Marie Franklin’s daughter paints her grandson’s nails, and she doesn’t understand why people have a problem with this.
I raised my kids pretty well, one boy and one girl. I am very proud of them both, especially for their acceptance of various gender and sexuality issues and orientations, and their general love for people of all kinds. My daughter has two kids, also one boy, 3, and one girl, 6.
She is such an excellent parent! I’m so proud of her, and of my beautiful grandkids. She also picked a wonderful husband.
As with all siblings, my grandkids want to play with whatever the other one has or do what they are doing. My granddaughter is the older child so she sets the stage most of the time and her little brother is eager to emulate her.
She is a girly girl, but also a tomboy. She loves dresses and frills but also wants to wear cowboy boots. Like most girls, once she found out what nail polish was she wanted some on her fingernails and toenails ASAP. And when she gets her nails painted, my grandson wants his painted, too.
Why wouldn’t he? His sister is doing it, and it looks really cool. Little kids aren’t homophobic. Unless it happens in their own home, they don’t know that you can be shamed for being a boy and having painted fingernails.
And my daughter and son-in-law aren’t ignorant enough to think that painting your son’s fingernails will “make him gay”.
Even if he does eventually identify as gay, she would happily accept him anyway. But being 3 and wanting your fingernails painted is not an indicator of a person’s sexual orientation. It is simply emulating the behavior of others, and the desire comes from the fact that nail polish is indeed cool. Body adornment of any kind is fun for kids.
So when my grandson asks to have his toenails and fingernails painted, my daughter’s and her husband answer “Sure son, what color would you like?”
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Many moms and dads would say “no”. To which the boy would inevitably ask “Why?” The answer would usually then be, “Because it is only for girls”.
But my daughter and son-in-law don’t believe nail polish is only for girls. In fact where we live, it is kind of a fashion thing for guys to wear nail polish. It doesn’t mean you are gay. It doesn’t mean you are feminine. It is a simple body adornment, a choice anyone can make. It causes no harm, is removed simply, and is really fun.
Does everything we do have to be gender policed?
I have no doubt that there are some adults who see my grandson’s painted nails and think it is a tragedy that his parents would allow this. Yes, there are still people who think something like this can “make you gay”. Or even just that, “Is only for girls, so you are making your son look like a girl,” with the implication that there is something dangerous about doing this. And yet, my daughter does it anyway because it is fun and my grandson loves it. Some glances from other adults trying to shame her don’t matter.
Actually, I think she thinks it is funny that other people feel this way and enjoys shocking them a bit. Little pushes at people’s boundaries are a good thing.
When I see my grandkids and they have both just had their nails done, they can’t wait to show me! Sometimes they have something fancy like every nail painted a different color, or blue on one foot, red on the other foot, purple on one hand and pink on the other.
They get excited about the creative choices they’ve made in nail design.
When they visit me, I paint their nails too, if they want it done. I have different colors than they have at home so it is a whole new adventure.
I know that one day my grandson will encounter someone who tries to shame him about the nail polish, and he might even decide not to do it anymore as a result. That is the real shame, but it will likely happen. He is too young right now to be aware of how mean people can be to you if you don’t conform to gender roles. But like all of us, he will learn the hard way.
Some parents would say “no” to the nail polish on a boy to save him from that potential shame coming from older kids and adults. But my daughter and her hubby are brave souls and are on the leading edge of some important changes we need to see in the world. As parents, they can handle those shaming adults and kids for their son, for now.
When it comes time for him to understand what shaming is and that is can occur for something like a boy wearing fingernail polish, he can decide for himself whether to stand up to the shame or cave in to it. And his parents will honor his choice. But I know they will encourage him not to give power to those who shame us for gender choices, especially something as harmless as painted fingernails.
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You might also like:
It’s a Pink Revolution…for Boys!
Lego Friends Can Go Straight to Hell, or Why Gendered Toys are Bad for Kids
Yes, I’m Letting My Son Wear Pink Dresses
Balancing Fear and Hope Raising a Gender Non-Comforming Son
How to Tell if a Toy is for Boys or Girls
Parenting Without Gender Expectations Means Accepting All Outcomes
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Photo courtesy of the author
Actually Tammy, it is only a relatively recent phenomenon of fashion that dictates men to be drab. All through history the men wore lots of colorful plumage. And actually, nail color was invented for the ruling men in china about 3000 years ago. Remember the 1700’s most recently. Suddenly the fashion turned in the mid 1800’s and somehow everybody got the idea that that was there way it was supposed to be. Women have taken a lot of fashion from men over history and for the most part after a few tongue clucks society accepts it. But have a male… Read more »
I’m constantly amazed at how opposite human beings are compared to most of the animal world in regard to looking pretty or colorful. Generally the male is supposed to be more colorful, more decorated, more flashy.
Teaching him to fear something he does because “kids might beat you up” is just another way of shaming him.
You would be amazed what kids are capable of, and the level of violence that some teachers are willing to tolerate in the playground.
And how do you know what I would be amazed by? How do you know what I have seen and been through?
I’m fine if you don’t want your kid doing something because they might get beat up or any other parenting decision you make, because I’ll assume you know what is best for YOUR child. But you do not know what is best for mine.
Mike, no offense, but you sound a bit like someone who is made uncomfortable by boys in makeup and nail polish, and when adults communicate that discomfort to their sons, their sons put those lessons into action with their fists.
Right on, Marie. Kudos to you.
While I agree that we shouldn’t gender police, and that painting nails won’t make a boy gay, this post is ignorant of the violence that many boys face.
Going to school with painted nails can get you beaten up. That is a good reason to tell your son not to paint his nails.
If you want to change the world, then great, but make adults do the hard work, and don’t make your son a target.
I’ve been thinking the same thing occasionally. In this situation gender policing is an evil, but it may be the lesser evil, when compared to bullying. Of course you have to draw the line somewhere with that line of thinking: If children are bullied for being perceived as nerds, does that mean it is better to dicourage them from reading and getting educated?
Many boys chose not to read or get educated, to avoid being precived as nerds. However reading and getting educated are far more benifical then getting his nails painted. So they are worth the risk.
Educate your kids not to bully. Make sure that the teachers on are board. Fight for it politically. Don’t make excuses for why it’s “dangerous.” The problem is that it’s “dangerous,” not that boys wear nail polish. Since one solves problems, not non-problems, we know were to focus our attention. The problem is middle aged people remembering their own childhoods and unconsciously making them happen in the next generation.