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I think it’s no secret that we’re often attracted to a person or relationship because they provide something we think we need, whether consciously or subconsciously. These needs often develop in the wake of something difficult that came before. These difficulties, I’ll qualify as traumas, can have profound and lasting effects on our lives, and therefore, on our relationships. When we come together with someone who has unresolved trauma, the residual effects will be present in relationship. And likewise, when we enter a relationship with our own unresolved trauma, it will play out in the relationship. Often, both partners come with trauma memory.
Because sexual abuse and assault occur as frequently as they do, the chance that your partner may have experienced such a trauma is unfortunately likely. Trauma has effects on the brain and the body. Even without the direct perpetrator present, a victim of previous sexual abuse might go into a fight/flight/freeze trauma response if they are merely reminded in any way of the perpetrator. For example, if their perpetrator was a male, then another male can trigger them simply by being male. In another example, if the incident happened while on one’s back, then intercourse with a loved one might be triggering every time they are on their back and underneath someone. This could happen even years later, as time alone doesn’t heal this wound.
As you can see given these examples – the chance of a trauma memory being triggered by a loved one, or during intimacy, is also very high. It is also quite possible that you and your partner may have difficulty talking through these things, as it is often seen as shameful, or perhaps your partner doesn’t even know why they react the way they do. It requires an immense amount of trust to bring haunted memories into the light of a relationship, and especially into a place of intimacy. However, to do so could mean immense healing for both involved.
Here are 5 tips to use while navigating the lurking presence of trauma in an intimate relationship.
1. Create a space of acceptance.
If your partner has a preference, please respect it – and potentially with even more compassion than you’re used to practicing. For example, if they need a light on during love making, be supportive of that need. The day will likely come when, with increased trust, the light isn’t needed anymore.
2. Notice where your partner pulls away.
Try not to take it personally. It is difficult when we feel any sense of denial from our partner, to be sure. However, that recoil or denial may not have anything to do with the present moment, but rather with their triggered trauma memory. The best thing you can do in this case is to stay steady. Which brings me to point #3.
3. Stay steady in your response.
If your partner is in a fight/flight/freeze state in their brain and body, just try to be present, and not make any sudden moves. You know when one person yells and the other person then yells right back? This is where you want to really refrain from that. Try to pause, not react, and note that the action of your partner might be a reaction to their own internal condition. When the brain is in fight/flight/freeze, it is protective, and conversation is far less probable, because stress and conversation come from two different parts of the brain. If your partner feels like they are being protective, it is a huge sign for you that something deeper could be going on, and staying steady with your body, emotions, and words can be very helpful in diffusing the response and restoring safety.
4. Safe and steady touch.
The body remembers trauma, even when the brain doesn’t. If someone is tense, or also if they seem disengaged, both may be trauma showing up in an intimate situation. If your partner is nervous, or if their body stiffens or quivers, you can imagine that you are tenderly taking care of the part of the body where this is occuring. Show love. Ask what is needed. Touch softly and tenderly, and see if the reaction subsides.
5. Clear communication.
Communicating intentions, wants, desires, and your love for one another before an act of intimacy may allow for each person to relax into the intimacy. This is an area that may seem contrived or unnecessary, but what this does is allows for increased trust and reduction of that fight/flight/freeze threat mechanism in the brain. Don’t forget, you can also communicate a lot of safety and connection with loving eye contact, with a safe speed of advancement, and by having fun!
It is possible to handle old traumas with care inside of relationship, and I believe that in time, with these practices and others, true and safe intimacy can actually heal old trauma memory. In relationship, we crave intimacy and connection, and at times, unknown forces keep us apart. Those forces can be silent trauma memory and the residual effects. Any time you can make an effort to increase connection, bring compassion to the tender areas, and reduce your own reactions to fight/flight/freeze in your partner, you are on the path to healing.
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Photo credit: Pixabay