Self-Obsessed Narcissism Is Ruining Relationships

It’s no secret — we are self-centered beings.

We see the world from the lens of our own perspective, where we are the Main Character and everyone else plays a supporting role. This doesn’t mean that we treat people poorly or that we are lost on the virtues of selfishness and sacrifice.

What it does mean is that we have to actively choose not to be selfish.

And that takes effort.

(For some more than others.)

How does our inclination towards selfishness affect our relationships with others?

Romantic or not, selfishness is at the root of all evil. It’s basically saying, “I want what I want, regardless of what you want.”

At best, selfishness pushes people away. At worst, it leads to harming and abusing others.

Selfishness is the antithesis of love.

Is there such a thing as selfish love?

Short answer: no. At least not in any true sense of the word love.

Love — true, authentic love — demands sacrifice. It doesn’t matter in what context. If you are to maintain a healthy, loving relationship, you will inevitably be forced to make sacrifices and compromises for the good of your beloved.

If you are unwilling to do that, you can be certain that you do not love.

Love is not a feeling.

Our feelings are fleeting and change constantly. One moment we’re happy, the next we’re frustrated, and after that, we’re excited, or afraid, or peaceful. Feelings are not a good measure of a permanent reality.

Many people believe that being “in love” is an emotional state. It’s that giddy-butterflies-in-your-stomach, everyday is a fairytale feeling. But anyone who has been in love for longer than a year or two knows that those feelings (as great as they might be) are not indicators of authentic love.

Love is much more than a feeling.

Love is choosing to stand by someone’s side, even when things are tough. It’s choosing to forgive a person’s flaws while encouraging them to be the best version of themselves. It’s doing things that you otherwise wouldn’t want to do because you know it makes them happy.

Love is apologizing when you’ve done something wrong. It’s acknowledging another person’s viewpoint that may not agree with your own. It’s listening instead of talking. It’s refraining from using hurtful words when you’re frustrated. It’s putting the needs of another before your own.

Love is an act of the will.

It is willing the good of the other. It is doing what is best for the other.

It is allowing another person’s wants or needs to take precedence above your own.

There are healthy and unhealthy ways to love.

The healthiest love stories are ones in which both people understand that they are called to make sacrifices for the sake of their beloved.

When both parties are striving to will the good of the other (and they won’t be perfect at it), that is the foundation for love.

But when both parties try to bend each other to their will, conflict is inevitable. Relationships are no longer desirable because the “butterflies” stage doesn’t last. People get frustrated with each other. We assume that if another person doesn’t want exactly what we want, we are with the wrong partner.

Modern dating has forgotten that sacrifice is a virtue.

Like most things in life today, Western culture (especially) is obsessed with instant gratification. We want the newest, the lastest, the greatest, the fastest, the shiniest, the best — at any given time.

Sure, when shopping for sneakers or a pair of jeans this mentality makes things hard enough.

But when looking for a relationship? Forget it.

Dating is no longer about looking for someone who might be a good life partner, where both people can participate in the mutual give-and-take of a healthy relationship.

Dating has become all about the almighty Self. Or, in layman’s terms, what can you do for me?

Why should I date you?

If everyone carries that mentality, relationships will be based on mutual taking, instead of mutual giving. And that is never a good foundation for anything.

It is only a matter of time before people feel so used and empty that they no longer see the point of relationships.

What’s so great about being used and eventually discarded when the warm-and-fuzzies wear off?

Not a thing.

My advice on sustaining a relationship?

Focus more on what you can bring to it than what you want out of it. Focus more on what you can give to a person than what you can get out of them.

And — this one is important — find a partner with the same mentality.

If you are looking for someone to use, be prepared to be used yourself.

If you are looking for someone to take from, be prepared to be robbed yourself.

But if you are looking for someone to give to, to sacrifice for, and to love regardless of their flaws, be prepared to wait until the right person comes along.

It won’t be quick, easy, or convenient, but it will be worthwhile.

—

This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

***

You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:

White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock