I identified the Sexual Sirens that are all around me, and saw for the first time how different they were to me, depending on my relationship status.
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At the base of the relationships between men and women, is the animal nature. The physiology and biology that propelled us out of the caves and into the stars is still really about hormones, chemicals in the brain, and our unquenchable desire to further our genetic lines. Even as evolved as we think we are, chemicals like testosterone and dopamine really more of our energy and motivation than we’d like to think.
I’ve been exploring my own fixation on youth and fitness and how that is largely driven by these same procreative, base needs. And how as a somewhat evolved male heterosexual, I have some control over the more ape-like ancestral rushes that occasionally course through me. And today I hit on an example that might clarify a bit more of my own self-examination around these urges vs. what I really want.
Today I was playing tennis with my 11 yo daughter. I have been teaching her how to play. And today on the court I was sitting back and watching her practice serves. On the court next to us was an older woman who, though sightly more robust than my partnering preference, was doing a fine job of beating the pants off her male partner. At this same time, just outside the fence behind my daughter, a young coed, walking her dog, strolled by looking quite fit, but perhaps a bit young to be of interest other than an observation of her beauty.
Every flash of cleavage, every picture on the web, all the titillation around me would give stir to my ape-chemistry and I would derive a little motivational boost.
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Seeing these three women at the same time, I got it in a flash. My animal brain and body was attracted to the coed. My love and parenting body was happily enjoying my daughter’s physical practice. And my mind, unencumbered by sexual fantasy, was also fascinated and interest in the woman playing tennis.
The sirens of sex.
I don’t have to give in to the sexual chemistry. And one thing I know about myself, when I’m getting some of my sexual needs met, my sublimated sexual energy is much less powerful. And I’ve been trying to understand some of this dynamic in myself as I’m trying to imagine and conjure up my next relationship.
Before I was paired up, as a boyfriend or a married man, I was a bit more like a wild animal. Every flash of cleavage, every picture on the web, all the titillation around me would give stir to my ape-chemistry and I would derive a little motivational boost. It wasn’t that I wanted to mate with each of the objects of desire, but there was some shortage in my life, some lack. Perhaps my ape-brain was looking for a mate. My evolved-brain was a bit more capable of parsing out the desire part from the sex part, and I was usually able to leave the potential mate unmolested.
But something cool happened when I got matted up. (And I am certain this is different for each man and woman — as we all have different histories and hoped-for futures.) When I was IN relationship, I no longer scanned the savannah for sex. While I could see an attractive young athlete and say, “Wow.” I no longer had any desire to pursue sex or children or even gawking at her.
That’s how I knew, in my evolved self, the GF#1 was not the IT girl for me. Even as I was in relationship with her, and committed to her, my ape-related drive was not satisfied. Even though I had a relationship with an attractive woman, my chemistry was not settled. I did not feel completed.
I knew when I was married that I was SET. I did not desire another woman, ever. I did not roam or roar for anyone else. But when the sexual connection was severed I roared like a wounded animal and fell into a long period of rebuilding.
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I know that’s a bad metaphor. But something in my DNA likes to be mated. And when it is complete, or solid, I no longer cruise the herd looking for something fresh, new, and young. When I was married, even as things were going south, there was never a moment when I considered pursuing sex with another woman. I simply did not want anything, sexually, other than what I had. So, like an animal, when the sex when south too, I began to express my rage and sadness and loss.
It’s interesting to note, as a creature of chemistry and instinct, we are also driven by motivation, safely, and happiness. But, I am certain that part of my happiness was related to the sex and the chemicals it produced, the safety and trust it expressed, that when lost, I began to wonder for the first time about the viability of my relationship.
I never looked outside the marriage for that connection. And even after divorced I maintained a fairly celibate life as I knew my sexual-brain could get me into a lot of trouble when it was flooded with so much sadness, anger, and appetite.
I had never been adored like I was adored by GF#1. She was fearless, close, and spoke “touch” as her love language as well. I tried to get a clue about my sexual ennui over the three months of our relationship, and in the end agreed to release her back to the wild so she could find the roar for her that was as strong as her roar for me.
Today I connected a tiny bit more of my history and chemistry. And I identified the Sexual Sirens that are all around me, and saw for the first time how different they were to me, depending on my relationship status. If I was mated and getting regular sex. I could care less for their siren song. If I was alone, like a lone lion, I was eager to catch thrill and quick to give chase.
I knew when I was married that I was SET. I did not desire another woman, ever. I did not roam or roar for anyone else. But when the sexual connection was severed I roared like a wounded animal and fell into a long period of rebuilding.
Along those lines, then, my thinking is, when I’m sorting out and evaluating my next relationship, I will listen to the clues in my body and my brain that are either satisfied or hungry to guide a part of my understanding of the animal fit. There’s a lot more to a RELATIONSHIP than fit or chemistry, but boy, when those things go off there’s a lot of roaring to do.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
the story continues…
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image: thigh high, lucy naughton, creative commons usage
The thing I find most odd about all this is that I enjoy a attractive ass or toned chest just as much as any man.
Sure. You too are an animal.
Actually, she’s a human being. Just like you are. We might have things we share in common with animals. But we are not animals. Heck, we have things we share in common with plants. We all breath. That doesn’t mean we are plants.
Feeling guilty about sexual thoughts has never done anyone any good. In a lot of cases, guilt just twists sexuality into some unhealthy shapes. On second thought, guilty feelings about sex do benefit some people, it’s just not the guilty person who benefits. The people who try to make you feel guilty about sex benefit from your guilt. Guilt and shame are powerful motivating forces. They’re manipulated by forces from the left and the right — a pox on both their houses. Only give energy to your guilty feelings if the guilt is part of the arousal. Maybe imagining you’re… Read more »
I am not feeling guilty at all about my ape-brain. I’m able to see my instincts and desire for the young fawn. But I am no longer a young buck and my days of siring are over. My mate will be more like me, a few more miles, a bit more wisdom, and the self confidence of someone who has come to terms with their own sexual nature.
I think you’re beating up your single self unnecessarily. Feeling a sexual attraction is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not a dangerous ape or a siren song, it’s an attraction. If there’s a feeling of joy that comes from feeling attraction to another person, then feel it. Maybe it’s your soul talking. Maybe it’s actually a deep moment instead of a shallow moment. A desire for something and a search for something are not the same thing. One of the problems in relationships is this very thing – people treat a desire or an attraction or even a glance… Read more »
I think looking is fine. The sexual siren can be a great motivation. But she’s not the partner I am looking to be in relationship with.
Ahh! The old, “Men are animals” pilgrimage. Haven’t we moved past this yet?? Murder was part of caveman days too. Is that also part of our true “animal nature”? Would anyone ever write about human history and our caveman days explaining why murder back then was so natural for us in an article about someone being murdered today? Why do men continue to clive to beliefs about themselves that are more “base” then “soul” or “heart”? Why do so many men *want* and *choose* to see their sexuality as a “wild beast”? It’s almost like men believe their sexuality is… Read more »
I don’t just believe that women collectively AREN’T like this either. We’re both the same – men just get shit for their nature.
What annoys me is that whenever someone uses “animal” to refer to men, the word is always used in a negative connotation, when it doesn’t have to be. This is just as unfair to animals as it is to men. Notice how it’s always a narrow range of qualities people associate with animals – stupid, bloody, violent, and single-minded. When people like this author use “ape,” it’s always an ape like King Kong instead of an ape like our bonobo cousins. Why is it so bad to compare ourselves with animals? Animals (especially apes!) are also cuddly, playful, loving, cooperative,… Read more »
Erin, you’re jumping on the bandwagon of misunderstanding. I’m not excusing men for the urges and chemicals, I’m merely recognizing them and making a conscious choice to move on.
John, there is an oppurtunity to engage in a conversation with me, (the other half of the gender you want to bridge the gap with right?), instead choosing to automatically dismiss my point of view. Which is no more a “bandwagon of misunderstanding” than yours is. My opinions, just like yours, are my own and aren’t due to just jumping on a bandwagon for the heck of it. You make comparrisons to animals and yourself throughout the piece. “I roared like a wounded animal…” Why do you even want to see yourself as an animal? I don’t think most women… Read more »
“Meet” I mean.
Here’s the deal.You met someone, get married (or live together) and things are fine until they’re not, and then you get divorced or break up. End of story. It doesn’t matter if you have an ape mind or not.
I think the ape-mind has a ton to do with it. And understanding the difference between the urges and the relationship is critical path for the success of the partnership.
BTW, a relationship is not all about sex. Actually, much less time is relegated to having sex than having a relationship. Off Parent, you need to grow up and put the relationship before the sex and thinking that because the sex wasn’t good enough in the relationship, the relationship was dead. Did you ever consider that the bad sex had nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with you and what you did or didn’t do during the act to satisfy her? Too many men are too selfish and self-absorbed to give much thought to whether or… Read more »
Ann, your attacks at me a pointless. You obviously have not read more of The Off Parent blog or you would see, the thing I am talking about growing beyond is the sex-is-the-goal type of relating. Your example has nothing to do with me and digs into the obvious stereotype of men as “wham-bam-no-scoot-over-I’m-sleepin” partners. If you stay with me, or read a bit deeper you’ll see a fuller picture.
Truly, I don’t know how men accomplish anything in their day to day duties. It must be utterly distracting to be thinking of sex all day long. As a woman, I can admire a good looking man without being sexually aroused, although I can choose to be aroused when looking at a naked man, especially one with an erection. My body doesn’t dictate my arousal at inconvenient times. I’m fully able to squelch such feelings and urges. I understand that men are visual creatures and how men are surrounded by eye candy all day long. What I find rather disgusting… Read more »
Truly, I don’t know how men accomplish anything in their day to day duties. It must be utterly distracting to be thinking of sex all day long. I’ll tell you a secret: It’s not true. Of course it would be utterly distracting, if we really were like that, but we aren’t. As a woman, I can admire a good looking man without being sexually aroused, although I can choose to be aroused when looking at a naked man, especially one with an erection. My body doesn’t dictate my arousal at inconvenient times. I’m fully able to squelch such feelings and… Read more »
Good point – how much of this is just stale, leftover threat narrative?
There are also MGTOWs, or Men Going Their Own Way who don’t chase women or leer after them. We don’t want anything from anyone except to be left alone to live our lives without worrying about what women want or expect. It’s not misogyny, just indifference.
Are you one of them? If that is so, could you answer me something I have been wondering about? I have had a look into MGTOW forums on the past, and what I found puzzled me: I’d expect men who’d relinquished the whole dating business, let it go and float above it. Like monks or Buddhas, in a way. But instead I found them obsessing over it, ranting, venting, harping around on it. Nowhere was more talk about “nice guys” vs. “bad boys”, e.g. Even if it was in the sense of “this is why I don’t do this rat… Read more »
I was responding to Ann’s post that said, “It’s men’s actions that turn women into men haters.” Sorry to tell her that most of us aren’t angry or bitter, just exhausted with the whole charade. Read Men On Strike by Helen Smith if you have the chance. Not being part of a system doesn’t mean you can’t challenge it when necessary. I am a Libertarian because I feel the Democrats and Republicans have both failed this country, and I criticize both of them on a regular basis.
Grunting and ogling women is a sign. Leave the dumb ape and find a more respectful partner.
what?? Dina Strange? Gumbo shrimp?
Women’s sexual desire comes from emotion, not from sexual desire? I freaking LOVE sex. Always have, hope I always do. And, women in their 30’s are looking for a bad boy rebel? Not an actual man?
I do like humans to connect and play with.
Plaaaaaay!!! Love! Laugh at yourselves!
Thank you so much for such honest appraisal of your own emotions, but as a woman that scares me even more. Because lately i am thinking that men and women are not really compatible…
Women fundamentally seek emotions, and their sexual desire comes out of their emotional desire…for men its the opposite. I really have no idea how to reconcile those two or even make them work.
There is no way to reconcile the differences, other than by choosing a more highly evolved male as a mate. We DO exist, we just typically get left behind because most women up to their 30’s are looking for a bad boy rebel, and not the real deal.
I do look for real deal, but how do you tell apart a good guy from a bad. Because bad guys are really good at pretending to be good (in the beginning before you fall for them). That’s the puzzle.
And then women get bitter and consider all men bad.
Yeah, that seems to be a tough one for women. Guys can generally tell the bad one’s from a mile off. Would that we could convey that superpower on all women in need of such. And vice versa of course.
How do you tell? Ask trusted male friends what they think, they can generally get a better idea of who is good n bad (same goes for women judging who better women usually are) since, generally, each gender has different behaviours and people of the same gender will understand them better. It’s why I am a far better judge of character of males than I am of females.
Radical idea here – maybe the trick is…not doing that?
Firstly, it’s not “bad” for a man to be how you describe (emotional desire emerging from sexual desire), nor are you more “highly-evolved” (seriously, lol) if that’s how you operate.
Secondly, not all men will be like that anyway.
The sexual excitement we feel in a new relationship usually subsides as we move along past the honeymoon phase. That’s what I’m thinking these days. Get past the honeymoon phase and see how things map out.
Thank you for this encouraging comment. And yes they do exist, as i have also selected a mate like this for myself and i love him more than my life. The superficial, entitled feeling behavior of alot of women towards these good men is beyond me. Unfortunately, because of them alot of the good guys turn out to be assholes with a bitter attitude towards women, even to the point of misogyny. Places like the manosphere, And websites like Return of kings are good examples. Bieng bitter toward the opposite sex because one too many did you wrong won’t make… Read more »
I’ll believe that man is evolved once men start to seperate their desires from their needs. Once men have the slightest control over their emotions and physical reactions then I’ll believe it.
But since men are still blaming women for their erections instead of testosterone and blood flow, I have little faith.
A decent first step would be for women to give men’s sexual desires the same weight and consideration they give their own emotional desires. Yeah, it’s a generalization. So… some women, some men, can’t generalize, and so on. But, it’s a stereotype that I suspect hits home for many people. It frustrates me to no end to hear about sexual desire being “less evolved” or a misplaced manifestation of some other drive or need. Even this article goes on about evolution and chemicals in a way that I think is not really helpful. Why should we try to escape those… Read more »
Yeah, I get this impression some women act like butter wouldn’t melt with this – I think it’s a lot more common across the board, but it’s only men that get criticised for it.
Good points, but I’m pretty sure my animal self is a lower state of being than my thinking man. Evolved men don’t force the sexual relationship out of hormones or lust, they do it because they are animals. But as animals we have a responsibility to remain conscious and learn to live better lives. This involves recognizing the physical process and moderating it with the mental process.
Men and women are not compatible? Billions of successful relationships precede and disprove your theory.
So you just don’t find men sexual attractive?
You don’t speak for all women. Generalizing based on sex is not productive because these differing relationship/sex drives are person-specific, not sex-specific.