by John Rodriguez
Sprinkle and pepper the Parmesan, let it crumble down onto the tomato. Moving my hands over the food and then pausing. My fingers get tough, and I press them tightly together. My eyes close. I breathe deeply, and all I hope is that on their pizza they won’t be able to taste my emotional past.
Down comes the letting go of hate, shuffling the dough, and as I knead the flour, more and more of it seems to seep out: the times of uncertainty, of not knowing what fresh air feels like, pondering the day when one is free, but secretly scared, knowing it might not come. I don’t want that for them.
I sprinkle and sprinkle, refilling my hand, and it’s hurting because in every kid there’s a chance, but I ask, please, not them. Don’t let them hug that which is not real. Please, let me suffer for them.
I will do it all again, be dissuaded by friends, learn to live alone and watch my memories pause, forget how old I am, hug the yellow walls that have eaten so many, admit my wrongdoings, replay every day like the one before, read letters and not know if I will see those folks again, contemplate what it will feel like to be 35 or maybe never be free.
In the oven, and I let the torment bake, watch it rise and fall, brown on the edges, collapse into the cheese and never see it again.
This is for them. Food that is simply eaten, chewed between teeth, swooshed and swallowed, following the throat, down some tubes, and all that I hope is that when the dish is done, my prayers lie in their tummies.
Off goes the lunch for the preschoolers.
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