When you are going through a break-up, it is normal to feel a sense of sadness and regret, and to wonder where things went wrong. Was it you? Was it them? Were you just not well suited to each other? The questions plague you on repeat. You might eat a gallon of ice cream, cry, call your girlfriends, or try to focus on work instead.
Most of the time, you can find some perspective and be able to move on from the relationship with minimal psychological damage. However, if you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may find yourself suffering from PTSD, anxiety or depression.
Was your ex a narcissist?
Often, you may not realize that the person you are dating is a narcissist until after the relationship turns sour, or even after it is over. Named for the God Narcissus, who stayed frozen looking at a reflection of himself, a narcissist is a person who is excessively self-absorbed.
Sure, most of us do spend more time thinking about our own feelings than anyone else’s, but a narcissist doesn’t think about other people’s feelings at all. In psychology, this bizarre behavior or disregarding the feelings of others is referred to as a lack of empathy. This is a key trait of the narcissist.
If you feel like your partner, or ex-partner, only considered their own thoughts and feelings to be important and completely disregarded yours, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
While only a mental health professional can diagnose someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, WebMD provides some symptoms that you may be able to spot as relationship red flags:
- Sense of Entitlement
- Manipulative Behavior
- Need for Admiration
- Lack of Empathy
- Arrogance
- A sense of self-importance, exaggerating their achievements and talents
- A preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, or brilliance
- A belief that they’re more special or unique than others and should only associate with other high-status people
- Envy of others or the belief that others are envious of them
- Insisting they have the best of everything
- Feeling they deserve privileges and special treatment
These red flags may not always present themselves right away at the beginning of a relationship. However, the narcissist may excessively love bomb you at first.
When I was dating my ex-husband, this is what he did with me at the beginning of our relationship. He would make special dates for us to go on, tell me how special I was, how much we had in common, and it was only a few months into the relationship when he told me that he loved me, and wanted to marry me.
Though we didn’t get married right away, having so much flattery poured on me at the beginning of our relationship did convince me that what we had was something special and once-in-a-lifetime.
During the love-bombing stage, in addition to trying to move the relationship along too quickly by either saying “I love you” too soon, talk of marriage and kids, wanting to move in or get married, they may also buy you a lot of expensive gifts or take you on nice trips that aren’t really warranted so early on.
If you try to slow things down at all, they may show excessive hurt feelings and act incredibly rejected. In a normal relationship, asking to slow down should always be respected. When you are really in love, there is no need to prove it with huge, sweeping gestures.
A relationship with a narcissist typically moves in three phases. According to the Cleveland Clinic,
- The Idealization Phase: During this phase, your partner bombards you with excessive love and affection to draw you in and convince you to let your guard down. At first, it may seem too good to be true or easy to be swept off your feet.
- The Devaluation Phase: Once you’ve let your guard down and get comfortable in the relationship, red flags start to appear. Your partner may try to exert control over you in a variety of ways. They may become more demanding of your time and get upset when you make plans without them. They may also try to limit access to your friends and family, and gaslight you into thinking nothing is wrong with their behavior. In the most severe cases, they may use fear and intimidation to get you to behave differently than you normally would and even resort to physical violence.
- The Discard Phase: When you confront them about their harmful behavior or try to reset healthy boundaries, your partner may avoid accountability by refusing to cooperate and compromise or by abandoning the relationship. This can leave you feeling confused, disoriented or like you somehow failed to fix things.
Since love-bombing at the beginning of the relationship has been so intense, when you get into the devaluation phase and things seem to be falling apart, often you will end up wondering what you have done wrong. You may even find yourself trying to get the narcissist back when they stop showing interest (I did).
Ending the relationship
Typically, a relationship with a narcissist can end in one of two ways, either they get bored and move on to someone else, or you catch on to their gaslighting and manipulation and try to walk away yourself.
When I left my narcissistic ex, he became extremely angry and violent. It is important to remember that this is a big possibility with a narcissist, so if you are still in the relationship, it is important to make a safety plan prior to leaving.
You will want to set aside some money, important documents, and make a plan about how you will leave your home with your children and pets. In some instances, you will also be able to call the police for a civil standby to remove your essential belongings from your home.
It is also a good idea to have a safe place to stay lined up, where you can go without the narcissist being able to find you or follow you. You can stay with friends, family, at a secured apartment building, or in a domestic violence shelter.
Once you have left, you may want to get a restraining order against the narcissist if they have become violent in the past, or threatened violence against you. This way, you can get legal assistance in keeping them away from you.
Moving forward
Once you are safely away from the narcissist, and have successfully gone no-contact with them, it is time to work on rebuilding your mental health and your self-esteem.
After you have been the victim of manipulation, gaslighting and abuse, you may be excessively fearful, have difficulty trusting yourself and others, or have PTSD from what you have gone through. This makes taking some time for self-care and healing a priority to moving on with your life.
Don’t try to jump into another relationship right away to find external validation after a relationship with a narcissist, this is an easy way to find yourself hurt again. Finding validation for your feelings within yourself, and developing self-love will serve you better in the long run!
It can be helpful to work with a therapist, or attend a support group as a victim of narcissistic abuse. A therapist can help you learn coping skills for your feelings, and work on learning to set clear boundaries in future relationships. A support group is great for realizing that you are not alone in what you have gone through, and realizing that it was not your fault.
When I left my ex, I went to individual therapy, and joined several online support groups on Facebook. Talking to other women who had been where I was gave me hope that I would be able to move on, rebuild my life, and feel like myself again.
It is also great to reconnect with friends and family who you may have felt isolated from during your relationship. Developing a strong support system allows you to know that you are worthy of love and care, and that you have people who are on your side. You don’t have to be alone or isolated anymore.
Find hobbies or things you enjoy doing for yourself can be another way to take back control of your life. When I left my ex, I started playing in a band, and the music was really cathartic for me in moving on from the relationship. Other creative outlets like art, writing or dance can be fun ways to do something good for yourself.
After a relationship with a narcissist, you might feel like just a battered shell of a person. But you can still have a full, happy and meaningful life ahead of you! By going to therapy, connecting with others, and doing things that you enjoy, you will be well on your way towards building a better life for yourself than what you left behind!
For more articles that talk about moving on from a relationship with a narcissist, you can check out these additional resources:
Nicole DakeCoping with Narcissistic Family
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If you have questions about moving on from a relationship with a narcissist, let me know in the comments! As someone who has been there myself, I am happy to help anyone else who is looking for help and healing.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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