purple

Earlier, I was listening to Olivia Rodrigo’s new album, you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love, and I don’t think I’ve ever related to anything more. I am in love. But I am also very sad. Both, at the same time, all the time.

I used to think sadness was just something that happened to me. Now I think it might be something I keep choosing, over and over. I write about it, I cry about it, I get mad about it, and none of that actually makes it go away; it just gives it more to feed on.

But who am I without my suffering? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put it down, not even when I’m happy. Not even when I’m laughing, and I am in love.

I wanted to be soft, flowers-in-my-hair soft. But everything I touch turns into ashes.

There’s a lyric on the album: your red and my blue, now I see the world in purple. But I am my red, and I am my blue. I’ve only ever seen the world in purple. Rage and sadness, tangled into one color I can’t separate, even on the good days.

It’s such a hard feeling to name. I can describe the red with my rage and my anger. I can describe the blue with my sadness and my suffering. Together they make my purple. So anything I feel is still red and blue. Still purple. Always.

I think about an alternate universe where the sky is pink. Is there something wrong with me?

Should I see a doctor? Or just sit by the beach and hope the blue of the water heals what I can’t name?

I don’t know where to put this feeling. I didn’t have a word for it until I heard this song. And now all I think about is that I’m in love, and he is my sunshine. I want to melt my purple into his gold until it turns black and we can start fresh. Leave behind my bruises dressed up as art.

Because I’m tired of being the pretty sad girl in love, I want to be just a girl in love, with a pretty boy, with herself, and life.

Hi, I’m Saniya. I write about self-improvement, relationships, and lessons learned from my experiences. I’d love for you to follow me and see my stories pop up on your feed. And, to have stories sent directly to you, subscribe to my newsletter.👇