Rethinking the “I Need to Vent” Approach

It’s always strange when a truth you’ve known forever to be true, suddenly just isn’t anymore.

Between going through a difficult divorce and dealing with a toxic-ex while co-parenting, having several painful breakups over the years, and working as a manager in customer service and dealing with many difficult people, I have had my fair share of difficulties. I had to have a coping mechanism for all of what I was going through.

Venting was always my release, my go-to. How I felt better about things. How I looked forward to meeting up with some friends who are my support system who could hear me out, take my side, and commiserate with me. When I would call my mom on the phone and share with her what happened and have her sympathize. Even going to therapy and getting all of my frustrations off my chest.

I had many ways that I vented my problems and I always thought once I was able to do that, I would feel so much better.

I became particularly vulnerable right after my divorce and I needed someone to talk about my problems to. I needed to vent all the time. Looking back on it, I was probably such a drain on everyone around me. Fortunately they loved me enough to stand by me during this period of time and are still around to this day.

I was so lonely at this time and had too much time to myself. I tried too hard at dating and was desperate to find someone to ease the loneliness.

I fell into a new relationship that was completely wrong for me. I later found out the man I fell so hard for and dated for over a year and a half was still married, had no plans on getting divorced, and lied about it.

I was in a state of depression that I had never experienced before. I went out with friends all the time, vented how I had been wronged and how much it hurt. I was going out several times a week which involved many drinks, which would make me lament over my problems even more.

No matter how much I tried to talk to everyone in my circle about my state of mind and vent to them about all of my problems, I never any felt better. Therapy helped some, but I noticed that the more I talked about my heartbreak and how I would never be happy again during my therapy sessions, the worse I felt afterwards.

I could not get better. I felt like I was doomed for a life of sadness, heartbreak and depression. This went on for months.

One day after a particularly long crying jag, I decided I could no longer go on like this. I had to do something different.

After all of my venting and talking about my problems for months on end I was not getting any better.

I finally took a new approach. I stopped talking about him to anyone. I pretended he didn’t exist and that the breakup never happened. If someone asked me how I was doing getting over it, I responded that I was moving forward positively and quickly changed the topic. Anytime a painful thought crossed my mind, I immediately redirected my brain to another thought — any thought. And fast. I thought of things on my to do list, what I was making for dinner, places I would like to visit, any happy thoughts I could possibly think of to get my mind off of it.

And do you know what? It actually worked. So much better than venting. In about a month I was almost back to my normal self which I hadn’t made any progress towards in 6 months.

I started looking into it more. Why hadn’t venting helped me? I had always thought for my whole life, that the way to deal with your problems is to talk about them and share them with someone else. I thought that venting should be your go-to solution when you needed to feel better about your problem. I had always been told that communicating with others is always the way you are going to help yourself deal with things.

When I finally came to the realization that all of this venting and talking about my problems did ever help me feel better about things, I started to look deeper.

I finally discovered that the research says the exact opposite.

A study conducted in 2024 analyzed 154 previous studies regarding what happens when people vent. The results showed exactly what I had experienced myself. Venting actually exacerbated the problem, making it worse rather than helping.

I was surprised to find this out, but it made sense. After trying to heal for months by venting, I wasn’t making any progress at all towards healing.

So the next time you want to release some steam by venting to get something off your chest, you might want to rethink that. Playing some calming music, going for a walk outside in nature, getting your favorite coffee, doing a 5 minute meditation, or anything else that brings your joy will help the situation much better than venting and rehashing your problem all over again.

What are your thoughts about venting? Please share in the comments.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.