We’re living in a complex time of our lives where everything comes first. we make time for everything and everyone but mostly, we cannot spend more time in the shower than we should, because we don’t have time for ourselves.
Self-care in particular is something we miss in the hustle and bustle of our adult life. we bottle up things until we burst them out in another mental breakdown and then, we start the same process all over again. it seems like shoving down emotions is the new norm, and you can’t blame anyone for it. it’s just life.
I know that the ambitious part of you refuses to believe that this is life. but it is what it is. you’re way ahead if you accept it now rather than at an unknown time in the future. also, I strongly believe that whatever you deny, hunts you down and bring you to your knees. so when you’re facing an strong force as life, just surrender and make realistic changes.
Self-love starts with an attitude, it’s a journey that goes deeper and deeper within you. unlike regular cognitive experiences, it has many aspects and multiple layers which makes it adventurous but not hard at all.
Self-love is easy because it requires no tool. it’s a connection between you and yourself. it’s the feeling you have for your existence when you’re on your own, not when you’re writing your LinkedIn bio.
To start loving yourself, you must clear the obstacles first. it’s pretty much like farming. first, you remove the weeds otherwise they take over the soil and starve your plants. you need to remove any feeling that makes you feel not worthy of love.
have you been treated without respect as a child? did you always receive a smaller portion of food/meat at the table? have you ever felt invisible to your loved ones? these are a few indications that help you start healing yourself.
You must’ve felt angry, unsupported, ignored, and helpless in those moments. if so, start there. forgive yourself for dealing with these uncomfortable situations while you weren’t prepared for, or deserved to go through. then open your eyes to what you want to experience instead.
To help you better, imagine you are a mom/dad now. what type of childhood would you create for your kid? how do you want him/her to remember a childhood? these are also hints that show you where to start with yourself because, in the journey of self-love, you become your own everything. you play the role of your own lover, parent, friend, support, caretaker, etc.
If you think it’s selfish, it’s most probably because you haven’t experienced it yet. none of these separates you from others or denies the fact that you need them to do these for you. we’re social beings and there’s no doubt about that. but, if you really want to purify your self-love, you need to be the primary source of it, everything and everyone comes next.
Your next step is to be fully conscious of your own stamina and gradually, expand it to all your senses and observations. by doing this, you learn to draw your attention from external stimulants to within. people with PTSD and other mental issues may struggle with this, but eventually, they’re able to achieve it seamlessly once their self-love obstacles are gone.
As you’re conscious of your living experience, you notice your positive and negative triggers in life. as a spontaneous result, you know yourself 100x better than how others know themselves, therefore you will have a very strong self-esteem and you can’t be messed with. a lot of toxic people fail to target you and leave your life for this reason. it’s like you’re purifying your life by sending sophisticated signals to the universe.
As a long-term result, you are always able to map your thoughts and emotions and this is very important. let me make you an example, imagine you wake up to the wrong annoying wake-up alarm, which can frustrate you for minutes. imagine your car was stuck in traffic and still, a car hits your truck. imagine you’re coming home from a very annoying day at work and you’re only hope is a lovely food that you plan to order, but it arrives 45 minutes late and it’s cold.
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In our daily lives, we miss the trace of these events and how they affect us. that’s how we get lost in our emotions. we don’t know what triggered what, we don’t know how we got angry in the first place, and even worse, we sleep on that anger and present it to our subconscious so it delivers it rightt back to us (if not 10x harder) the next morning.
you think you’re on the edge of having 10 mental breakdowns altogether, but you’re just lost inside. you can’t figure out the problem and that weighs you down. so whenever something happens like this, stop whatever you do and map your feelings. try to figure out where your frustration started.
The good news is, you can follow the same method for your positive moments. as you’re understanding your negative triggers, you must also discover and identify your positive triggers too. if you know what makes you upset, you also need to know what makes you happy.
This is the moment you have to live fully in the moment, for yourself. you’re being the most conscious version of yourself. do whatever you do with full awareness. if you’re eating a meal, think that if you will have this food ever again, and why.
It’s an easy simple practice but it works wonders because you inspire your whole being to communicate with you. your whole digestive system starts working to gather data for your brain, to make you decide whether you eat it or not. you can then follow the same method for everything, ie why you don’t like a particular color, or find a perfume attractive, etc.
This is all about knowing yourself well, and it’s the highest form of love. we all know how our mothers show us the same love through different moments, ie when they cheer us up on special occasions with our favorite things. I’m making an example of motherly love because that’s one of the purest forms of love. they have definitely thought it through to decide how to make you happy and also, how to prove their love to you.
If I tell you that you’ve got to act like your own mother I haven’t lied. once you love yourself, you just don’t repeat “I love myself” 10 times a day. you actually live your life out of love and if that gives you more responsibility, you’ve got to accept it. because in the end, even if you get all the help you need, you are living the life yourself and no one can make you feel loved externally, once you haven’t done anything for yourself. this is why the rich live a sad life and the impoverished lives happier.
Loving yourself is another full-time job and it’s understandable if we don’t have time for it. we don’t have to make a huge deal out of it. our connection with ourselves is shaped by how we trigger it. if we constantly exhaust our bodies, there is a high chance our being doesn’t like us. it can turn against us and this situation — if not addressed — can lead to serious autoimmune diseases. I was one of these people, I spent great years of my life dealing with serious health problems and although I’m mostly healed now, whenever I feel a little less loved, my body reminds me by showing the same old symptoms, isn’t that just amazing?
Start loving yourself simply, and easily. if you turn it into a hard task, you’ll never do it. in fact, you will feel less worthy of love because you’re not even able to provide it for yourself. that attitude can harm you in your relationships, and you can make desperate decisions.
Taking it easy is the key, then it’s the consistency. treat yourself like a fabulous perfect being. often surprise yourself with what you love, and it doesn’t have to be pricey. if you had a long day, then treat yourself to a movie by your celebrity crush or a call with your BFF that makes your jaw hurt by laughing.
If you’re having a hard time, focus on how you can make things better for yourself. remember, people can be around you and be your best support, but they can’t live in your head and wipe off toxic thoughts. that is your job. self-love helps you befriend yourself at a level that your being opens up problems easier to you so you at least know what the problem is. a lot of people go to psychologists for that and you have it right within you.
I’m not denying the power of psychology. in fact, a powerful indestructible self-love can make implementing positive mental suggestions easier and more effective.
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The bottom line is, be your source of love, joy, and compassion. never judge your feelings or feel sorry for them. the first stage of love is forgiveness, so you can accept who you’ve become.
In the communication you have with yourself, everything is safe and everything is beautiful because there is nothing more amazing than self-discovery that reveals exciting details about you, of whatever shapes YOU!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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