Shall I admit publicly that I have never been in love? As I write these words today, I can almost hear the gasps of disbelief from those who have known me my entire life. But before I talk about my love, please answer — does anyone ever fully know any person? I guess not. Right?
Throughout my life, I have been blessed with several amazing partners. Each of them came to my life like a blessing and for a reason. I don’t think I ever dated anyone and didn’t learn anything from them. Each of them has touched my life in unique and profound ways, and I will always be grateful to them! Always.
One partner taught me the importance of honesty.
The other taught me how to actually turn writing into a full-time career [thank you so much!];
Another person taught me that there are going to be days when people are going to dominate you, but if you stay true to yourself, then things will surely work out.
One girl even taught me how to make money only [thank you for pushing me to invest the money at that early age].
See, everyone taught me something and I learned so much from these beautiful human connections that I made over the years.
Even now, I maintain contact with a few of my former partners, while others have faded into the fog of forgotten memories. But regardless of the length or depth of those relationships, one thing remains unchanged —
I have never known the kind of love that transcends space and time.
But before you go and judge me and tell me that you are obnoxious or demanding too much, then let me be very clear here —
I am someone who has been writing about love since my school days. I have written hundreds of poems, prose, and short stories only on the longing for love. I understand the feelings, emotions, and everything that comes in between — but when it comes to experiencing it first-hand, sadly, I haven’t.
To say that I have never been in love feels like admitting a failure, not just to myself but to those who have loved me in the last few years. When I watch someone confessing their love for me or their innermost desires, I ask myself:
How can one go through life, experience the highs and lows of relationships, and yet remain untouched by love?
This and other related questions have always haunted me, and for the love that is true to me, I have no answer for it.
But let me address one thing here:
I understand the feeling of love because of my dogs, Caesar and Joey. With them, I’ve experienced something pure and unconditional, something that goes beyond any materialistic thing. Their love for me and my response to their wagging tails is boundless and without any judgment.
The love between the three of us is simply as it is!
So, I understand what love is and what it can be. I have seen a glimpse of it when I hug them or take care of them when they fall sick or when they come to me when I am crying and start licking my face to whip away all the tears and worries. I have tasted the true power of love with them.
This… this is what goes beyond space and time, something eternal and divine.
Yet, when it comes to my relationships with people, I’ve never felt that way. Yes, there are days when I miss my former partners who left me. Yes, like a normal kid, I have also shed tears during breakups and even pondered over what went wrong.
I have questioned why I lost them or why we parted ways. I have wondered how we could have saved that relationship. I think, eventually, they saw beneath my skin and realized that I was too distant even when I was there with them.
I’ve heard countless stories about love from friends and acquaintances. They speak of how they cannot live without the others. Over the years, I have seen real-life stories of a few couples who stayed together happily for decades and even wanted more time with one another.
I have seen and sometimes imagined a summer evening that evoked the memories of a lost love or how the first monsoon rain can bring back the nostalgia of those very first kisses. I have listened to those stories with a sense of alienation because I have never experienced any of it.
When it comes to women, I have often felt intense physical attraction, followed by a longing for companionship and an ardent desire to connect on a deeper level. I can talk with them for hours and hours about science, life, philosophy, history, politics, and nightmares—I can understand their love for me—but there’s a void in me that I can’t quite fill.
And perhaps that’s the most telling part: love, true love, should make you feel whole, not incomplete.
I’ve come to understand that love should make you stronger. It should set you free, not bind you in any emotional or physical chains. Love should empower you, not weaken your spirits. But despite understanding these things intellectually, I’ve never felt them in my heart. I feel emotions — yes, I do. I feel hurt, happiness, and even sadness under gray skies. But when it comes to love, there’s a void, a black hole that I don’t really fully understand.
Every woman I’ve ever dated would have married me if I had asked them to. They saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself. They saw potential, a future, a partner. But I could never reciprocate those feelings because I didn’t know what love was. Sadly, I still don’t.
If you ever happen to read my recent short stories or a novel that I hope to start writing soon, you will find that they are filled with passion, desire, longing, and sometimes even pain. But love? Haha… it is conspicuously absent… like a character that was written out of the script before the story even began!
For now, I am just a lonely person who understands love but does not know how to be in love. I think that’s a sad… sad… sad… reality of my life.
V.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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