In the grocery store some years ago, I remember seeing a tabloid headline that said something to the effect that Jennifer Aniston and Emma Stone were “at war” over Jennifer’s ex-husband Justin Theroux. While the story was undoubtedly BS, it triggered an automatic BUT WHY???? response from me. Because grasping after someone who is no longer (or never was) interested in being involved with you is also undoubtedly BS.
Word.
Look, we have all seen the movies that make stalking seem romantic (it is not) or taking revenge on an unfaithful lover or spouse heroic (also: not), but these premises overlook the most important bottom line you can ever come to embrace in your lifetime: there should be nothing less interesting to you than someone who isn’t interested in you.
Word.
And while most everybody has a story about a love match that only came about due to the persistence of one of the partners, that is usually all we have. One story. Because most of the happy couples we know came together as the result of mutual attraction and considered courtship.
It really is that simple. Two people who know themselves well enough to understand their own preferences, triggers, boundaries and life goals who find each other and discover, in the course of considered courtship, that they are a good match. That is the first phase of most marriages that end in a “happily ever after”.
A relationship that begins with a significant imbalance–as in one of you is WAY MORE into the other–tends to remain that way to some degree. Which might sound like a good deal for the partner who is being showered with love and approval, but actually? Not so much.
Here’s why: the adored partner has no real motivation to grow or change because the other is so fearful of losing their “beloved”, that they never establish healthy boundaries or push back on uncooperative behaviors. So the “loved one” either slumps into complacency OR grows bored and eventually wanders off to find someone else. Meanwhile, their significant other has never felt safe or free enough to express his or her whole being, for fear of rejection.
Does that sound healthy to you? Two people living at so much less than full capacity, one never feeling the power of the full expression of their love, the other never receiving it? We can all do better than that, and if we don’t believe this is so, that is the crux of the entire matter.
Why are so many of us drawn to people who let us know, whether by word or action, that we are not quite up to their standards? Why are we attracted to the message that we are not “good enough”? Because it is reinforcing a belief that we already have, and everybody loves someone who agrees with them.
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So let’s return to the (fake) story about Jennifer Aniston’s divorce. Let’s say you, like Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, have a long term relationship that seems to be going pretty well; let’s say the two of you decide to “make it official” and get married. Then, let’s say that after a period of time, you two, like Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, decide to get a divorce.
So you officially end your partnership by mutual agreement. Would it not then be INSANE to be “at war” with your ex-spouse’s current flame, as Jennifer Aniston was reported to be in the (fake) story? Of course it would, because your relationship is OVER and it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS who is dating who.
But let’s say the water is muddier than that–your spouse actually LEFT YOU for someone else. Surely then, it would be appropriate to be “at war” with his or her new love, right? Right???
Actually? No. Not at all, for a lot of very good reasons.
First, unless your soon-to-be ex-spouse’s new partner is your sister or something (and I know it happens, you have my condolences), the new person owes you nothing. You have no idea what kind of tales of woe your partner was feeding them or, as is sometimes the case, they even knew you existed until the relationship was established. But no matter what the situation, they are likely a stranger to you and you are not the morality police; you are just someone who made a bad match (or outgrew a match you made when you were young) and deserves better.
See, that is what you are: someone who deserves better. So why grasp after a person who rejected you? And why lower yourself to roll around in the mud with the unlucky recipient of your deficit spouse?
It is beneath your dignity. Conduct yourself like the kind of partner you want to attract–mature, self-possessed, emotionally stable–and that is the kind of person you will end up with. Instead of the cretin you just unloaded, which seems like a good swap to me.
Okay, but what about the kids and/or property, if applicable?
Well, hopefully you won’t have to go “to war” over that, and you will be able to negotiate an equitable arrangement that entails the least collateral damage for the kids, if applicable. Your love relationship may have ended, but your partnership on these matters can still be a healthy one. The reality is, if the relationship was fractured enough to end in such a manner, both you and your children are better off seeking higher ground anyhow.
But I was wronged!!!!
I know you feel that way now, and that is okay. You can only heal your hurt by admitting it and spending some time processing those emotions. But at the end of the day, you are not a “victim”; you are just someone who made a bad match and deserves better.
Holding on to anger, recrimination and regret will not stop your ex from doing whatever they are going to do; it will only stop you from living the life you deserve. And if you have children, your bitterness will be more damaging to them than the end of their parents’ marriage; if you can’t accept that you deserve better, at least understand that they do. Would you ever allow your kids to wallow and give up on themselves because of one disappointment, no matter how great?
Of course you wouldn’t. You would tell them that brighter days and better opportunities are ahead for them. You would say, “I believe in you, I want only the best for you and I am cheering you on all the way.”
So how about if you say that to yourself?
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Honestly, I think one of the most damaging beliefs we have is that love entails “ownership”. That is, that once you are in a committed relationship, you “own” each other (you belong to me!) and that the loss of that bond is somehow a “theft”. But adults are not meant to “own” each other in any context, and the very fact that we frame our marriages this way could be a big part of why so many of them end.
Because when you think of anything you want–be it love, money, success, happiness–the underlying goal of each of them is freedom. Freedom to be ourselves in a relationship and have that accepted wholly; freedom from financial worry; freedom from unrealized dreams. We can’t treat our partners like prisoners and not expect at some point they will try to climb the barbed wire fence to escape.
That’s the irony of it all; the more freedom we feel in our primary relationship, the less likely we are to leave it. The less we chase after people, the less likely they are to run away. The less we believe we “need” someone else, the more likely we are to have a healthy partnership.
When someone wants to walk away from you, my suggestion is you hold the door open and usher them on their way. And good riddance. Don’t punish yourself (and your children, if applicable) for their decision.
Look at it as a clear sign that you are worthy of so much more.
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