Sad Over Words from Your Spouse? Instantly Change That Now

AN EX-PERSPECTIVE

“She told me I was a fraud. These words penetrated my soul. Feelings tight. A knot welling up. At the onset of COVID everything was uncertain. Born with asthma I did not know if COVID would kill me. The news said high risk people were certain to die. Now, trying to have a conversation about what to happen if I should die after contracting what I thought was COVID — I was met with a harrowing arrow. She meant to cause maximum pain. It did. How could a single stranger suggest what I was and without presenting any proof to the person who was allegedly once closest to me she believe it? In an instant, I snapped out of it. I remembered.”

THE STORY OF A PRICELESS PERAL

My daughter once experienced bullying. Her self-esteem low, I searched for a way to illustrate her true worth. Many tie intrinsic value (value in of itself) to the external opinions of others. This is a slippery slope which I think no one should walk. It is easy to fall into an abyss of depression when a chain of another’s praise does not provide you with security from falling.

Another name I use for intrinsic value is self-worth. Generically, I say worth. It is possible for something to have extreme worth with little to no value to others. I told my daughter this short story of a treasure hunter to drastically alter her view of herself forever.

The Treasure Hunter Story

A treasure hunter was charged by a Queen to find what she believed to be the most valuable stone in the world. Upon discovery and its return, the treasure hunter was told he would be rewarded beyond measure. The treasure hunter would face untold adversity and nearly lose his life. After facing near death, countless years, an entire crew lost he returned. Upon his return the stone had lost its value, and no one wanted it. The Queen broke her promise but said he could keep the stones for himself. Falling into depression he returned back to the place of discovery. A deserted island. He organized all the stones into a message where it read “NO TREASURE HERE”. He died. A thousand years later when someone discovered the place of treasure (an island) it was considered the richest treasure of valuable stones. The people who rediscovered his NO TREASURE HERE message a thousand years later became the wealthiest people to ever live.

THE VALUE OF OPINIONS

I told this story to my daughter to illustrate how opinions of value do not change what something is. I told her the stone was pearl. It is possible to have an exceedingly high worth but carry little to no value with others. Her self-esteem (i.e. self-worth) is extremely high now. I tell this story to people in my life when they suffer from self-esteem issues. It is a very powerful message. I have seen it work time and time again.

What makes it powerful is there is a real truth to it.

Let me illustrate the truth of how high worth can be devalued by the opinions of others with a historically true example. Remember, I chose a pearl for a reason.

Pearls are often repotted as the oldest valuable gem known to humankind and have been collected for about 8,500 years. (2)

Cleopatra used two pearls to attract Marc Antony of Rome which were reported to be valued at 10,000,000 sesterces ($7.6 million in 2021 value). The value of pearls did not drastically change until the discovery of the New World (4) and their value did not collapse until the 1920s when cultured pearls showed up.

Maurice Shire was quoted in a 1985 National Geographic article on pearls (by Fred Ward) as saying that, “In the 1920s, there were over 300 U.S. natural-pearl dealers. By the 1950s we were down to six, and now none.”

A single item once valued into the millions today finds itself at the front of Macy’s, in an unprotected cardboard packaging box, on a table everyone forgot about, marked down for 19.99, next to the front door without a camera on it. The caveat?

No person is paying attention to something which a hundred years ago fetched thousands of dollars in today’s money.

WHAT CHOOSING WORTH OVER VALUE LOOKS LIKE

People Who Reference Worth Say: I gave it my all. I cannot control the results. I can only control my effort. I am satisfied with how hard I tried. I cannot control the opinions of others. I use others’ shortcomings to illustrate personal virtue.

How They Approach Life: They understand everyone has opinions. Someone doubling down on their opinion does not make anything true. They look at what can be proven versus what something looks like. They are satisfied with their 100% effort. They do not concern themselves with negative feelings if their intentions were pure, they were not mean spirited and genuinely tried their best to do good. Everything is a learning experience to improve for them.

Stability of Emotions: They do not instantly get angry. They politely end conversations and de-escalate a situation if someone lacks control (i.e. gets angry). They do not respond to things which are not true with anything other than critical questions. People who lie cannot prove what they say, and they know this. It is only a matter of time before the truth unfolds. They remind themselves they can choose emotions in emotionally charged situations. They do not surrender their emotions to others to manipulate based on another’s words / actions / opinions.

How This Space Illustrates:

Present Situation — “You woke up at 2am last night, took your phone into the bathroom. I know you are cheating on me!”

Present Response — “You’re entire conclusion is based on me going into the bathroom at 2am with my phone. That is ridiculous. I will not have this conversation. Next time ask me if you can please read my text messages from 2am to calm your own insecurities. Apologize once you find nothing. Because I love you, I will try to help you calm your insecurities. BUT without trust we will inevitably have to end this relationship. You must make a choice to trust me. If you cannot trust me, we must go our separate ways. Have a good rest of your day.”

What This Response Does:

· It prevents large emotional rollercoasters. Imagined consequences which never occur are worse than actual consequences. This response will spare you unnecessary negative emotions.

· It prevents regretful actions. You cannot undo what you do. The past is permeant. The only thing worse than making a mistake is committing an error. Mistakes are things you unintentionally do. Errors are actions you take thinking you are right when in fact you are wrong. Accusing someone of cheating with no evidence is an error not a mistake.

· It promotes healthy adult conflict resolution. Never model your behavior after a child or a baby. All children instantly react to negative stimuli. They get angry, cry and apologize later because they feel bad. Don’t adopt a behavior pattern that even a baby can do. It makes you look foolish. Adults can feel an initial feeling, process it and then calmly have a discussion. This is not a superpower. It’s called being an adult. Stop acting childish.

Three Ways To Change Your Mood (Use Them)

1. Remind Yourself Who Owns Your Feelings. Last time I checked your feelings are your feelings. They come from inside your body. That means you get to choose what feelings you feel.

2. Box Breathe. If you don’t know what this is it’s when you take a deep breath, hold it and slowly let it out. Some trainers in the military teach this technique to people during fire fights. It’s measured in intervals of 4s. This is how I breathe during extreme stress, violent situations or blind-siding events. It allows clear decisive action over impulse knee jerk reactions.

3. Ask Yourself The Question. An easy way to stop an emotional rollercoaster is to self-centeredly ask yourself, “What do I want from this exchange?”. Your mind will find an answer quickly. Than ask, “Is what I’m feeling going to get me what I want?”. If it is no, than change your mood to get what you want. It’s an incredibly powerful tool which gets you out of a negative space quickly if the negative space is not giving you what you want. We all want what we want. It requires little willpower to choose a feeling which gets you what you want. Try it.

The Value of This Philosophy

· You don’t let others use your personal stuff without permission. That should include deploying words to manipulate your feelings. You should not give someone permission to alter your feelings as they wish.

· This will lower your stress level instantly when you do this. It is well researched and proven.

· This turns a common impediment into a powerful tool. Humans are notoriously self-centered. This takes the human fallacy of thinking selfishly and repurposes it into a positive tool which grounds you back to stability.

IN CLOSING

I do not wish my personal circumstances on anyone. It is for this reason that now I am the ultimate authority on what not to do. My much-anticipated new book “Turning Indictments To Dollars” talks about how to avoid the pitfalls I suffered. If you are accused of something you know you didn’t do — this book will offer you the path which grants you success. Trust me you will want to Sign up for free during the pre-release period to take advantage of unique $0.99 pricing on launch.

Sign up for free to listen free of charge to my chapter in “Many Paths To Profit”. You can pick up a copy of my international best-selling and award winning book, “I Made It Then I Didn’t” as well for a deeper insight.

The concept I teach in this article is free. Some of my personal stories are not free of charge as everything costs something. The techniques I discuss in this article I use. The purpose of reading this is to help those who struggle during large emotional swings.

If you are undergoing negative feelings because of a loved ones’ words, it’s critical you read this. These are time tested strategies I have personally deployed and taught to others. I am not a psychologist or a relationship counselor but everyone I personally know credits these tools as a large contributor to their emotional stability. Try them and tell me how they are working for you in the comment section.

To Your Knowledge Success!

Sources

1) The life of Christopher Knight Lopez a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t”.

2) Ainis, A., Fujita, H. & Vellanoweth, R. L., 2019. The Antiquity of Pearling in the Americas: Pearl Modification Beginning at Least 8,500 Years Ago in Baja California Sur, México. Latin American Antiquity, 30(3), pp. 637–643.

3) Ullman, B. L., 1957. CLEOPATRA’S PEARLS. The Classical Journal, 52(5), pp. 193–201.

4) Ball, S. H., 1935. A historical study of precious stone valuation and prices. Economic Geology, 30(5), pp. 630–642.

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Not a form of investment advice. Please consult a professional registered to give you advice about your individual circumstance. This article is for educational purposes and entertainment purposes only. Please do not email the author about advice on investing or strategies on making investments.

About Christopher: Christopher Knight Lopez is a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller, Award Winner of the December 2024 prestigious International Impact Book Awards — a premier award program dedicated to celebrating and recognizing the exceptional work of authors around the globe and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t”. He is also a Co-Author with Kevin “The Shark” Harrington “Many Paths To Profit”. See more at www.christopherklopez.com.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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