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With the daily reporting of sexual misconduct allegations, I see on social media a building hysteria around what is proper conduct for one person showing interest in another. I have seen memes making jokes about men being reported for seemingly harmless behavior as if the misconduct allegation will lead to a witch hunt for every man who has ever crossed a boundary in an effort to get a woman’s attention.
I wanted to shed some light on what sexual harassment is and isn’t from my perspective. I’m not a lawyer, but I have been privy to sexual harassment investigations through my work in employment. And, I am a woman who has been on the receiving end of sexual harassment.
What is sexual harassment? The EEOC defines it as follows:
It is unlawful to harass a person (an applicant or employee) because of that person’s sex. Harassment can include “sexual harassment” or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.
Harassment does not have to be of a sexual nature, however, and can include offensive remarks about a person’s sex. For example, it is illegal to harass a woman by making offensive comments about women in general.
Both victim and the harasser can be either a woman or a man, and the victim and harasser can be the same sex.
Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).
The harasser can be the victim’s supervisor, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or someone who is not an employee of the employer, such as a client or customer.
If you flirt with a person who hasn’t let you know they are interested, that is not necessarily sexual harassment. But, if they let you know they aren’t interested and, instead of respectfully backing down, you apply more pressure and become more committed to getting your way, then you are crossing boundaries into sexual harassment. If you are making lewd comments towards them when they haven’t shown any interest, you are crossing boundaries.
What is so jarring about receiving a sexual advance in the office or work environment is the recipient of the advance is off guard. In contrast, if I am out at a nightclub, I am prepared to deal with the sexual attention. I can evaluate a person approaching me and decide if I want to reciprocate or not, based on their approach and level of respect.
However, when I am in an office or work environment and doing my job, my expectation is that the person in front of me is evaluating me based on my intelligence, performance and the value I am adding to their business objective. When someone in a business environment makes a comment that is sexual in nature, it feels like there is different air in the room and, suddenly, your guard goes up because you don’t know their intention anymore. You were giving them your professional image and service but they looked past all of it and saw you as a sexual object.
If you add to the equation that the person in front of you may hold the key to your career aspirations in their hand, then you suddenly don’t know the proper way to respond. In a nightclub, you may call out the disrespectful nature of the approach or have a bouncer remove the person without retaliation but, when you are in the presence of someone in authority or someone seen by management as an asset to the business, how you successfully navigate this can be uncomfortable while not sabotaging your career or losing your company an important client.
In my past experience, I found the easiest way to deal with this unwanted advance was to smile as if it was a joke and then try to continue the business conversation. But some interpret that uncomfortable smile as if I appreciate the off-putting remark and persist down the same line of behavior. I have had to say, “This conversation is making me uncomfortable.”
Surprisingly, saying that you are uncomfortable may reduce the pressure that was building like a balloon, but it also changes the temperature of the environment. It can become cold. The engaged person in front of you can become seemingly disinterested in what you have to say or suddenly discount you as someone they don’t want to work with. It is a disorienting, “damned-if-you-do-or-damned-if-you-don’t” moment.
What Isn’t Sexual Misconduct?
USLegal.com defines Sexual Misconduct as follows:
Sexual misconduct encompasses a range of behavior used to obtain sexual gratification against another’s will or at the expense of another. Sexual Misconduct includes sexual harassment, sexual assault, and any conduct of a sexual nature that is without consent, or has the effect of threatening or intimidating the person against whom such conduct is directed.
If you touch a person in a sexual nature when they have not let you know it is welcome, then you are crossing boundaries into sexual misconduct. If you are flirting with someone and they aren’t equally interested, that is not sexual misconduct.
What is Consent?
Consent is the boundary not to be crossed. Consent is when someone agrees, gives permission for the other to proceded by saying “yes” in mutually understandable words or actions. Consent can be rescinded at any time. Just because someone had sex with you in the past, it doesn’t mean you have permission to have sex with them again; you have to gain consent. Silence is not consent; if they appear less than enthusiastic then they haven’t consented to sexual activity or advances.
If you grew up watching movies where the man doggedly pursues the woman, even grabs her and kisses her, and she yields to his advances then falls in love then you may think women find that romantic. But, honestly, even if a woman finds that romantic, it doesn’t mean she finds it romantic from you. This is why consent is important.
People are negotiating consent all day but they don’t realize it because so much of it is non-verbal and automatic. For instance, when I go to get my morning coffee, the barista asks me if I would like room left in my coffee cup for milk. I say yes and they don’t give me all the ounces of coffee that I paid for because I am going to put milk in there. They could assume that I’m going to put milk in there and leave room, but my preference is being asked before they short me on that $3.00 coffee I just purchased. They asked for my consent.
Now, before you say coffee and scoff. A class action lawsuit was brought against a coffee company claiming they were under-filling their Lattes. And, another for putting too much ice in iced lattes.
What one person considers a boundary and what another person considers a boundary is subjective. But, you can’t decide what someone should be comfortable with based on your personal desire or what they have accepted in the past. You can take the extra step and ask them what their expectation of your interaction is and that is consent.
What is Sexual Coercion?
Sexual coercion is defined as the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs or force to have sexual contact against the person’s will and includes persistent attempts to have sex with someone who has already refused.
If you have to convince someone to do what you want, then it is pretty certain that they aren’t interested. If you have to lure them into being around you or using something you found out they want in exchange for their presence and time, then they probably aren’t interested and they are certainly not granting consent. People who are interested in you and your offer will make time for you. If someone is avoiding you or trying not to be alone with you, you do not have consent and are risking coercion.
Coercion doesn’t have to be verbal. It can and is often implied. If a supervisor keeps setting up late night meetings and makes inappropriate comments to a subordinate, they are using coercion tactics if the subordinate can’t opt out of the work meetings without adverse consequences.
If you start using something some needs or wants to barter to be alone with a person in hopes that they will want what you want, then you are on the slippery slope towards sexual coercion.
When in doubt, ask…
If someone wants to willingly spend time with you, enthusiastically is interested in sexual contact with you and responds to your advances, then you have a green light to share a mutual interest, even if it is in an office setting or a subordinate. Anything else is a territory where you need to establish consent.
If you feel like you can’t ask, that may be your answer.
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More related on GMP:
The Startling Truth about Sexual Coercion
Consent is not automatic.
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Phtoo credit: Getty Images