Ragey Snow Shoveling

Ragey Snow Shovelling: it sounds like some unofficial event for the winter Olympics. Honestly, I wish.

I’d win the shit out of a ragey snow shoveling competition. There I’d be suiting up in my lime green parka and a pair of fur-lined snow boots about to embark on my greatest triumph. My inner rage would be mounting just looking at the shoveling arena (the outer sidewalks of an old folks home with a lot of uneven cement and small obstructions causing multiple black ice patches).

I’d be victorious.

If you’ve never shoveled a sidewalk, allow me to elucidate the situation and why, in fact, it is such a ragey experience.

The shoveller sets out on their quest with fantasies of grandeur in their mind. Yes, it may be blizzarding and -20 degrees celsius outside, but they can remove the negatives from their mind. This shoveling thing is a great opportunity to burn some morning calories and do a little good for the neighborhood because they have decided, that very moment, that they will also shovel both their neighbor’s sidewalks as well.
That is until the shoveller realizes that they have misplaced the shovel in question. Where the heck could it have gone? They were only using it a mere twelve hours before. After exactly 27 minutes of searching the entire back yard and garage, the shoveller discovers her tool is hiding under a heap of freshly fallen snow in the very back of the yard.
She begins. The snow is light enough, so the work is easy. That is until she realizes the sheer amount of “light snow” there is. A good 8 inches of fluffy white powder has fallen overnight, creating an unexpectedly heavy shovel load with each push. By the 10th go across the driveway, the shoveller’s left arm is throbbing from having to lift each load to the top of the now mountainous snow pile at the end of the drive. She worries she might be having a heart attack.
In amongst the concern of heart palpitations, there is a particularly infuriating recurrence. The uneven cement pads that catch the shovel’s tip ultimately jerk her progress. Causing the device’s handle to jab unapologetically into her gut, or worse yet, crank her wrist backwards, which threatens the risk of breakage and hurts like a mother.
The shoveller is now a half-hour into her plight. She is simultaneously freezing and sweating from the exertion of her task. She looks around to realize that she has only finished her driveway and still has the sidewalks to do.
She begins on her elderly neighbor’s sidewalk because she still wants to be a good neighbor despite her mounting fury towards her task. As she is piling the shoveled snow at the corner of the sidewalk, the neighbor comes out onto her balcony and tells her she is doing it wrong. The snow should be piled evenly across the entire length of the sidewalk, not in heaps.
Yes, this does make more sense to the shoveller now that someone has pointed it out. However, the rage is strong currently, and who the fuck does this old broad think she is? The shoveller has just spent an extra 20 minutes freezing her ass off, and now she is going to tell her she did it wrong!? The shoveller pretends not to hear her neighbor’s suggestions and continues to pile snow in heaps at the end of the walk.
The shoveller sees the man down the street with a snowblower and wistfully imagines him coming to her rescue and offering to do her portion of the sidewalk with his magic blower machine.
The shoveller sees that this is just wishful thinking when the man makes eye contact and does not smile but instead turns on his heel to assure she knows he will be of no help today.
As the woman is witnessing this, she hits a patch of ice under the snow while simultaneously running into an uneven piece of sidewalk with the edge of the shovel resulting in a painful wrist jerk and falling on her ass on the sidewalk in front of the snowblower man who pretends not to see. The shoveller does not know if she should take this as a kindness on the snowblower man’s part, or a slight.
The shoveller decides not to be a good neighbor and leaves the rest of the street to fend for themselves.

Ragey snow shoveling is real and a serious affliction to those who live in wintry climates. Please be aware of friends and family who may be affected by this seasonal and grave condition.

Possible remedies are:

Hot chocolate (complete with little marshmallows) upon return from the hellish blizzard of mother nature’s wrath.
Draw a warm bath to thaw out the ferocity that has developed deep in the soul of the shoveller’s heart.
Cuddles with the dog. If the shoveller does not have a dog, it is highly recommended to get one or borrow someone else’s dog before engaging in ragey snow shoveling.

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Previously published on medium

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