Retrouvaille? What’s That?

Pope Francis recently met with couples from Retrouvaille communities around the world and gave his blessing to their work helping those with relationships in crisis. While the meeting was not widely reported, it gave Retrouvaille (pronounced retro-vi with a long i) more press than it has received since its inception in Quebec in 1977. I’m sure that most people who saw the coverage said “What’s Retrouvaille?”. While the official answer to that question is here on their website, I’d like to add some personal insights as both a Retrouvaille participant and presenter.

In 2011, my wife and I were at the point where most couples would have gotten divorced. Over the twenty-five years of our marriage, we had hurt each other deeply and repeatedly. To make matters worse, if you had put my capacity for forgiveness in a lunch box, there would have still been room for a sandwich, thermos, and an apple. We were angry and frustrated with each other and only the barest threads of communication were left for us to maintain a home and family. Still, there was a tiny pilot light of caring left in our relationship. Before it went out, a friend recommended we try Retrouvaille. We went, it worked and now we are presenters.

I don’t want to sound preachy. I’m not advocating the sanctity of marriage under any circumstance. There are couples who should not be together no matter how much work they put into communication and empathy. But there are many more couples who are lonely, in pain, angry with their spouse and they can’t figure out how to make things better. Often, they give up trying, maybe find someone else, and move on. That’s the path I was on.

So, what does participation in Retrouvaille entail? You and your spouse spend a weekend listening to presenting couples who have been in crisis and are now using the tools from Retrouvaille to work on making their relationships better. A Catholic Priest also participates to provide insight and support for those couples or individuals who want it. After the weekend there’s a series of Saturdays where couples help you dig deeper into learning and applying the Retrouvaille techniques. Then if you want it, you are part of a community of couples who support each other for the rest of their lives.

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There have been times when people who know Retrouvaille point to similarities with Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, some things are similar but there are key differences. For example, at Retrouvaille only the presenters tell their stories. Also, Retrouvaille does not have a step that says we are powerless over the problems in our marriage and that we need to rely on a higher power to help us fix our relationships. There are those in Retrouvaille who reach out to God for help and that’s great. But as far as I am concerned that’s not a requirement to rebuild a marriage. I suspect the many non-practicing couples at a Retrouvaille weekend would agree.

I had mixed reactions to the Pope’s endorsement. The endless myriad of negative publicity surrounding the Catholic Church is hardly a selling point for couples who most likely haven’t been inside a Church in years. When I talk about Retrouvaille, I talk about how learning how to reconnect with your partner is the point. I know many couples who are happier in their relationships because of Retrouvaille. I don’t know or ask about their views on religion.

That said, I’m very lucky to be part of a supportive Parish at Saint Ignatius in San Francisco (the Church, not the school — our kids went to Mercy and SHC). SI’s active support of Retrouvaille is the primary reason that my wife and I are back to going to mass on Sundays. There are many Catholic Parishes around the world that are unaware or indifferent to the work of Retrouvaille. I’m hopeful that the endorsement of Pope Francis may change that.

I’m sure there’s plenty of folks in Retrouvaille who have a different view on how the program works and that’s why this is a Medium post and not something official on the Retrouvaille website. But if you were curious, I hope this gave you some insight.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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