‘Real Men’ Don’t Forgive. Right?

1- Fight or Flight
The fact is most men learned two things really well as boys: you either fight or you run. Fight or flight becomes a natural instinct carried into adulthood. To make matters worse, both are attached to hair-trigger fuses, and so the most manly reaction is to react suddenly and explosively.

2- A Low Simmer of Antagonism
Among romantic relationships, the urge to fight becomes an intractable condition for expressing vulnerability which, in turn, is needed to sustain romantic connections. As a result many relationships involve a man keeping antagonism on a low simmer just in case it is needed.

3- Understanding is Missing
Many men perceive women as utter mysteries in the same category as mountain wolves or walruses. We may be deeply attracted to them, but we really cannot understand them.

4- Don’t Trust Anyone
The most unforgiving men do not trust anyone, especially not women. The male psyche expands most any transgression into a warning sign for similar situations later. Without forgiveness there can be no trust, although adult men may learn to act out a thin veil of trust in order to get the rewards: a bonus, a high-five from the guys, or sex.

5- Forgiveness is a Charade
Even if we forgive, it is merely a charade, probably well-honed and practiced, but still a shallow effort. True forgiveness is vulnerability, and no real man wants that. This is the reason action films are so attractive to men. A guy with a big gun explosively mowing down the bad guys (or gals) is a vicarious experience demonstrating that violence is more effective than forgiveness.

6- Forgiveness is a Feminine Virtue
Men are so overwhelmed by womanly prowess that we believe forgiveness is a feminine virtue. To forgive is to be soft and yielding rather than harsh and decisive. We dread being seen as feminine, even as we admire women’s mysterious ability to forgive and move on.

7- Women Hate Us
Men know that, deep down, women hate them. In their black and white worlds, men believe women desiring romance are just deceiving themselves and us, and that what they really want is something gray, amorphous and indecipherable.

8- Anger is Better Than Forgiveness
Feeling anger, we believe that it is a stand-in for forgiveness. But anger is better because it provides a significant dopamine hit, and feels like resolution, whereas forgiveness is like walking into an empty gray room filled with unknown dangers.

9- Really Good at Internalizing Anger
When we screw up and hurt others, we believe that there is no way forgiveness will make things better. Most men would rather internalize their hurt in the form of anger, and preserve it for the next time things turn grim.

10- Weak is Bad, Forgiveness is Weak
Men’s sense of masculinity is all about being strong, self-sufficient and independent. We avoid any situation that implies that we are weak. Forgiveness is worse than weak because it also implies that we are dependent on others and how they feel.

The Power of Forgiveness

Let’s state the obvious: many men do not understand forgiveness, nor its remarkable powers to heal, to relieve us of the past, and to pave the way to a brighter future. Some women also do not understand forgiveness, though their numbers are far fewer than men.

We have seen some of the reasons that prevent men from embracing this powerful skill. But I believe it boils down to a lack of understanding. Once we experience true forgiveness, it becomes a skill that is always available to intervene between our emotional responses and real-life circumstances.

Research has long ago demonstrated the link between forgiveness and gender. The issues mainly focus on a man’s self-image, or how masculine he perceives himself to be. Those more concerned about their masculinity are less likely to engage in forgiveness.

Yet there is a significant argument to be made that learning the skill is the key, and as we saw above, many men have never had an opportunity to learn the “how” of forgiveness. The very first step in this learning paradigm is understanding what forgiveness is and what it is not. It is not this:

“Our culture pushes us to be unforgiving. It celebrates and exalts people who are not willing to forgive. We make heroes out of the Dirty Harry’s and the Rambo’s who murder people out of vengeance. As a result of this unforgiveness, we have a society filled with bitterness, vengeance, anger and hate toward others.”

These are some of the dangers of being unwilling to forgive. This quote is from The Master’s University, a Christian school in California. A posted article on the university’s blog further explains some of the dangers of unforgiveness:

1- Unforgiveness will imprison you in your past
When men behave wrongly and hurt others, whatever they may believe about these episodes, the experience stays with them, and very often acts as a template for future similar encounters. If left unresolved, we become imprisoned by our past.

2- Unforgiveness will produce bitterness
As these episodes accumulate, we become bitter and filled with despair. Harassed by the memories of what we cannot forgive, our thoughts become malignant toward others, and our whole view of life becomes distorted.

3- Unforgiveness will push others away, leaving you alone and depressed
Many people are sensitive to this deep level of bitterness that arises from unforgiveness, and they will stay away. Others who are similarly bound by the bonds of unforgiveness may become friends, but their lives are just as distorted, and very likely you all will be depressed together, perhaps drowning your sadness in drugs, violence or hatred.

Forgiveness is primarily a self-directed action that we take once we realize we’ve done something wrong. We cannot forgive others before we have forgiven ourselves. But the image above demonstrates that there needs to be something to forgive, something more than a casual disagreement. We generally need to forgive actions or words that are emotionally charged.

The late Wayne Dyer explains it this way:

“We have to face the notion that in order to consider forgiving someone we must have been blaming them for something. We must have anger, resentment, blame, even hatred going on in order to feel the need to forgive. Forgiveness is really an act of letting go, releasing the anger, the hatred, the bitterness, the thoughts of revenge that we have been carrying around.”

There is even some argument about whether forgiveness is entirely self-directed or at least partly other-directed. It seems that self-directed forgiveness has such a powerful impact on one’s outlook that it can influence how we behave when interacting with others, including the person we originally offended.

But make no mistake. The person we offended will only sense heartfelt forgiveness if we have first forgiven ourselves. Anything less than this is just a charade. Dr. Dyer continues:

“We forgive by releasing all resentment, anger, and bitterness and thus set ourselves free from the negative feelings that weaken us. First we have to get past blame. Then we have to learn to send love to all.”

For men, I would add “shame” to “blame.” For many men stuck in the wilderness of masculinity, screwing up a situation in ways others witness is a truly shameful experience. Blame in fact is often nothing more than inverted shame.

The aim of self-forgiveness is to dissolve the separation between memory and emotion. Over time, unforgiveness results in a blending of these such that the memory alone produces a strong sense of bitterness. We must learn to let go of the emotional response.

We must be able to acknowledge that “I am not that person any more.” With practice, you will meet an alternative version of yourself, one that remains calm in the face of the memory. You will internally replay the experience until the emotional response dissipates.

How much practice? This depends on you and the methods you use. Meditation is an ideal forum for this kind of self-reflection. Or you may find that any positive alone time, or concentrated focus on an activity, may also be times to thoughtfully replay the experience.

So you’ve made it this far. You have reached the point where you can recall the original negative experience and replay it without your angry emotional response. What about the person you offended?

As Dr. Dyer points out, you must learn to send love to all, beginning with yourself. Loving kindness is a skill that anyone may acquire with practice. The first step is allowing feelings of love into your heart. In many cases, this will naturally happen as you begin to see the alternative version of yourself.

The second, and for many the most difficult, step is making amends to the person or persons whom you offended in the original incident. You will need to name the incident, describe the emotional work you have done, and ask for their forgiveness.

Be aware that the offended person may not be willing to grant this request, or at least not right away. They may never forgive you. You need to know this. But your efforts alone will have sent love back into the world and opened your heart to a brighter future.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.