She Was Never Really THAT Into You…

“The only thing that I know is that I know nothing” — Socrates

I don’t know a lot when it comes to life.

No matter how much I consume, no matter how many books I read, I still feel like I don’t know shit, the only thing I can predict are some human behaviors and idiosyncrasies.

I know people like the back of my hand cause when you strip us all down, we’re all the same; we all prescribe to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The more people you interact with, the more you learn we’re all very, very similar. No matter how different our paths may look, we’re all walking toward the same invisible destination — validation, meaning, and the warmth of knowing we belong.

When it comes to TV shows, movies, documentaries, reality shows, the news, and meeting people IRL, I know people. I can usually wager a good guess as to how things will end and where things will go, what decisions they might make, and who will “choose who”, and I like to think I am pretty intuitive with the human mind.

Unfortunately, a lot of this has come from being rejected, and I mean really, really putting myself out there and getting turned down, learning human nature, watching more attractive men and their success, losing friends, family disagreements, a 2-year service mission, lots of traveling, and a lot of hardships in life which is something I’m sure we all have in common. Any man will never truly know people until he’s lost some, fought for others, and learned when to walk away from the rest.

Because of this, particularly with dating, I’m able to help a lot of friends and clients with dating advice, and sometimes I just keep my mouth shut cause they have to learn themselves a lot of the time; some truths can only be understood when felt, not told. Sorry, mate.

I always say I’m the most qualified because I failed my way to success and had to hit the pinnacle of real bitter rejection until I found my stride and ended up with the woman of my dreams. Any dating coach who sails through life and tells you how easy things are with dating is not only a barefaced liar, but they’re a completely deluded two-faced grifter who just wants to make a quick buck off of you. The best people at anything in life got there through failing.

A lot.

A man who has never been humbled by failure has never earned the wisdom to guide another. Most people fail to tell you that every champion was once a fool who refused to stay one.

That was me, a fool with rose-tinted glasses putting average women on a pedestal.

My friend Josh Was Much Worse Than Me!

About four years ago, one of my very close friends, Josh, got into a relationship with a girl. She was stunning; I even joked with her that she was too good for him over FaceTime with the two of them. Why was it Facetime?

Cause they were doing long distance. She was in NYC, and we were in Utah.

One day, she came with some friends to Salt Lake City, and they rented out a pretty cool house. Josh and I picked them up in his SUV, and there were 4 of them, including his “kind of girlfriend,” Chelsee. I wanted to come with him to pick them up cause I kind of wanted to flirt with Chelsee’s friends and see if one of them was interested in a bit of British charm. In addition to that, I got a hot tip from Chelsee that one of her friends saw me in Josh’s IG story and thought I was cute, so I wanted to meet her and flirt to my heart’s content.

When we picked them up, I was immediately not impressed with Chelsee. There was an air of entitlement to her. For example, when all the girls got in the SUV, all of them except her offered to pay Josh for picking them up; of course, he declined, and rightly so; he was giving a nice gesture to them as a thank you for traveling all the way to Utah.

We had a pretty great time, actually, when they were here. I ended up hanging out and hitting it off with another one of her friends (Tory), and we got wonderfully tipsy for the four days they were there. Chelsee and Josh were a little off. He was doing all these kind, nice, and thoughtful gestures for her, and she just kind of accepted them. I could tell she was the receiver and he was the giver. Watching Josh spoil Chelsee was like watching a knight polish a sword he’d never get to swing — just shining it up for the next guy to take into battle. (I could have gone a lot dirtier, trust me!)

That is not a good sign.

I’ve spoken about this many times, and I’ll keep lamenting about it. Reciprocity is key. I knew right then and there that it was effectively over. A relationship without balance is just slow-motion heartbreak — one side pulling, the other just letting go; it’s so sad to see this materialize with a friend of yours.

Sure enough, they broke up on the last night she was here. I can never know for sure, but I think that was by design by her. He took it on the chin, and we dropped them off on good terms.

Her biggest issue was that Josh hardly communicated and did not Facetime enough. I found this hard to believe, as when the guys were usually all out, Josh would always be texting her. I just think she was looking for a way out.

About two weeks later, Josh asked me to come to NYC with him…

Josh: Yooooo

Me: What’s up, big dawg

Josh: Let’s go to NYC, see the Knicks!

Me: To see them lose?

Josh: Nah, man, let’s just go!

Me: Ohhhhhh, heh heh.

Josh: What!?

Me: C’mon, man.

Josh: What, dude!?

Me: You want to see Chelsee!

Josh: Yeah, guess we could stop by…

Eventually, he revealed he wanted to surprise her at a nonprofit launch party Tory was hosting. Tory and I knew what it was, so we were just having fun; it was the perfect scenario for me to come along.

1 Week Later

We showed up one day early and did some tourist BS with two of our other friends. Then, on Saturday, we show up at Tory’s launch party.

Chelsee was not amused. She’s upset that he just showed up and didn’t like the romantic gesture. Of course, I knew this would happen and told him. But sometimes, those who can’t hear will have to feel.

It turns out as he declared to her that he’d be better at communication and give her more of his time, and he wanted to make it work. She then pulled a few other excuses out of her ass as to why it wouldn’t work.

So, what’s the moral of this story?

She was never really that into him. And he could have found out if he had watched out and paid special attention to these four things!

Reciprocity is №1

When someone is truly for you, and I mean really for you. For the most part, they will try and match your effort and energy. I have always used that as a barometer to measure someone’s success, and it’s never ever failed. Please trust me when I tell you that people don’t forget to show up for what matters to them. If they’re absent, take the hint.

Josh always seemed to be doing so much, and she was a taker. Men fall for this a lot because we fall for the woman’s beauty because very attractive women are rare. Some men latch on to one lady, and no matter how badly she treats him, he’s all in. This is “sucker shit,” and the women who play these games know it. A real connection isn’t built on words — it’s built on mirrored effort cause if you have to convince them to care, they never did.

2. It’s over

Once someone dumps you, it’s over, and in particular, in my experience, if a woman dumps you, it’s usually because she’s thought about it way before she actually does it. When someone dumps you, you have to learn to move on. That’s like getting cut from the team before tryouts and still showing up to practice — my guy, they don’t want you in the fucking jersey. Josh mourned the moment she left, but she grieved the relationship while he still believed in it.

Chasing someone who’s already gone is like arguing with an echo — you only hear yourself losing. Fellas, we must be wiser.

3. No excuses

The people who truly want to be with you will never make excuses as to why they shouldn’t be with you. They’ll make excuses as to why they should. I’ve seen this time and time again, the right woman will consistently bend time to be with you; the wrong one will blame time to avoid you.

4. You’re great, man!

I mean that you’re bloody brilliant. The woman you’re supposed to be with should empower you, build you up, and allow you to feel wanted, valued, and needed. Always have high self-esteem and build on your self-worth. Always trust in what women do, rarely what they say. Talk is cheap as hell. The right woman won’t make you question your value — she’ll remind you why you never should have.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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