In Aikido, we practice jyu waza. In jyu waza, multiple people in rapid succession attack the nage, the one who throws. When I get over myself, jyu waza is a lot of fun. The late Mizukami Sensei reminded, “Have no preconceived notions.” Just train.
As the nage, I throw each attacker, one at a time. I keep throwing until Ishibashi Sensei says, “Next.” Jyu waza is about character and resilience under intense constant attacks. Still, I wait it out with multiple people attacking. Perhaps, even more so. I match up with the attack in my attack. I let the attacker hold on or take the glancing blow, if I have to. I’m not always getting away scot-free. It’s one time.
Mizukami Sensei said, “When you feel the most pressure, that’s when your mind has to be the most calm.” Ishibashi Sensei says, “Everything quiet.”
Mizukami Sensei taught me the Japanese koan: “Mushin. Mushin.” In Japanese, mushin means “no mind” or “empty mind”. “Mushin. Mushin.” means: If I think about having an empty mind, I don’t have one. Mushin is a fundamental principle in Aikido, in martial arts, in the mastery of any discipline. You can only create from mushin, from nothing, from quiet.
In jyu waza, I enter the attack, match up with the attack in my attack, and throw one person at a time. I’m present in the moment of the attack. I create my Aikido technique from mushin. I have no preconceived notions. I quiet my mind.
Still, my mind is often cluttered with thoughts of self-doubt: I suck! I can’t throw him! He’s too strong!
Just train. I quiet the hater within me. I do what I need to do. That training translates beyond the Dojo, in the outside world. My hater within doesn’t only exist in the Dojo. You all hear me.
I endured an abusive childhood and hear Dad’s voice as my own: “Jon, you’ll never be good enough.” That became my life’s sentence that echoed loud and clear through adulthood.
In Aikido training with the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei, in therapy with Lance, in meditation, in my writing, in learning to love and forgive myself, I quiet my mind. I quiet my hater within me. I have compassion for myself. I just train. It’s not like I have to get somewhere. Heaven is right where I stand. I have nothing to prove.
My hater within may always exist. I practice letting go of my hater within. I’m kinder to myself. I lighten the fuck up. I love myself for who I am, and I forgive myself for who I’m not.
O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” In the bigger picture, I quiet my hater within. I work becoming the greater man, the greater human being. Just saying.
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