There was an old Doris Day song my father and mother loved. It was called Que Sera Sera and it started off like this:
“When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me”
The song is something we can all relate to because all of us have been children. We wondered about our future, or our parents asked us what we wanted to be. Would we became nurses or astronauts? Doctors, mechanics, or gardeners? Would we have a family of our own one day, find true love, or travel?
And always there seemed to be a subtext — how would our lives compare to those of our peers? Like the children of Lake Wobegon, we were all assumed to be “above average”, whatever that meant.
It is the last bit that I think is the problem.
First of all, because it pushes children into competing, sometimes when they are way too young to be doing that.
Second, because none of us start in the same place, the concept of racing against each other on a defined course is a fallacy.
In a “real” race, around a track, everyone starts at the same location and runs the same number of laps. They have all been grouped based on basic training, age, and ability. Prior to recent eras, it was typically just one gender competing with each other. Even further in the past, only one gender ever competed, and also only certain races.
None of this is a good model for life however.
We are not all the same gender, for example, or gender identity, or race.
Some children are born into families with many children who each get only a fraction of their parents’ small incomes. Others might be the sole heir to a family fortune.
Some children might be born with disabilities. Others might be physically blessed in terms of physical or intellectual abilities. Some might be considered ugly while others beautiful.
Ethnic, economic, cultural differences — all of that plays into it.
Is any of this “fair”. No, of course not.
But the thing is — it’s reality and it’s the way the world has been since Cain and Abel. Or Enikdu and Gilgamesh. Or Ram and Ravana.
That is just looking at the whole good vs. evil dichotomy. In reality, of course, there are layers and layers of complexity.
So how can we cope with the rank unfairness of reality?
By realizing that the only race that matters is the one we run with ourselves.
It is the only race we can control.
It is the only race where we can, at least to some degree, direct the path taken. It is the only one where we can decide who, if anyone, we want to run with. Where the pit stops will be. The incline we want to attempt, and the degree of challenge we want to face.
If we attempt a course that we realize is too difficult — we can step it down.
If it’s too easy — we can step it up.
We can figure out what matters to us. What defines the road we want to take?
Will we, like Robert Frost, take the road less traveled? And if we do, will we be glad we did or regret it?
In the end, there isn’t a wrong decision, though, if the only competition that matters is the one we have with ourselves. If we strive to be the best, whatever that means to us, ourselves, then at some point we can look back and realize that we have been authentic.
That honesty of vision can illuminate our lives and gift us with greater joy than chasing the dreams of our parents, our neighbors, our heroes, or our friends.
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