We’re all a bit narcissistic—and that’s OK. But you’ll never get your needs met if you choose a selfish partner.
Most people like center stage occasionally. When it’s all the time, watch out!
Whether they stay front and center by being charming or nasty often doesn’t matter to them. What matters is occupying—and owning–that space. All the space.
These folks place a supreme and extreme priority on their own desires, thoughts, beliefs, and wishes, and they demand that you follow suit. After all, why wouldn’t you? Surely you have nothing more pressing to do than make them happy, meet their demands, or live up to their expectations.
Loving them becomes increasingly difficult. You try to appease and not to displease. You give them what they want, only to find that they want more. And, then, that’s not enough!
There is little if any equity in your relationship with them. When you want to be heard or seen, you are accused of being unreasonable and taking their light. They say, “You simply don’t understand how important it is that my needs, wishes, desires, and demands come first. You’re being selfish.” Imagine!
They need to be the center of the Universe. Sad, really, that they have such a need and craving for homage and adoration. You can have some compassion for that. But, it doesn’t mean that you condone or enable it, either. Something’s not right.
When your partner is this needy, it’s downright frustrating, annoying, and crazy-making. Drama, drama, drama! And, sometimes, you feel like chopped liver. It’s all give and little get. It’s all out of whack.
So here’s the truth. Partners like this are chronically difficult people who want—and desperately need—to be the center of your life, and everyone else’s. In fact, they absolutely demand that position. They are selfish, self-centered, self-serving, and of course self-absorbed.
In my ebook series, Escaping the Hijackal Trap: The Definitive Guide to Dealing with Chronically Difficult People, I coined the term, “Hijackals.” You know you’re dealing with a Hijackal if s/he falls into my definition. “Hijackals are people who hijack relationships for their own purposes while scavenging them for power, status, and control.” A self-centered, self-serving, and self-absorbed partner certainly will do that … and most of the time, too!
A Hijackal partner is shocked, upset, and unforgiving when not always “Queen or King For a Day,” every day. It’s unbelievable to him or her that you cannot grasp the reality that s/he really is the most important person in the Universe, and especially in your Universe. When you don’t treat him or her accordingly, all hell breaks loose. But you know that already!
If you’re with a partner like this, you’re wise to recognize that you can’t fix your relationship alone. You need help. S/he is more than selfish. When your partner behaves from these seven beliefs, s/he is a Hijackal.
- Life revolves around me, as it should. I am the center of the Universe.
- Empathy? Why would you even think that we share the same feelings when I am so distinctly superior? My feelings are the ones that matter.
- This conversation will get much more interesting if we return to talking about me immediately.
- Nothing is more important than my desires, my thoughts, my interests, my story, my wishes.
- Disagree with me and you’ll wish you hadn’t. I’ll make your life hell.
- If you want me to bother with you, give me attention, approval, and praise.
- It is my right to be overly-critical of you, and somewhat contemptuous because you are breathing my air!
Oh, yes, she can be charming, alluring, and magnetic. He can be amusing, engaging, and promising. But, only as long as the spotlight is shining in their direction. Turn it away or off, and things quickly become churlish, manipulative, and even nasty. They can turn on a dime.
When you recognize that your partner is more than selfish, you acknowledge a bigger issue: you need help to successful navigate through this difficult territory. You want a partnership where there is both reciprocity and mutuality. That’s a difficult equation for a Hijackal. Your best next step is to get Hijackal Help to learn how to express and maintain boundaries and create a healthier relationship, one that is not crazy-making for you!
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More information from Dr. Rhoberta Shaler and a free download of “How To Spot A Hijackal” is available at Hijackals.com.