When was the last time you looked deeply into your lover’s eyes? Odds are, it wasn’t during sex. Many people report closing their eyes during sex. Or, if it was, how long did you look? Zick Rubin found in 1970, that couples who are in love look at one another 75% of the time when communicating, and took a much longer time to break eye contact when interrupted.
Eye gazing is one of the most powerful ways to connect with your partner. It can also provoke feelings of love when used outside the bedroom, so locking eyes while locking bodies can be doubly love and excitement inducing.
Deep gazes also lead to deep physical interaction. Just as you might want to take a dive and swim in your partner’s eyes, as you do so, your body will want to move closer and more strongly into your partner, engaging all areas of skin in the exchange.
And what makes engaging all areas of skin even better? Focusing all your attention on those sensations. Some people close their eyes during sex in order to concentrate more completely on the genital sensations. There’s nothing wrong with that, and women, in particular, may need that level of focus on the clitoral sensations in order to orgasm.
But before you close your eyes to zero in on the intense build-up in the clitoris, or the penis, G spot or testicles, keep them open and gazing in your partner’s eyes, and then focus on feeling every physical sensation. Also, listen to the sounds of sex, or the sound of music, or ocean waves, or any other sound that helps get you both off. Using the visual, kinesthetic, and auditory pathways is a certain map to mindfulness, as well as making use of all the ways we experience a pleasure.
Sure, the brain may try to worry about any number of things. Such as, how does my body look? Am I being too loud? Should I wipe off the sweat, or pretend it isn’t there? What color should we paint the ceiling? Whenever the brain tries to waylay the action, fantasize placing it in the other room, and tell it to chatter away in there, but you aren’t going to listen right now. You can imagine giving the brain toys to play with and tell it to chatter all it wants. You’ll listen later.
Then, renew your focus on looking deeply into your lover’s eyes, feeling every stroke and slippery joining of your body to theirs. Hear the sounds. Smell the smells. Do everything with the purpose of being wholly present in your own body, and wholly present to your lover’s body. The connection from this intensifies reactions and orgasms. Emotions may rise to the surface, mirroring the rise of orgasmic intensity. After such an experience, one which enlists all the senses, some people cry. Many people laugh. Whatever you and your partner feel is okay. Even if you both laugh until one or both of you cries. It’s all connected.
After all, mindfulness is about being fully present in each moment. That requires all the senses. Where better to practice mindful awareness than in the arms and bed of your lover? Gazing deeply into their eyes.
Previously published on Medium.com.
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