She Thought She Was in Love but It Was Limerence

Ever fall in love at first sight? It’s great when the one you love feels the same way. But sometimes they don’t. Sometimes love is a chronic state of misery, where one person loves the other so much more.

Or maybe they don’t really love them. Maybe it’s limerence.

Gina* (not her real name) had a tough childhood. Her father died when she was a little girl. She was molested by an adult, who was a family friend. Her mother was hard on her. She wasn’t the favorite child and spent much of her time alone in her room reading books.

Gina suffered from CPTSD. She grew up in a constant state of rejection by most people in her life. She had flashbacks to a miserable childhood. She never felt loved growing up.

Yet, Gina believed all those stories about someday falling in love and getting married and living happily ever after. Her prince would come and rescue her, and everything would be alright.

She married young, to a man who was an alcoholic. She fell head over heels for him, but she never really knew him. He wasn’t around most of the time, and she felt more rejection. He would berate her, call her hurtful names, and never took her out.

She felt ignored and unloved. By the time the marriage ended, her self-esteem was in the toilet.

Gina’s journey into limerence

Then she met a man who she thought was the love of her life. He was handsome, and charismatic and showered her with attention. Yet she was so broken she didn’t realize he was a narcissist. He was only with her so she could help him out when needed. He had no genuine interest in her.

Gina was obsessed with romance. She put him up on a pedestal. He could do no wrong. And the more he pulled away, the more she wanted him. He became everything to her.

At first, she started to notice something was wrong when she realized she couldn’t drive past his street without looking to see if he was home. She dreamed about him day and night.

She couldn’t stop thinking about him. Every love song reminded her of him. If he’d tell her something, she would search for hidden proof that he truly loved her in everything she said. She was always searching for his validation.

She kept thinking if she looked good enough, and did everything for him he’d finally feel the same way about her.

Gina was so obsessed with him, that she neglected other good people in her life.

Then he started pointing out her flaws and getting cold with her. She started thinking life wasn’t worth living without him. Her life became a clichè, one of those unrequited love songs.

Gina suffered from limerence

Gina had a problem. She was experiencing limerence.

Limerence is when you have an obsessive love for someone. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term in the early 1970s. It was mentioned in Judith Herman’s book “Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence.” While most people feel euphoric at the beginning of a relationship, a person with limerence continues to experience that feeling, that can last decades.

Limerence occurs in 5% of the population, affecting women and men too. It is similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder, and more research needs to be done on it. Some believe that people with low serotonin are more apt to experience limerence. Dopamine plays a role in it.

When suffering from limerence, people will ruminate and obsess about a person all day long. They will stare at their photos and mention the person in every conversation.

It’s a crazy love, an all-consuming love that causes misery when unrequited. You’re not so much in love with the real person as you are with the fantasy you’ve created about them. You tend to ignore their flaws and focus on the romance you’ve created about them.

Limerence is almost like a drug, where it keeps a person in a constant state of euphoria, focusing on the person they are obsessed with. It’s similar to Obsessive Love Disorder.

People with CPTSD often suffer from limerence

Gina suffered from CPTSD. It is a condition where people experience long-term or chronic suffering from trauma in their childhood or life. CPTSD causes people to feel guilty and filled with shame. They feel like they’re not like other people. They will grow up distrusting people, and feeling like they can’t be intimate with someone.

This is a recipe to develop limerence in their life.

A case conceptualization that was adapted from Beck in a case study by Brandy E. Wyant, MPW, MSW, LSW, showed that many people with limerence have core beliefs such as “I am not good enough” and “I’m vulnerable if I lose control.” They believe their needs will never be met in a relationship, so they avoid intimacy.

Limerence is the fantasy relationship, the romantic comedy relationship where love is perfect and everyone has a happy ending. It is the way to avoid intimacy because with limerence their love is based on a fantasy and not reality.

Limerence is featured in countless love songs, where people fantasize about the perfect love and put the object of their affections up on a pedestal. This is an unrealistic love — pure fantasy.

People who suffer from limerence often never have a happy ending. Like Gina, they waste their lives focusing all their love and energy on a dream that never manifests into reality.

If you see signs of limerence in yourself

If you think you may be suffering from limerence, seek help. Doctors have medications that can help you. Some take anti-depressants to help. There has been some success with cognitive-behavioral techniques.

Although if you see signs of it in yourself, you can work on your issues, and make a conscious decision not to let yourself turn a potential love into a fantasy.

Don’t end up like Gina, who spent most of her most productive years living in a fantasy. It was a fantasy that turned many years of her life into a sorrowful world where she never found real love.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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