“I went to Planned Parenthood and got tested today. I haven’t been tested in over a year because of COVID, but usually I get tested every three months,” the guy I just started seeing said.
“Tested every three months? Well, how much sex are you having?” I questioned him.
He accused me of being judgemental and quipped he didn’t equate sex with morality.
Though I was glad he was responsible — getting tested in between sexual partners is something I admire and do so myself— but it was a question I had to ask.
After our weekend together, he made it very clear he was OK with having sex without a condom — he first claimed he didn’t bring any only to miraculously find them the next morning after I said no — and to have sex without a condom without having a conversation about testing and safer sex with me beforehand.
I found it troubling. If he was trying to have sex with me without a condom, then it stood to reason he was having sex with other women without a condom.
So if he hadn’t been tested for STIs in over a year, seems to have sex without a condom, and has frequent sex partners, then sex with him seemed risky to me.
In my mind, I was thinking maybe I was right for not having sex with him over the weekend.
“One is not good for not having sex, and one is not bad for having sex,” he said.
Then he described me as sexually repressed.
Not maliciously or condescendingly, but he still meant it. I made a mental note that it seemed like those questions were questions he didn’t feel quite comfortable answering.
He was open about everything else — his misspent youth, divorce, infertility — but responses to sex questions were left vague.
Was I judging him? Was I sexually repressed?
Though I was sure the accusation of being judgemental was one made to excuse himself from answering the question and an attempt at making me feel bad for asking questions to ensure my health which was based on his behavior— I took a mental note of this behavioral trait, another red flag I didn’t think would reveal itself so soon — I thought those questions were worth reflecting on.
Sexually Repressed or Sexually Disciplined?
For the next day or so, I thought deeply on those two questions and added a few more to my overactive brain:
I recounted memories from sex ed in high school: “The only way to prevent STIs and pregnancy 100% is through abstinence but if you decide to have sex use a condom and get tested after each sexual partner;” in church, which was a mixture of abstinence teaching and warnings that sex leads to soul ties that may prevent you from connecting deeply with your future spouse, that sex before marriage may lead to STIs that will not only affect you but your future spouse, that those STIs were often symptomless and/or may arise when you least expect them to emerge (like during pregnancy), and then sex education from my mom which included but was not limited to, “if you decide to have sex always use a condom, so you don’t get pregnant.”
No, they always described it as being fun, hot, fulfilling, and pleasing.
Did I want to have sex? Tons of it, every day, all day, [insert naughty things that I don’t want to say because I am a teacher and some of my students may eventually find this or my parents or someone else I wouldn’t want to read here].
I was taught that with sex comes great responsibility, and when both partners act responsibly, you have great sex.
I had often felt misunderstood when it came to sex.
After all this reflecting, I concluded, no, I wasn’t judging him; I needed to know where I fit in all of the sex he was having.
A Close Call
I was certainly happy I took the time to ask questions and protect my health because he called a few days later to tell me he had tested positive for genital herpes.
Having sex with him without a condom and without him being on anti-viral medication would not have fared well for me. I am so glad I took the time to protect myself even after the pressure and the gaslighting used to induce shame for being cautious.
I would rather have avoided this experience entirely, but what the ordeal required me to do was reflect on where my ideas of sex and intimacy come from to understand myself better and to understand better what I need from a partner.
I hope you do the same.
Getting Started: The Assignment
A Sexual Education Reflection Assignment
In a notebook, answer the following questions:
- Where do your earliest memories about sex come from?
- What did you learn about sex in school? Church? Friends?
- Take five minutes to write about those specific memories
- How are those experiences shaping or not shaping your present ideas about sex?
- What do you think about sex in general?
- What do you think about having sex?
- How do you feel when you have sex?
If you have a partner, ask your partner the questions above.
- Do you feel like your ideas about sex are similar or different from your partner’s ideas of sex?
- How does this information help you to understand your partner better?
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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