Relationship Theory: Shared Finances and Long Distance Relationships

—
Tom Bilyeu and Lisa Bilyeu (@lisabilyeu) discuss everything from personal finances in relationships including wealth gaps and joining bank accounts to navigating long distance relationships.

Tom Bilyeu is the co-founder of 2014 Inc. 500 company Quest Nutrition — a unicorn startup valued at over $1 billion — and the co-founder and host of Impact Theory. Impact Theory is a first-of-its-kind company designed to facilitate global change through the incubation of mission-based businesses and the cultivation of empowering content. Every piece of content Impact Theory creates is meant to underscore the company mission to free people from The Matrix and help them unlock their true potential. Impact Theory exists to inspire the next generation of game-changing companies and creators that will make a true and lasting impact on the world.
—

—
everybody welcome to another episode of
relationship theory I am your co-host
Tom de Leon I’m here with the amazing
and wonderfully taking care of me whilst
I am ill Lisa bill you
hi I’m like out of breath and like :
well we’ve had some technical sorry guys
so apologize and my wife is having to
play nurse so it’s all around uh firday
for you I think then even for me I’ve
got to say though my boy Ibrahim stuck
it out and we figured it out and yeah so
well please yeah good on you my man as
someone who doesn’t give up you’ve got
to love that I know that’s so important
so so thanks to him we’re now alive
again sorry running a few minutes late
and but yeah and my poor happy sick yeah
so forgive me if I coffins butter a bit
I’m hopped up on the cough suppressant
so hopefully that helps yeah there may
be a little bit of that but we’re good
to go we’re ready to rock and roll yeah
all right so should we just get down to
the first question awesome so this
question and from last week by the way
guys if you’re watching now please share
it this is bringing value and then
please M add some questions below word
alright so the first question from last
week actually comes from Murray Joe who
who aces and Arthur would you think
about about financial gap in couples oh
like getting together with somebody
where there is one person’s making more
than the other I would assume so
assuming that that’s the kinda question
I think that societally it’s pretty
acceptable for the guy to make more than
the women I don’t think anybody for the
most part stresses out about that but
the more interesting question is what do
you do if the woman is making more money
than the man and honestly man I think
it’s really about it doesn’t matter and
I think that people need to be able to
get over that real fast like if you’re
pursuing what you love and you’re trying
to build something like it’s all about
being a team and and I’m not going to
lie that really would have been hard for
me in the beginning and in fact it was
when you were working
Alun day which is not exactly a massive
amount of money but when you were
working and I wasn’t I did I struggled I
was a receptionist a college dealership
yeah Alan day is when when your
girlfriend at the time is making more
money than you because she’s working as
a receptionist basically you’re
unemployed and that’s certainly where I
was so I think that yeah I think that at
the end of the day people need to to not
stress out about that I think you have
to put that aside because it really is
about who are you trying to become right
so if you’re just sitting around
lounging and being lazy all day I think
it’s going to create problems but that’s
the problem it’s not the financial gap
if you guys aren’t on the same page
about what you’re expecting of each
other what you want like in the
beginning after we got married I wanted
to work and I didn’t want you to have to
work and that was really important to me
for you not to need to work and me to
feel like I was taking care of you was
that weird for you and well I mean so
there’s this multiple things is so I
think first of all coming into a
relationship if one of you has a lot
more just less they saved up than the
other because that was our situation
where I had some money saved up and you
know I because I didn’t come from in
America you guys have to pay so much
money for college it’s crazy and I
didn’t pay anything for college in
England so when I met you and I had
money saved up that I had you know my
dad was very supportive and so I just
had a bank account with the money and I
met you and you in serious debt from
college in like I had no idea that’s
what Americans did or would learn I was
gobsmacked and so obviously a that’s a
big difference in financial situation
just obsess meeting do you think that’s
weird for people yeah for sure 100% in
what way and so let’s say you’ve just
met somebody I don’t even just make
you’re getting serious and you’re think
about getting engaged or whatever and
one person has a big amount of money
saved up and the other person doesn’t
have a penny and I think you need to
discuss what you’re going to do with
that does that get now split half half
is that just solely store owned by one
person
and for us we had that discussion and
not like I had ton of money but it was
definitely like okay well for us getting
married was a unity it was we’re coming
together in every aspect so what’s mine
is yours and yours is mine and it didn’t
I just didn’t feel weird about it and I
don’t know how if someone does feel with
how you would get over that but I don’t
feel weird at all I think because you
were so knowing who you are you never
wanted and to ever feel like you were a
scrounger and so village that was just
like your personality so I never got
weird about it and but in deciding okay
now this is both our money we have to
make joint decisions and I had to make
that switch in my head because it
wouldn’t have been fair on you if we had
sat there going okay yep well yours is
mine mine is yours as everything
together and now comes a big expense and
I act like well it’s really mine
annoying like that’s equal to think I
think be very careful of slipping into
that once you’ve decided it’s joint it
has to be joined and then moving forward
on okay now we’re getting married you
can’t legally work in England it just
makes sense that I would work um did it
feel weird it wasn’t the money that felt
weird it was you taking care of me while
being at home that felt weird so you
didn’t actually have anything to do with
the money and you did or did not like
that looking back like at the time I
don’t think it really bothered me
because we were like okay well we’ve got
four months we’re going to get marry
we’re going to move to America it was
very like we had a plan
so you’ve been a home he didn’t really
feel strange but I think that now
thinking back that’s not what I admire
in my partner like I want him I do want
you to be the Alpha in our relationship
and if one of us had to go to work like
I’m not the person who’s looking for a
stay-at-home dad do not have kids need
to stay at home like that’s not I want
you to lead me and I think that’s really
what I’m talking about is that’s where
you have to get on the same pages what
do you want from each other what the
you know if one person is making more
money but the other person is working
towards something they’re going to
college they’re trying to build their
career they’re taking sort of a
momentary backseat financially because
they’re building towards something
regardless of which way that is I think
that is that’s about being on the same
page and then I think I mean just
calling a spade spade I think it is
tougher for guys to allow themselves to
be in that position and I’ll be
interested to sort of see where this
goes obviously as it becomes less and
less of a social norm to have the
disparity in one person going after a
career and the other not I think more
and more women are very career-oriented
really want to crush it and do something
and for me being able to this is big for
me being able to want to see the other
person shine like I think that’s really
really important and like for instance
when I think about the podcast that
you’re doing
it’s gunning scene coming soon it’s got
the opportunity to really come out of
the gate strong and get a lot a lot of
viewers and I want that like I want to
see you shine I want to see you do well
I want to see you excited and doing
something great and you to get to that
point you really have to be secure in
yourself and that that’s the moral of
the story is if you’re insecure in
yourself and you’re putting value into
money and you think that somehow some of
your self-worth is tied up in how much
you make it’s going to be a problem in
the relationship but if you recognize it
just isn’t true and it really is about
the path that you’re on what you’re
trying to accomplish as long as you guys
are talking about it you know exactly
what you are looking for what you’re
trying to accomplish what the plan is
shouldn’t be an issue and I think you
have to commit to what you decide on
like I said kind of secretly holding or
guys what is still really my money like
I still like you’ve got to let go of I
think once you go into making that
decision you have to just own it and for
a friend now to get because I know
you’re all about being tactical and like
that’s really kind of where we were very
specific in our finances here where we
said okay we’re going to join up put our
money together it’s going to be one
account and then we sat down said so
what do we want to do with this okay we
want to save some god forbid anything
happened
you’re out of the job and this was back
before quest and all of that okay this
is how much we’re going to say is this
is how much we’re going to allocate for
our bills and everything and we kind of
sat down and really went over everything
now you’re telling lies Oh what do you
mean we heard separate spending account
no no no I’m not saying spending I’m
saying so we sat down and said this is
going to savings pure savings if the
house burns down we have somewhere to
live because we’ve got money this is
going for investments like we put
everything in the bucket and then our
money that we said we were going to put
in spending as in just like I want to
buy a shirt today and we were very
specific because and if you remember we
weren’t at first so it was very it
wasn’t long-lived but we weren’t at
first completely divided our savings we
have a spending account where the
spending account and then I remember
like you would buy video games or I
would would be out let’s say with my
friends shopping and I’d feel like oh my
god I have to ask you because even
though we’ve allocated X amount of money
for spending like do you think that this
is okay for me to spend it on and then
it became like I’m asking you permission
you’re asking me permission and within
that just it it didn’t then start to
feel like it was a like assault
I guess caged maybe not cages playing
well there was a bit of a hard work and
I think just again just asking
permission now I didn’t feel like I was
you know free I think that you need to
still feel like an individual as you
grow you know like so when I was younger
I’ll do it off my dad for permission and
so then get married I didn’t want to
feel like how to ask for permission and
you too so we decided how long story
short okay we have $40 a week to spend
on just whatever food clothes games
whatever we had 40 20 years and 20 in
mine is mine and if I want to sit there
with my $20 bill and just set it alight
I can not buy we’d never do that but it
was mine our TV just gone
someone please crew no one’s even
listening TV TV one boy and so if I
wanted to just waste twenty dollars on
whatever unsweet on whatever I couldn’t
I didn’t have to ask you permission and
so you then did that exact same thing
and it was so freeing so freeing to be
able to say I don’t have to ask
permission this is my money and I’m
going to do whatever I want with it even
though we had you know as a overall
picture unity all right there it is all
right and would you do anything
differently now cuz we were young and
got together no I think having two
separate bank accounts for spending is
absolutely critical it’s one of the
things that from managing your
relationship perspective I cannot
encourage people to do enough so that
you don’t have to ask permission like
you were saying yeah I think that
there’s just certain rules that people
should abide by and separate spending
accounts is one of them I have no idea
where you’re headed and all right so
there’s a question here about a long
distance relationship which obviously
mean you had to really endure for a
couple years and this is from Dustin Lee
can you please talk about the call
tactics you guys use all now I scroll
down oh and this keeps jumping I’m sorry
guys today is one of those Monday’s I’m
sorry and we are like melting down I
mean II feel like I am today and okay so
this is from Jim OH
oh noes are okay and in a long-distance
relationship where conversations is just
on the phone how do I know if he’s on
the same page with me and get to know
him proper I think that the reason that
we were able to make our long-distance
relationship work is that we spend as
much time together as humanly possible
so it wasn’t like it was just
long-distance for you know two years it
was we were constantly spending three
months at a time with each other you
coming
me going there and I just don’t think
there’s any substitute for proximity I
think you have to be with the person now
there’s inevitably going to be times
between the hopefully very extended
visits where you’re going to be apart
but man if you’re not like together
spending that time figuring out who each
other are I think you’re really setting
the relationship up for a disaster there
just is no substitute for being together
but we enjoyed it though
we did but like if you think about how
much time we spend apart during the
whatever like 18 months it it was less
than 50% of the time for sure okay so
let’s talk about people who have ongoing
relationships let’s say they’re married
and they’re together and one person has
to travel a lot and so it may just be
like one week on one week off what would
you do then I think it’s survivable but
it’s bad mojo and I would immediately
try to rectify that situation when I
think about me having to travel more and
more I do think about that like how much
of the time should we be going together
because at the end of the day if you’re
not spending time together with each
other over a long enough period of time
that will become a problem there’s just
no two ways about it like you like it’s
like when people sleep in separate rooms
it’s like I get it it’s probably more
convenient like they’re definitely kind
of like now when I’m sick right so I’ll
sleep in the supper bedroom but like if
I want to go on too long and I can it
like if we were on really different
schedules and I I’m going to I guess get
up way earlier than you but even with
that like we make sure that we go to bed
at the same time and then I just sort of
sneak out to make sure that I don’t
interrupt your sleep but even just that
little bit of quality time where you’re
you know laying your head on my chest
it’s like that stuff matters it’s its
neuro chemistry and making sure that
you’re reinforcing those bonds like
there’s yeah it is it is absolutely
critical there’s no two ways about ya
and you’re very sweet by the way that
you so this is one if the little things
and I always talk about the little
things it’s not the big grand gestures
and it’s the fact that even when you’re
sick you will go and move bedrooms
so if I’m sick young new bedrooms to the
you don’t wake up and I’m coughing and
spluttering and and and so that’s kind
of understandable but even when you’re
sick you won’t have the nicer bed and
then I saw em you’ll still move yeah I
mean to me the with the identity that I
have it’s the and I get it not everyone
is going to agree to this but I believe
that my role is as the Alpha my role as
the man quite frankly is to be the one
to endure suffering so whenever possible
if there’s suffering to be had and
whether that’s you know carrying grocery
bags shopping bags sleeping in the guest
bedroom I mean whatever the case may be
like that’s for me to endure that’s just
how I see it and that’s something that’s
important to me and that I take pride in
you know and everybody has to decide
that for themselves and nothing that’s
universal but that is very meaningful to
me yeah so these little things that make
me feel like you care as well all right
and this question for Matt Daniel breeze
– Toronto guys what’s up – rumbling huh
jinx you owe me a coke no you guys say
it certainly what we said is kids oh
that’s an American thing I still say it
now they I don’t I – Toronto
Tom you say that if you’re a waiter
either working or working out I’m
getting there slowly but surely my
girlfriend has told me that I’m not
giving her enough affection though how
do you Lisa manage this well so first of
all I say that Monday through Friday
that’s really important for people to
understand and then on the weekends is
really where we make sure that we
reconnect we spend quality time together
we spend time just sitting next to each
other watching a show eating at the
table which my life is obsessed with
like all but really like all those
little things like we make sure that we
take the time to reconnect on the
weekend absolutely critical so I work I
would say less than half the time on the
weekend that I do during the week so
that leaves us a lot of time to
reconnect we’re total home bodies so
we’re not even like traveling and
running around like we’re just together
and while we do selfish time in the
weekends for the more
part it’s like communal time and it’s
really not until quite late in the
evening that we sort of start doing our
own thing as you really want to sink in
to like watch something and I might want
to read or work or play games or you
know whatever the case may be so I think
if we didn’t take that time if on the
weekends I were working as much as I am
on a week it would be a real problem and
also we have the discussions of you know
because he says she doesn’t feel that
he’s given her enough affection and I
think the first question you have to ask
her is what does make us all them right
so and that’s what you did with me it’s
not that this is this would work for
everybody if other people had the same
type of relationship as a woman they may
feel neglected so it’s what is what is
that thing that she gets like what are
those moments what are the things that
she really wants to make her feel like
I’ve given her affection is it just an
abundance of cuddles is it an entire day
of attention like what are those actual
things and allow her to be petty right
like that’s same with me like I want to
eat together at the table and I want you
to wait for me and I want you to wait
till I sit down to eat it’s pathetic and
some people may laugh and joke about it
and be like oh my god I can’t believe
how fussy but it’s true and so by me
owning that by me being honest about
that by me telling you that and then you
actually act on it now I so special I
still like to given me the attention I
need but she may be very different so
have the discussion of what those things
are and then start executing look if
she’s unreasonable because that could be
another thing I want you to spend every
single night having dinner with me okay
that may not be feasible for what you’re
trying to achieve so have that
discussion and say like look for what I
want me to do I can’t do that but how
about we do this or how about we do that
so things is most of time on Saturday
and Sunday you work partially partially
those days sometimes you have an event
or something like that but if let’s say
we’re at home but yesterday because you
knew that you had all of Sunday it’s
like okay I actually want to hold day
with you and so we spent the entire day
just hanging
and then on Sunday you spent the entire
day working I barely saw you
we even ate together because of
headphones true yeah it’s true no that
was I even might have you could you skip
to Mill and so you were sitting with me
but you weren’t really you were sick
yeah I was gonna say I think by then I
wasn’t feeling sure but still what’s
weird is I don’t remember that oh I mean
that’s terrible I mean when you couldn’t
episode us but you have friends on the
eat dinner really oh oh dinner you
dinner yeah cuz I was a meeting last
night oh yeah girl of yeah but I’m
saying sometimes you would do that in a
way during the week sure yes but it and
in fairness typically it’s actually
Sunday through Friday at like 6 7
o’clock is my work week sure and then
tag I would say Monday through Friday
this is so much easier but typically
like on a Friday night I won’t work in
on a Sunday night it will all right yeah
are you coming to me that’s what I was I
don’t know why they’re not gonna say
actually defendant yeah like it’s it’s
meaningful and going back to what you
were saying it’s I don’t think it
actually is petty but it’s really like
you’re really good about communicating
what’s important to you that’s so
critical and even defining like what
does it mean to say something is
important we’ve talked about that before
like making sure the other person knows
what’s meaningful to you what that the
word important means something that it’s
heightened it’s not just another word
that kind of stuff is really critical
and then to your point about you know
maybe she’s being unreasonable selection
matters in fact selection is the most
important thing if you guys aren’t on
the same page like that’s really
problematic and one of the like most
amazing things I ever did was marry a
woman whose father worked a lot so but
really and I’ve thought about that since
we first got together like you just get
that and you’d always said oh yeah my
dad traveled a lot my dad had work a lot
and so it became like communicating like
I want to talk to you when you’re
traveling and I want like even if it’s
just like a five-minute phone call like
I need that to feel connected so you’ve
always vocalized what you needed
it was never like an overwhelming amount
of stuff but then like anything like
over time something will like if I’m
traveling a lot it’ll begin to wear on
you
and so you’ll eventually say like hey
before this becomes an issue before I
really feel like abandoned or neglected
I want to speak up I want to say like
hey this Friday to Saturday whatever
like I need a whole day and then I need
to be responsive to that and I need to
say I’m this is a marathon not a sprint
so I need to recognize that you’re never
abusive about that stuff so if you ask
for it it’s like drop it whatever I’m
working on make sure that you feel that
you’re my priority because it’s like
this weird relationship with my ambition
right so it’s you could ask me to give
up anything and I would do it except my
ambition right so it’s like this weird
thing but I would never want to choose
my ambition over you so it’s like this
really like weird come on don’t give up
who you are and to give someone what
they need because now you’re not you and
it just like it just spirals like that
doesn’t and that’s why selection is so
important you’ve got to find somebody
who like that’s just who they are
naturally and they get it and like you
wanted somebody who was ambitious and so
just like fed into each other but then
at the same time like being nuanced
enough to go yes I’m hella ambitious yes
it’s important to me to either be if I’m
Monday to Friday
hashtag Sunday through I’m just going to
say Monday goodbye otherwise it derails
you know it’s important to me to live up
to that notion right that I’m either
working out of working Monday through
Friday but if you said like hey I really
need this yeah then like be nuanced
enough to go this doesn’t erode like Who
I am this doesn’t change my identity and
in fact part of my identity is being
deft enough to be good at the
relationship to recognize what you need
to recognize and this is the important
part to recognize me you never abusive
that you would never like I just want to
see like if he’ll choose me oh you got
something important coming up go hey
like I want you tonight
right so am sick can be we have a double
episode
tomorrow which I can’t decide like if I
love this moment more than anything
because it gives me a chance to out root
which you keep telling you not to which
is winding me up but like that like is
this amazing and my boy Jordan in the
flu game like do I you know do I show
gratitude to be sick right at this
moment where now it sucks like when I
woke up this morning I was like can I
actually do this well that’s the thing
and I know you well enough to know that
you find joy in the misery you do you
find joy and I’m sick and I’ve got a
show and I’ve got two episodes tomorrow
I’m still going to crush it it’s not joy
what is it it is done yeah it’s pride
okay
but it’s so in that part because I know
you so well I know you’ve got pride in
it you don’t want me coming along and
telling you what to do I know that’s
your person always watching over me but
you also don’t want me because I’d be
like what are you doing you should be in
bed like you don’t want that either
so this morning I basically said you and
I gave you the Celine Dion example I
said like be like Celine Dion so Celine
Dion gentle boobarella we’re good
so Celine Dion I actually was fortunate
enough to meet her
I mean why why do you forget it was like
I didn’t hang out with her and have a
monster yeah but so annoying me and my
friend Nicole we were we love just kind
of like seeing what we could do like
what famous people we could be was all
the other girls
the younger Junger girls were like going
out clubbing and meeting boys like me
Nicole our thing was like go and hang
out with famous people we got to talk
someday about your ugly duckling phase
okay which i think is probably a parable
and so in high so we got to meet Celine
Dion and her whole thing was if she had
to show that day or the day after she
wouldn’t talk at all like literally she
wouldn’t talk to her bodyguard said okay
you know you got a few girls like wait
here and I’ll come and bring her to you
because she has to leave and exit the
store in a way so when I bring her to
but she won’t talk so she communicates
the two days straight by blowing into
she’s got like a walkie-talkie and she
literally like depending on what channel
she’s on is who she’s talking to so
she’s talking to her husband channel one
she’s talking to her secure
to god channel 2 and she blows and she
had that means come and get me or I’m
not ready yet so like her whole thing is
about performing at that highest level
and so that’s what I was trying to say
to you is I know you can do it I know
you can plow through it and you may even
do an amazing interview but you’re gonna
train yourself and for the rest of the
week you’re not going to be useful so
anyway so here’s my thing
mark Devine you’re capable of twenty
times twenty times more than you think
you are sure off and here’s the thing
like suffering is a choice so like when
I came so I came down and upstairs I was
allowing myself to suffer I’ll be honest
my head just was like killing killing
killing me and when I came down and I
sat down I said okay here’s what I have
to do to perform I have to turn off the
suffering and so as we went live I was
like okay that part like it’s just gone
like the pain is still there but I’m not
going to let myself suffer and it is
insane how I feel better now like I’ll
feel my best today while we’re doing
this and then when I’m done yes I’ll be
a little more fatigued because I did it
but this is where you get to find out
what you’re capable of you have to touch
yourself
and so I’m researching dr. Andy Walsh
she’s one of the people that were
shooting tomorrow dude this is
interesting so his whole thing is so he
runs the Red Bull Human Performance
Institute and they’re all about like
taking people that are you know podium
podium mean you know like a bronze medal
and they’re trying to get him the gold
so they’re already like the best and
they’re just trying to get them you know
a little bit better and how do you push
people forward like that and he said you
know we’re we’re looking at at like how
to eke out these like incremental
improvements and you begin to realize
like you just hit a plateau and so he
said we had to look at like ancient
texts to find out like what did the
Bushido code the samurai like what did
they do and it was always something
where they would go off into the woods
and they would force themselves to
suffer they would sit in a waterfall for
like seven eight hours freezing the
pounding water because what you like you
find yourself at that moment mark Devine
said his Kokoro camp is all about he
said you meet yourself for the first
time and there’s an I think it was Vince
Lombardi that said fatigue make
cowards of us all and it’s like you
don’t know who you are until you’re in a
position where it really really sucks
and every impulse you have is in the
opposite direction like every impulse I
had this morning was to just keep laying
in bed and I didn’t like cancer like I
rationalized it because I had two
important things today a lunch in the
phone call both I think are critical to
what we’re doing at impact theory so to
really build the studio and I thought
don’t be a dumbass right like those are
really important so yes like you want to
show that you can do it but like I get
one chance to make an impression and if
I’m off even a step like that’s not okay
but because the community is like they
have an ongoing relationship with me I’m
thank you for letting me practice
because now I get to come in but here’s
the thing that I told you hear what
you’re saying and that’s how you live by
but if I was to the same you would have
a heart attack a seizure so that
is hypocritical a yes and B I don’t
value you to – sure but okay well
they’re very number this is super
interesting okay so you value yourself
for that and by the way it yes I
recognize the critical nature right very
okay and but that’s actually difficult
for me because you do this and you so
you won’t listen to me sometimes which
is fine like look at the end of a you’re
an adult you will make the fun your
decisions so if I’m like you need to
rest you need to rest we need to rest
and you don’t I say to myself okay well
he’s going to be more sick but he I have
to give him the space for him to do what
he needs to do because this is your
identity you know and so I willed which
is why this morning I said I’m just
going to say this one yeah I’m just
going to say once and then survival
except it still wants the word word is
really long it was but in I want to say
this once and then we’re going to back
off because now I’ve said it and then if
you decide to go down you know wearing
yourself into grounding you more and
more fix and that’s on you I’m not that
I don’t care but you only to make
natural sugar available now the thing is
that is because I admire you so much and
because I respect you and what you do
and the way you think
and I’m always learned trying to learn
and grow and if I was in that situation
multiple things with Graham my head a I
don’t like feeling weak just in general
that’s my own personality so I will try
and push through it and but you will go
to me and say like you need to rest you
need to do this you need to then you’ll
get mad at me if I ignore you
yeah so how do you justify yeah because
I tried to force myself got he knows
what he’s talking about like I really do
listen because I’m I know myself I’m
super stubborn and I will push myself to
the brink of collapsing like so I think
okay I need to listen to him but then I
think harmony he would completely ignore
the same at one you are how many people
outlets work thinking about us if you’re
what which one let it being sick I think
so many people do that in general in
life where one person will you know do
as I say not as I do
and remember no no you don’t ever say
that I’m just saying there were many
situations where that will come up
because do as I do do as I do
like and do you want me to answer your
question yeah because because I wanted
to be universal for also people watching
so don’t have to be sick I’m sure many
people out there have been in situations
where they’re like Hannah Meany they
were just telling me that and now
they’re doing it themselves so just want
to like kind of make it universal for
you there’s no Universal answer okay but
really right there’s no universal taste
there’s no one thing that tastes good to
every weather there’s no one thing okay
growth mindset is universal beyond that
there’s really not a low K so here’s the
problem you will grind yourself into the
dirt yes sir and be sick for a month yes
right have I ever
that’s my hair have I ever I was very
sick and you’re hilarious
have I ever I’m not asking about you now
ask about me write what you will do is
grind yourself all week and you’ll get
through the week and then the weekend
one it’s like oh my god I get to half a
mile you’re so sick okay what is like
that may be another thing but I don’t
push myself to the point of collapsing
like I have
I have an internal mechanism and I don’t
go over the edge so here’s the thing
whatever that internal mechanism is
you’ve had to externalize that and I am
your conscience when it comes to that
you are my conscience so 100% and it’s
like great that’s the dynamic of the
relationship there are other things oh
my god like I need you like a thousand
fold I need you in no uncertain terms
I’m I would be less of a person without
you there are things that I’m like yep
this is where she shines I need to just
listen in fact we were talking about
that this weekend where I was saying the
things that you’re good at I actually
have a part of my brain that goes I feel
so strongly that she’s wrong but I know
that she’s so much better at this than I
am I’m just going to listen and I was
imploring you to do the same thing for
me which is to recognize where I shine
that is an area where I shine like I
know how to like push myself so that
it’s constructive it doesn’t like spill
over into now it’s damaging me and in
fact if you remember back in wareness
technologies when I went in quit it was
because I said it’s now taking from me
right so there was a long time where
it’s grueling it was hard it was brutal
but it was making me better tougher
it was hardening me all the things that
I needed and then it hit a point where
clicked over and that was robbing from
me and because I can see that I said I
have to make a change and then you know
we know how that played out and it ends
up becoming quest and but only because I
could go hang on a minute this is now
corrosive and I don’t do things that are
corrosive so like I
there’s a reason Jordan sits over the
fireplace there’s a reason it’s the flu
game there’s a reason that I’m and I am
admittedly unsure whether I should be
doubling down unlike go for this
like go hard perform perform perform and
then when I woke up this morning I was
like whoa I’m not like I was on the line
right and it’s always like that like
when you first wake up and you’re sick
where you just can’t fathom like getting
up and so it becomes like don’t look at
the marathon I was I couldn’t think whoa
like I have two people to research I
have two intros to write I’m going to
happen like one interview is is taxing
it’s just like so mentally I’m gonna
need you tomorrow right
like you just
one step one step so first it was like
because you know when you’re sick you
get that weird thing where you’re hot
and then you move and you get the chills
oh it’s so unpleasant and so I was like
alright just deal with that like I knew
as soon as I swung my feet out of bed I
was going to get that like chill rush
and so I did that I got my sweatshirt on
and then you put your hand on the back
of my head you know like whoa you’re
really hot and it’s like you just take
the jacket off it was just like one step
one step one and that’s you know at the
end of the day what you have to do but
it’s like I know I’m gonna like I’ll be
reasonable like the two things that I
cancel I could see that it was like okay
I totally hear what you’re saying
I’m checking internally against like is
this the right thing how much of this is
wanting to be the person I want to
become and how much of this is actually
being stupid right so to do the episodes
I think is smart and make sense push
through I’ll learn something about
myself but for people where I only get
like that one chance to make that
impression and it’s so critical to what
we’re doing as a company the only light
because I kept thinking the only reason
to push his momentum and momentum matter
so you know my obsession with that but I
was like if we just push it to Friday
then but as your partner when you when
you see someone doing something you
don’t think it’s necessarily the right
thing to do that is not good for them
and I just have a real problem with that
like he’s ignoring me he’s not listening
to like I know better I can see what’s
happening he’s really wearing himself
out like he just needs to listen and I
would nag you like what are you doing
and I’ve got alright next time I’m just
not gonna same thing and then wouldn’t
say anything and I’m sitting there like
doing it he’s getting himself sick again
you know and like but we’ve really over
or at least you know I’ve overcome that
in just going okay I’m going to say this
once because I know I’ve seen the
pattern and I was out trades I love that
you say and about pattern like don’t be
surprised by Oh never trust with
somebody says don’t even trust they know
patent agent no oh don’t be surprised by
behavior that’s predictable right don’t
be sorry just say that one more time is
get clothes on here move
no pressure don’t be surprised by
behavior that’s predictable like that it
it rings so true to me and so once you
can really accept that once you can
accept like I know ultimately you’re not
you’re going to do what you think is
best
ultimately now my advice may ringing you
know it may like you may think about it
and then you’ll decide but no matter
what you’re going to do what you think
is best
and so I’ve come to that acceptance and
I’ve just got okay I still know me and I
know I’ve tried not saying anything I’ve
tried to be choir I’m something the same
thing he’s in the doll and then I just
wind myself up because by the end of the
day I’m like he said I should have said
something I should have so now I’ve just
tweaked my my approach is I’m going to
say something because I know that I need
to I also want you to know that I care
so I feel like staying silent is kind of
like as if I’m showing I don’t care but
then ultimately you’re going to do what
you want to do and my mum once said when
I was younger I was probably 18 and
legally allowed to drink in England
other Winkle I may have been like 17
verse 12 but anyway I’m drinking it in
England is legal at 18 so let’s just I
was 18 your ID certainly situation the
lamina and anyway so I had a hangover
the next day and I was losing still
living with my mom and I woke up and I
was like oh the webinar and I wasn’t
feeling well and initially she was just
like you did it to yourself
he did it to yourself and then she could
hear me throwing up and throwing up and
intervention she was like do you need
anything
they she just only loved it so much
never be other sex even with it but but
that was it really a good lesson for me
because it was like I’ve really kind of
adopted parts of asses like look I’m
going to give you my advice if you don’t
take it and you do run yourself into the
ground I’m not going to say like see I
told you so Roma or like take care of
yourself it’s like wow I still do feel
sorry for you and because you’re still
six I’m going to take care of you but
I’m still going to think like you know
maybe next time
you should try this and we both know you
are I know you what here’s the thing
like I you never throw that in my face
you’d never be like I told you so
like that’s just not you like even if
you said something along those lines you
would say it like such a sweet way like
maybe like you’ve really got to take
care of yourself and this is why would
they you know to me like what what did
you actually get from saying I told you
so that the only reason why people
that’s right it’s the only reason why
you say that is to satisfy your own ego
dude people are crippled by their desire
to like feed their own ego so of course
people say I told you so all the time
okay you only did not do anything it was
you backward how did it make that little
terrible but it makes the other
person feel bad so now you actually
you’re doing a disservice to what you’re
trying to do which is you actually wanna
know because what they’re trying to do
is feel right and so in that moment they
feel right and it feels so good and
that’s when they have to and I remember
being in this position and that’s when I
was like wait a second and I say I want
a but I’m acting like I won’t be so
which is it
really do I want to be right or do I
want the person to feel taken care of
nurtured because if I want them to feel
taken care of a nurture like stop trying
to point out how right you were
yeah and because you’re really good at
giving credit and I think that’s another
thing if someone was always like look
how good I am look how good I am
I think the people around them would
want like but Unger too and so they
always like may fall into that trap but
you’re really good like sometimes you
even like hey that was such a great idea
Rio’s not my plate that was your idea
not mine
that’s such a powerful I know it is I
know it’s a powerful technique but
you’re so willing to make other people
feel good that I don’t feel that urge to
write you don’t need to take right I
look at a few more questions through and
okay so alright it’s question about kids
kids or finance in fact which one you
want to go for um we talked about kids a
let’s talk about filers alright let’s go
for another question then and so this
question comes from Alex
Aleksei Yankee
and hi from Canada thank you well if
it’s funny at the end though how would
you pronounce that
maybe you Yankee okay like that okay Wow
and I think it’s good I know hey I’m a
movie girl and maybe it’s from a rap
song is it I got it from a movie what I
get is relational irrelevant so – Canada
how would you recommend going from –
income and job stability to one plant
partner wanting a job change and perhaps
going to one income while the other
partner figures out what they want to do
man that’s dope I would be all for that
like that that’s the the bee’s knees
so my veins played along deemed so some
of the best advice I have for anybody
looking to like do what they really want
in life is to be willing to like Top
Ramen it for a while like just put your
Top Ramen like a plumber yeah like
really cheap food
Tina’s burritos I didn’t think you could
get back but my thing is company – I
know noodles for the European perfect
pot noodles like remember when we
decided we were going to start quest
yeah and so went from making more money
than we’d ever made – mean your salary
that you get again company the salary
exactly so it was like now obviously we
would punch ourselves in the mouth if we
woke up with that money but at the time
it was very early and we were like hey
this like I’m not going to be happy
doing that we brought on a new CEO like
his vision for how marketing was like it
just didn’t resonate with me wanted to
really take this quest thing seriously
but we’re going to have to cut our pay
in a third and a third a third we just
bought a house just about a house and we
had to scale back to one car so with one
nice car and one terrible car we’d get
rid of the nice car go to the terrible
car that started to shake it like 65
miles an hour had a leaky exhaust like
that’s a whole nother story which is
amazing but like to scale back to stay
in to say for the next couple years
we’re not going to be doing a lot of
traveling we’re not going to be able to
go out need like we’re going to have to
really buckle down and give this like a
real go and like I mean it’s you know
certainly famous within our community
your whole thing I bet on you like let’s
do it like that some of the like most
amazing stuff in our life has come from
a willingness to bet on us and a
willingness to say ok like yeah we can
tighten the belt we can be poor for a
couple years and really like stick at
this saying out take a gamble really try
to do something exceptional and man so
like I can encourage people to do that
enough but you’ve got to attack everyday
like your life depends on it and that is
the thing like I didn’t go into it like
oh well it’s okay to be poor I was like
I’m trying to make us rich today like
I’m trying to blow things up right now
today but it was predicated on building
value and all that so value was the
filter enjoying my life was the filter
like all of those things were critically
important and they became the filter but
it was like I’m going hard hard hard
hard hard right so same thing here it’s
like man were we are trying to go at a
hundred and fifty thousand miles an hour
and for anybody in the communities
watching like originally back in October
when we first started the sort of
underground building of the company we
said all right we’re going to launch in
January and then by December 31st we
want to be eco system wide we want a
hundred thousand followers and my life
crazy stretch goal was five hundred
thousand and then we hit a hundred
thousand in May so it was like we’re
over seven months ahead of schedule
because we attack every day like our
life depends on it we’re trying to
create momentum we’re always trying to
get things moving like that that’s how
you do this so if you’re going to scale
back if you’re going to give that person
in time to really find what they want
like they’ve got to attack it they can’t
like sit around smokeable like try to
like they like I’m going to go see a
movie
man you got a attack that you’ve
got to figure out okay what am I like
mapped it out what are my areas of
interest how do I turn some of the
overlapping areas of interests that can
be monetized and do a real passion by
gaining mastery it’s like like they need
to be after it and you have to be in it
together right because let’s say for
instance
know this situation but let’s say that
the husband wants a different career not
quite sure what to do I need to explore
want to go out there I want to see
what’s around and the wife isn’t
necessarily in a job that she loves
either right that’s almost a lubricant
and that can cause some friction so I
think is having the discussion about
okay well this is how long I’m going to
take this how long I need to explore
let’s explore this together like you
have to be on that same team because the
last thing you want is eventually to
start bleeding so here’s here’s my thing
and I know this may not be popular it
certainly won’t be universal
barring any opportunity so if one of you
has an opportunity to do something like
I had an opportunity at Qwest borrowing
any sort of you know special
circumstances for me the one who should
suffer longer is the man just definitely
should be in my opinion that’s how I
want to live that’s how I like that’s
important to me so if we were in that
situation we were both had jobs where we
are unhappy I would say you go first and
let’s like get you doing that I will
suffer longer over here obviously the
whole time trying to make this special
and I’m sort of flashing back now I used
to think because now I would force
myself to make great opportunities there
where I was but like in that situation I
would say yeah and have a plan laid out
because the last thing you want I mean
you need to set that but the last thing
you want is to have somebody who is
working hard hating the job feeling good
about giving this other person the
opportunity because I think that that’s
really important right like I’m helping
give them this opportunity to explore
and then then not do anything with it so
coming up with a plan Center okay it
would right and that will just slowly
start to where the person was doing the
job that isn’t happy so I think just
fine get super specific super specific
about what your plans are going forward
and like okay well if in three months we
haven’t here X and we’ll do this and in
six months if we haven’t done this then
we’ll switch out and you know and just
like fig do those exact details that way
you don’t feel bad about like it’s been
like four months and I say still like
they’ve tried this and they’ve tried
that and they still
passionate about anything in here I am
is over than my job like that would just
breed resentment social and then in
regards to reducing it to the the one
salary like I just think it comes down
to what’s important right we said job
security or job stability like that
didn’t even play part in my mind of like
really it was do I have a roof over my
head like what are the most important
things to me I don’t want to sleep on
the street I’m just going to be honest I
don’t want to sleep on the street so do
we have enough money in our finances to
make sure that if the worst cancer worse
and we lost our house that we could rent
somewhere even go to a motel like do we
have enough money for that yes cool so
I’m good with that
the second thing is starve I don’t want
to starve to death I really really don’t
so do we have enough money do we have
enough stability where if the worst came
to worst I could still eat yes
cool now that’s all that is important to
me you need to identify what is really
important to you right because if
someone says like look my house is
important to me I’ve my entire life my
dream my parents never owned their house
and now having a house it’s really
important to me okay we’ll say that out
loud and figure out how you work around
that and so yeah I think that’s super
important group and then just learn what
don’t we care about reducing our costs
so the one big thing that we did I was
really into carpet picnics or just
picnics anywhere so I would make a
little food and I would lay out like
chairs out outside and we take you know
our food outside or do on a rug inside
or we’d built like a little fort inside
you can really go for it we brought for
inside the house and it didn’t cost
anything right it was the cost of just
making the food myself but then I’d give
little coupons where I was like I’d
print them out and it’d be like
congratulations you have a 20 minute
back rub didn’t cost anything pops a
little bit papers are printed on but
doing things like that to make sure that
you don’t feel like your whole life is
just been kind of really reduced and now
your folks I don’t have the money I
don’t have the money but we weren’t
focused on that I just flows like a
little game first like all the fun crazy
things we can do throw the doorbells
right exactly em okay
so it is now 11 o’clock we went one
lightly late amazing I’ll do one more
question earlier vertical I know that
you’re sick for actually feel bad saying
that all right so it’s good and you’ve
got any more questions about finance and
maybe you don’t they’re there I know
yeah you can talk while I find a
question yeah so the question is what do
I keep talking about so Finance is
interesting like I think this is a
really big thing for people and
especially in the beginning of a
relationship to set what the rules of
engagement are is really really
important and that was one of the first
days excuse me
one of the first things that became sort
of a rule for us was what are the rules
of engagement around money I think that
having separate bank accounts we’re
spending money was one of those martes
things that we did yeah I think that’s
really really critical and then just
remembering at the end of the day
especially if you don’t have kids like
what is the thing that you should be
chasing its fulfillment it’s happiness
and making sure that you guys are
willing to work with each other like
that you’re in it together you’re trying
to accomplish something that’s really
going to make you guys feel alive and
those are the things that make a
relationship worth the sacrifice like
getting together living your life and
harmony with another person like if
you’re not getting something really
beneficial out of that then my question
is why are you doing it so doing things
like that being together on the journey
like that’s really really important so
what are those things that make you feel
alive
push board I do have a question and it’s
not really exactly financed but
everybody else and so how did sorry this
question is from Charles Frank Stach the
third well that’s an awesome name I’m
really like kind of getting pulled into
the name thing within and how do you to
set goals together as a couple
do you set individual goals goals also
yeah for sure so
this I would say is not like that that
together goals is less of like a
specific goal and more of a like where
are we trying to take the business so we
need a funny thing yeah because I’m it
is business for sure but let’s say
people that don’t work together really
its goals for your future so do we move
into the direction of having kids do we
move into the direction of for what
would you say are the specific goals
that we say it is business-related but
it’s because we’ve decided to focus on
that like so where I was headed is that
it isn’t like we set micro goals I want
to do this I want to do that it’s coming
up with a vision for us for the business
right so here’s what we’re trying to do
the business it’s not like I want this
much money in the bank account which is
very tangible goal right it really
becomes this is what we’re trying to do
this is the impact that we want to have
like this is where we’re headed it’s
very sort of nimble and like changes
based on where we’re trying to push and
take the business but as individuals I
think we have more specific goals so you
might be trying to do something in the
gym in fact most of the goals that I can
think about that like are really
specific
our gym goals but don’t you think though
that your personal goals are exactly
what has been reflected in the company
and the goals they’re like for instance
you’re passionate about and pulling
people out the matrix and because that
is your goal your personal goal we’ve
developed a business around it so I
actually think that we kind of start off
as our individual goals how how do they
mesh together and then what is that
ultimate goal it’s interesting and so I
think a lot about the person I’m trying
to become who I want to be where I’m
headed the impact that I want to have
and I don’t think of it and it’s so
fascinating because I have somebody
who’s like you’ve got to know exactly
what you want but when I really think
about all of those things like there
are in service for me of the business
but I think that you’re right ultimately
it’s a reflection of what I’m trying to
become the person I want to be the
impact that I want to have but I would
be lying if I said that I think of it
like that it always gets translated into
the business because I can get so
specific so what advice would you give
people where let’s say they’re a couple
and so at least for us like I’ve always
really been on board with the empowering
the motivating the you know because I’ve
seen what you have done with your
mindset and what I have done and what
was built as a business and what we’ve
done is a relationship and I am totally
on board but let’s say you have a couple
who one person has one goal and you know
let’s say they get together cuz we got
together young so I think that we’ve
kind of molded each other over time but
let’s say you get together and one
person has one strong goal the other
person has another strong goal how do
you make them United so at least you’re
kind of moving in that same direction I
think you really just have to talk about
what they are you have to be really
blunt and clear about what you’re trying
to do and accomplish I think it really
works for us because I am vision and you
are strategy and that’s worked really
well so it’s like here’s where we’re
trying to go you get caught up in my
enthusiasm what we’re trying to
accomplish and actually know how to help
get us there and so that going back to
selection matters we work really well
like that together so there’s a natural
sort of yin yang to the way that we
approach things because you want that
right you want me to lead and I want
your help to actually execute and you
know having learned the lesson that I
don’t want to be better than you at
everything and that’s just such a great
like I still can’t believe that I used
to think that’s what you wanted and so
making sure that there’s places where
you shine this places where I shine that
we each recognize the other person and
so in that it’s like that like the
vision is where it starts and then we
get highly tactic
an execution oriented and that’s where I
think our dynamic works so well is is it
vision and execution and that is I think
where people get lost is like they’re
just going in opposite directions maybe
they’re both sort of big vision people
and they’re just you know heading in
separate directions they’re not working
on something and you don’t have to like
99.99% of people don’t work together so
I’m not saying like this is mine it is
about that but it you know it’s
relationship goals what you’re trying to
accomplish what the major movements of
your life are like what does work mean
what matters is it financial is it kids
like what what are you like what are the
grand sort of accomplishments that are
going to make you feel fulfilled they’re
going to make you happy and making sure
that you build those in so I’ll give you
a crazy example there’s this couple that
really really believes that introducing
their kids to different cultures to sort
of extreme environments was way more
beneficial than putting them in
traditional schooling so they packed up
and got unlike a small sailing boat for
lack of a better word and they sailed
around the world for like two or three
years I mean if something crazy and it’s
like that’s like coming together and I
mean what’s important to us so they
wanted to give their kids the kinds of
opportunities that they didn’t have they
also wanted to live like this really
interesting life and be able to do you
know what I think it’s Tim Ferriss are
called the the nouveau riche it’s like
living life where time is your most
precious commodity experience is your
most precious commodity not necessarily
money being able to work from anywhere
and so together they created this really
fascinating life where they were working
in certain financial goals but it also
allowed them to be free to go travel so
that’s like talking and saying like what
do we want okay we want freedom we want
to be able to travel we want our kids to
be able to see cultures and things that
we didn’t see growing up so now then you
can get really specific about what the
execution is so but their jobs like
maybe they both work freelance whatever
in totally different fields or maybe one
of them was a freelancer and the other
was you know in charge of the home and
the homes is there on a boat I have no
idea but like that’s really coming
together painting the vision for what
they want to do that doesn’t necessarily
have anything to do with the business
yeah we really did that even the way
before quest and we both have some
backgrounds and I remember you coming
home coming home one day you know after
we done some film and someone had
butchered something you’re like I’m
never going to do that anymore like from
now on if we go into movie business it’s
because we basically control it as we
put the money behind it and it was such
an audacious goal but it was like okay
cool yeah like let’s do that and so when
you started going into awareness
technologies which from the outside
seemed like the complete opposite to
like making movies and I didn’t just
want to go into any job and I remember
having a discussion with you whales like
sure I can get a job I can earn money
and bring it in and we could upgrade our
lifestyle but it’s not going to get us
where we want right if I just like for
years like I’m going to go into where
the tech like we’re really going to like
you know build this company we’re going
to sell it going to make money we’re
going to make movies like you had that
clear vision so for me just go into any
job just that we can have a more
comfortable lifestyle neither of us
really wanted so we discussed like what
do I do what is my daily activity what
do I am i interested in you encouraged
me to do my art work but I realized that
was more of a hobby than I actually
wanted to go into it as a profession I
didn’t want to necessarily make money
from it because I was really frustrated
by people telling me what to draw or how
to draw and I just want to do it for fun
so that’s wrong you came up with a
phrase that I was in charge of the bill
you enterprises and it was enterprising
Billy yeah maybe I think it was
enterprises and and it basically it was
like you take care of everything we need
to do so that you can go out and really
push and work crazy hours and develop
you know working this business that then
you can sell and make money so we were
in it together so what does that mean
running video enterprises we started a
bunch of other companies that people
just you know we never really talked
about because they failed but you know
it’s like we started so many different
companies
the main come
we were buying domain name I was reading
up on the news to see what was like in
the like the hot topics and so we’re
buying the domains real estate web it
Martin where infant yeah that’s right
and Web Design for solid designing
website so we tried all these different
things but it was a vision of the bigger
vision
so then after kind of stuff and do it so
literally I was making you breakfast
lunch and dinner you would take a little
like pack language box with you to work
and all your clothes were already set
out for you so you’d wake up in the
morning your clothes were just ready
your gym clothes already your socks
already it out like everything was just
ready so the you could be super like
productive but that was a decision we’ve
made together and so that was kind of
yeah
taking our goals and then really blend
them together to achieve a bigger goal
word so there it is all right now we’re
way over she probably ran out there yeah
all right guys thank you so much for
joining us this is a lot of fun even
when I’m sick I enjoy sitting here and
talking relationship theory with this
woman so thank you guys so much for
joining us for submitting your questions
really really amazing and thank you for
being a part of this community if you
haven’t already be sure to subscribe and
until next time my friends be legendary
take care bye
—

This post was previously published on YouTube.

—

What’s your take? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.

◊♦◊

Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.

If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.

All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.

A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free