much right now but he has almost lost paitence with me, he has no more energy.
I really appreciate this article. I’m going through something very similar with my wife right now (different disorder but the same chaotic effect on our lives). I was just on another site asking how people get through this kind of thing because honestly I’m at sea these days. I’m doing my best to hold her up but sometimes I just feel like the weight of it all is too much. I’m glad I checked in on this site just now and once again I really appreciate what you’ve written here.
Hang in there Eric. I don’t have any answers, but it’s nice to know there are other people who feel adrift. Thanks for the comment.
You did such a wonderful job capturing the bizarre, frustrating contradictions of mental illness. I have struggled with depressive episodes for my entire life. I’m just working my way out of one right now. It is always hard to see the effect that I have on others around me when I go from perfectly normal to almost non-functional. The people I am alienating and isolating from my life are the ones that I most depend on to get better.
What a beautifully written piece. I have bipolar disorder and agoraphobia and have read much about the suffering on my side of the story. But it’s not often that the people who must deal with the sick person are represented. I hope your wife uses the good times to express how much she appreciates your support.
Nice article. Well written, thoughtful, and revealing of a scenario that is more common than publicized because men don’t usually complain and certainly more seldom write about their personal struggles than do women. The writer is a good example of many long-suffering husbands who get little to no credit for hanging in there living with someone other than the woman they fell in love with, often for life. But, he knows that he made a commitment, so he soldiers on, tries and hopes for the best. It’s not so much that women initial 3x more divorces than men (although they… Read more »