Self-Love Is a Run-On Sentence

Someone asked me how I learned to love myself. I shrugged like I always did and recited my typical rundown of books I’ve read and philosophies I’ve adopted that helped (and still help) me along my way. It would be a long while before I formed a definitive answer to the question.

Such an ambiguous idea, self-love. It’s taken to mean so many things, some of which actually make us love ourselves less. Because we often think it should prevent us from ever acting against our best interest. Then when we inevitably do, we beat ourselves up about it, chipping away at our own self-esteem.

Books didn’t make me love myself and won’t make you love yourself. Though tools offer support, therapeutic reading and experiences helped me understand myself. It took me behind the curtain of my thoughts so I could comprehend how I came to be this person who does the things I do.

When I could be honest with myself about who I was, that was the tipping point. When I could embrace my existence as an imperfect being who doesn’t always say or do the ideal thing, self-love began to overflow. I’m a fierce proponent of growth and personal development. But I had to be OK with the revelation of my shortcomings even as I worked to improve.

Because you can’t hold authentic regard for a façade. You can’t only save space for the reflection that is flawless. I had to love the self I understood.

I had to be able to say, “I could have been better here,” and still love myself. I needed to get to a place where I could acknowledge the ways I may have hurt someone without taking it to mean I’m a hurtful person. I had to dig for the root of actions that don’t align with who I envision myself to be and not fear what I might find.

Learning to accept myself, to hold without chastising my shadow self, is how I learned to love my whole self. That’s what I would say now when asked. That I stopped measuring my worth against a standard so objectively unreachable that I wasn’t receptive to the notion that I may have fallen short.

Prioritizing your wants and needs, refusing to accept poor treatment, and nurturing your well-being are all components of self-love. But I’ve discovered the external focus alone is insufficient. Self-love is a perpetual mindset, a lifestyle. It’s a series of value-affirming actions, events, and perspectives practiced in concert.

Self-love is not allowing the opinions or attention of others to dictate its presence. Because the only path that leads there, runs through you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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