In the Actors Studio Host James Lipton interviewed Best Actor Academy Award Winner Anthony Hopkins. James asked his signature question: What is your favorite curse word?
Anthony told the story about his discussion with a Jesuit Priest. He asked the Priest, what was the shortest prayer that he knew. The Priest thought about it for a moment. He said, “Fuck it.”
Anthony said he used that prayer all the time. Me too.
To clarify, “Fuck it” is not the same as “Fuck you.” The latter is about blowing someone off, cursing out of fear and anger. Not good. The former is not so much a prayer, but rather a belief in myself. In the bigger picture, “Fuck it” surrenders to what is. It’s being present in the moment.
There are many opinions and judgements about me, including my own self-judgements. A lot of my self-judgement is my fear inside is that I’m not good enough, that I never will be. When I say “Fuck it”, I’m responsible for me, for who I am, what I do. That’s all on me, not on others. I work on myself, not on them. I give up what I have to and do what I need to be the greatest that I can be.
In Aikido, Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” When the bigger, stronger man punches to my face, I wait it out. I enter the attack and die with honor. I get in the distance of the attack. I get under the attack, get under what I fear. I’m in the danger. I hold my position. Make my timing.
Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” I apply nikkyo (wristlock) to myself and match the punch with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the attacker’s head). I apply the technique to myself, not to the attacker. I work on myself, not on them.
O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. I enter the attack. Hold my position. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I can let the attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker can take the fall or get struck down. I could win or lose. The attacker could win or lose. We both choose. What happens, happens.
Under the attack, in the danger, I give up what I have to and do what I need to be the greatest that I can be. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. I let go my fear inside me that I’m not good enough. I surrender to what happens, to the present. Fuck it. My catharsis. I do the best that I can. I free myself. I’m free to be me.
Before my Sandan (3rd degree black belt) test, my friend Mike said that I already knew what I needed to know. I just had to show what I know. He said, “Just have fun.” I got it. I worried way too much about not being good enough, about not looking good in front of everyone.
When I started my test, I said myself, “Fuck it.” I didn’t give a shit about what others thought or what I thought about me. I was present in the moment. I had fun. I passed my test.
Someone called me, because she was down and felt a little sad. Otherwise, when she’s good, she doesn’t call. She used me, because she wanted something. I got that. Although being used feels like an attack, at least from where I stood. Kobayashi Sensei said, “When someone attacks you, they are asking for your help.” The world is not all about me. I let it go. I got over myself. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a lot to do with what goes on inside me. I helped out as best as I could. Fuck it.
The older I get, the less I give a shit about what others think about me. Perhaps, I’m getting wise in my old age. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I work on myself, not on others, not on them. That’s all I can do. I do my best and try to be my best. If that’s not good enough, I say my prayer: Fuck it.
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