Please Don’t Hug Me When You See Me

Excluding the virus scenario, people in general, are very touchy. I don’t know how they do it but I’m far from comfortable with it.

People want to shake hands when they meet, they want to exchange warm hugs. While I understand it’s a polite gesture, I could never develop a feeling of comfort around it.

Not that I’m not okay with it. But I’m comfortable involving in it only if I’ve had enough time to prepare myself for it or initiate it myself (which is rare). Say for instance Tina (fictional) is a really good friend and is a hugger.I go…

“Okay, be prepared for a hug.”

“Be prepared for a hug.”

“It’s only a hug.”

“No big deal.”

With that sort of self-talk, the touch becomes less awkward for me. But when it’s unexpected, it triggers all levels of awkwardness and uncomforting. There have even been times when I’ve flinched just because touching doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does to the other person. I’ve regretted flinching because I’ve never meant to flinch and make the other person feel bad. It makes them think I’m rude, reserved, or unapproachable which is not true. It happens subconsciously because my mind is too attached to the idea of not touching, which in my world, has always been normal.

And it doesn’t just end at greetings. I’ve had a hard time liking both physical caretaking and being physically taken care of. Also, a simple act like allowing a friend to rest their head on my shoulder is not easy.

Who’s to blame?

Countless times, I’ve seen mothers of children hugging them. Other countless times, friends hugging each other. Surprisingly, even the ones who are not so close. To be honest and quite contrary to my feelings, it does look comforting. I know it is warm. And I’m aware of my sad truth that it’s pretty normal for everybody else.

I came across a study that said, the reasons for it come from how we were raised, concluding that,

“Hugging is an important element in a child’s emotional upbringing.”

Counseling professor, Suzanne Degges-White mentions,

“Our tendency to engage in physical touch — whether hugging, a pat on the back, or linking arms with a friend — is often a product of our early childhood experiences.”

Parents who are frequent huggers are likely to have kids who grow up to be huggers. In a similar way, hug avoidant parents will pass on the same trait to their kids.

This did ring true for me. My parents have been the less-hugging kind.

I can’t blame them because they’ve inherited this from their parents and it is now being passed on to me. Would I have liked them to be a Lil different than their parents? Of course. But does that make me feel less loved? No. For all I know, they might’ve tried but failed. Even if they don’t express affection physically, they express it well through all other things they do for me.

There is also some cultural element involved here. I’m from India where, like most Asian countries, showing love through physical affection is somewhat uncommon. It’s expected that your people understand that you love them without having to say anything. It’s a beautiful concept — to understand someone’s love without expressing it. But it’s not efficient enough. Luckily, I can see the society coming out of it and growing more affectionate.

Sadly, a lot of it has created a home in the roots. And crushing the roots is a long road.

However, I’ve been okay with it for longer than I can remember. It was never a problem because to me, it didn’t seem of genuine importance until a point. A point where I finally started to take notice of the affection that came with the touch. Where I saw more and more people being engaged in it. Families. Friends. Lovers. Colleagues. Hell even strangers!

That was when it hit me what I’ve been missing out on. Silly-ly, it felt like everybody was a part of this place of warmth and affection except me. And now that I had been out for too long, everybody else in this place appeared uninviting.

Touches are good and I like them. Even for people like me who loathe physical contact, touches have the same effect as they do on other people — helping you feel loved. But as I try to come out of it, I realize that the hardships will be on the rise. As it is a feeling that takes shape over a course of many years, there are other things that come along with the package. Things like anxiety and Insecurity. It eats up the room for self-confidence and makes one for self-doubts, leaving you overly conscious about the simplest of things.

Of course, I want to unlearn it

If touch avoidance is a feeling that develops over time, I could, through my patience, settle it down and become a touch welcoming self. Human-to-human contact is essential for our maximum well-being and it’s without a doubt something I’d want for myself. But, without the un-comfort.

I’m ready to relish this feeling like normal people do but I can’t simply go all-in yet. Instead, what can work and has also been working to some extent is, absorbing the touch in bits.

I mentioned above that when I’m aware that a touchy friend is going to initiate some physical contact, I prepare myself for it in advance. This method has shown good results because it helps me feel less awkward with touches. Because I see potential in it, I believe I can slowly expand on the idea. This means, not just preparing myself for the physical contact initiated by a touchy friend but also from any person I meet.

Or maybe the least I could do is not flinch.

Unexpected touches freak me out, so if I prepare myself for it every time I meet someone, the feeling will soon go away and I’ll dwell in comfort.

I believe it’s all in the head, mostly. So by training my mind to feel okay about it, slowly but with calmness, I can grow into this place of warmth that seems foreign for now.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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