A new vision of 21st century male sexuality.
In a deep meditation, I realized all the ways I had failed as a lover. It had nothing to do with foreplay, orgasms, or premature ejaculation. I had failed in lovemaking because I had taken before giving.
Once again, I’m not talking about taking orgasms before giving orgasms. A better way of putting this is that I put pleasure before healing. In essence, the body is structured to heal before partaking in pleasure, which is why foreplay is so important. But this vision goes beyond foreplay.
All humans come to us with a history. Some have a history of abuse, others a history of violence. This history includes not only a personal history, but also ancestral, cultural, and spiritual histories. Epigenetics is just starting to prove how trauma can be biologically transferred through generations.
In order to truly make love to a person or to connect with them deeply, one has to heal the traumas of the past, so the individual will feel safe in the present moment. This does not mean that you need to have a therapy session before each sexual tryst.
Much of the healing I’m referring to occurs beyond words. Many of us aren’t even aware of the ways in which we might be traumatized both personally and culturally. The first step to healing this trauma is becoming aware of how others are hurt or suffering.
When I think about my past lovers, I can see how they were suffering. Most of the women with whom I shared intimacy were very high functioning, but I can see how specific sexual events could trigger past trauma. For example, on the numerous times I had an orgasm without my partner having an orgasm, my partners’ reactions varied. One of my college girlfriends yelled at me when I came before her.
One of my lovers often told me that she didn’t think she would be able to orgasm, but she wanted me to orgasm, so without a thought, I would orgasm. I started noticing that whenever this happened, she would be withdrawn or moody afterwards, often for days.
Both these examples reveal how my lovers might have been taken advantage of in the past and any selfish behavior on my part would trigger that trauma.
After we are aware of the trauma, the next step is to start the healing process. One of the ways that I have found effective with trauma in lovemaking is the same technique Mother Teresa used to heal lepers in Calcutta—give, give, give.
It occurred to me that whenever I take orgasm or take advantage of another sexually, I’m actually re-traumatizing my lover. If she has a history of being taken advantage of, then I need to offer her a different reality until she feels safe. I need to give love, give foreplay, give tenderness, give patience, give orgasms, without taking.
This may mean that I don’t come for a very long time—days, months, years. Sounds like hell, I know, but it is actually the path to heaven. The research is clear: when we give without expecting returns we become happier, healthier, and more connected with others.
We often believe that what we really want in life is a good orgasm, but many of us have had amazing orgasms with beautiful, sexy lovers, but we are still unhappy or unsatisfied. What we are really looking for is a deeper connection with others. By giving unconditionally to our lovers, we are not only healing their past trauma, but also deepening into a relationship that can only be described as spiritual.
Let’s be clear, just because you are only giving, does not mean that you don’t experience a tremendous amount of pleasure. The best way I can explain this is to talk about the penis. I used to think of the penis as a joy stick that when handled correctly or placed into the proper container would stimulate my body to release a flood of pleasure called orgasm.
I now see my penis as a “light wand” that has the ability to bring healing, nurturing light into the darkest of places. I am a servant to this light. When I take an orgasm, the light goes out. Of course, the light is not just in my penis; it radiates from my eyes, fingers, voice, and words. Sex is just one of the manifestations of this light.
The amazing thing is that the more I spread this light the deeper I’m healed; the safer I feel; the more love I experience; and the more joy I sense in every moment. For me, this experience of spreading light far outweighs any transient experience of orgasm. It is the difference between orgasm and rapture. Orgasm lasts a few seconds and leaves us drained. Rapture can be an endless pleasure that enlivens our very being.
The depth of healing and pleasure available in this practice is immeasurable. It is a new vision of sexuality and human relations that our world is desperately calling for.