Brandy Williams reminds us to choose our words with care when speaking to our sons.
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I combed the Internet. I searched using several, different search engines. I was surprised by what I didn’t see. Given the fact that so many families are single- parent led, and that for a vast number of them, mothers are raising sons, why is there little to no advice about how to lead boys in a good direction? Please, do not misunderstand me. I am in no way claiming that I can raise a man…alone. Rather, I am asserting that as a mother, there are still some things that I find important enough to teach to my little man. More so, as a mother of a Black man, it is my duty and honor to prepare him for the world, as best I can.
Will I understand his every waking trial? Absolutely not! Will I be able to answer the tough questions for him? Maybe so. However, I owe it to my guy, to try. I also owe it to him to set him up on a good path, even if just from a woman’s perspective. That being the case, here are some things that this mother will never say to her son….
1. Be A Man!
Let me be 100 percent frank; I don’t know what the hell being a man is about! Honestly, I will never understand how to be a man. Therefore, how dare I question or cause my son to question his own manhood? Who am I to belittle and demolish a burgeoning sense of self- worth. After all, I am the person raising him, so if I am questioning his manhood, I should really be questioning myself. There is nothing more deplorable than emasculating someone, especially someone that you are charged with raising and caring for. Further, and this is often a topic of conversation but, it is hard for a man of color. The world owes no one anything, however, the world can be an especially critical place for Black males. It is not only unfair, but despicable to take away the safe haven that a son has with his mother, by treating that boy as he will be treated by the cold- hearted and cruel society.
2. You are Worthless!
This seems like a no brainer, but I contend that I have heard this phrase uttered no less than 10 times, in the last week alone. In fact, it was this phrase that caused me to write this piece. It is wrong, on so many levels, to tell anyone they have no worth. I cannot put into words the struggle I feel within my soul, each time I hear someone say this hateful phrase. I literally want to throat punch people! First and foremost, if you are considering the worth of someone else so callously, it is probably because you have diminished your own worth. As a mother, my job is to build my son up. My job is to help in molding him into a productive, powerful and effective citizen. I cannot do that if I am squashing his dreams and identity due to my own misfortunes or anger. I cannot give the world my only son, when he is a broken, fraction of the man I produced due to my own words. It is maleficent and counter- productive.
3. You are just like your father!
On the surface, these words may not be so bad. After all, if daddy is a great person, why not hold my son to those standards? However, holding my son to the exact ideals and responsibilities of his dad, only makes my son a cloned copy. While his dad is an amazingly talented and gifted man, my son is, and should be, HIS OWN MAN. Think of it this way, as a mother, I would hate for anyone else to be my barometer of greatness. If I were constantly held to the standards of my mother, when would I be recognized for my own greatness? My own self? The ideal of raising children is that we give them enough knowledge to be successful in the world. As parents, and more so a mother, the job is to help create the best person possible. This doesn’t mean turn my son into someone else. This also doesn’t mean, regardless to the beauty that may have been meant by the statement, I likened my son to nothing more than his dad’s abilities and identity. It is my hope that my son becomes the man his dad is, AND far more.
Then too, and be honest, for some mothers, there is no joy meant in that statement. If the latter is true, please understand one thing. As you struggle to break your son of whatever bad decision or trait you see him emulating in his father, you also break your son with your words. He hears how little you think of his father. When you liken you child to the man you despise, you also tell your son that you despise him. How can he be any better than what you have told him is horrible, if you only show him horrible examples?
I cannot tell anyone how to raise their own child. But, I sincerely hope that I can get you to think about your words, before they become unintended choices and consequences. A son is a beautiful gift and I am blessed beyond measure for having one. But, as with any great gift, comes an even greater responsibility. As I seek to fulfill my duties as a mom, I will always remember these words and hold them in the forefront of my thoughts. Will you do the same?
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Photo: Flickr/Katie Tegtmeyer
Thanks Jonathan! You are correct. I have been growing and learning while trying to raise my son with my hubby. I grew up in an all girl house. Thus, I am totally out of my element in raising a boy. What I have learned, therefore, I want to share.
Your article is full of such great advice. I totally agree with what you say about telling sons to ‘be a man’. I think that implicitly telling them not to express emotions and talk about worries is probably the sort of thing that does more harm than good.
Thanks Brandy, It’s great to hear this from a Woman! Especially the ‘Be a Man’ part. I do a lot of work with Men in both groups and privately, and it’s amazing how often men have been told this, and how old some men are who still haven’t been able to step into owning being a man. I’ve had an article on my mind around just this for my own website, I might have to knuckle down and write it!. And re the ‘just like your father’ bit, I’d never thought of that, thank you. In my experience 80% of… Read more »
Thank you, Mr. Osborne! I sincerely appreciate your kind words and reflection. Please tag me and let me know you write that article on your blog.
nice article Brandy. fact is, there is no answer or rather definition of “being a man”. there is one of being a decent human being, and both men and women are invited to join that club. a real man is educated, uses kindness and grace first, not his anger or fists. he treats others as he wishes to be treated. he does what he wants unless it hurts others and then has the discipline to NOT do what he want no matter what media tells you, as a woman, as to what it means to be a manat least one… Read more »
Thank you, and you are correct. I bought this issue up for those very reasons.
Great points, I draw my hat for you (it is NOT a Fedora, teehee).
I would like to add a fourth one, however:
Make sure that when you tell him to take care not to hurt girls (in particular sexually) make sure you spend at least the same amount of time telling him that his male gender and sexuality is good, moral, not dirty and nothing to be ashamed of. Also tell him how to take care that HE is not being hurt (by girls and others).
As a mother of an adult son and daughter, I really rejoiced in what you said here. It is good to be reminded of our parental duties in a deeper way. I agree with Theorema’s comment (above) about girls, but I believe that a son raised with the integrity you display, would have no need to have that spelled out for him.
Thanks for the advice! I appreciate your comments and kind words.
“You are just like your father!” Obviously, if a mom is saying this to a child where the dad is abusive, it’s an insult. But when it’s put into context where the dad is a positive role model, why not say it? 38 years after my dad’s been gone, I hope I’m just like him. In fact through the years of my adulthood, my mom would say those very words and I couldn’t have had a better compliment. And BTW, those words are not exclusive to male children but females as well. My wife has said those words to my… Read more »
I have gotten a lot of questions about the ‘Like your father’ comment. It comes down to this for me….I don’t want my son mixing his identity. His dad is an amazing role model. His dad is an amazing man. However, the constant comparison to someone else only relegates my son to a secondary role. I want more for him. His dad has agreed with this statement as well. In fact, it was him who suggested I include that one.
I can understand what you’re saying but the compliment as I see it would be a situation where whatever the child is doing is reflective of a positive behavior/attitude. My dad was blue collar worker where as I became a corporate drone. But it was his belief system that I mirrored. I can also see how using the term, even as a positive, can perhaps become stressful for the child as well in that it could box him in. The dad who holds a powerful corporate job, a professional like a doctor could feel obligated to follow in his footsteps… Read more »
Very nice article; your son is lucky to have such a conscientious mother. I was especially drawn to your first thing to never say: “be a man!” I’ve always found it to be a little presumptuous when a woman says that to a man, let alone a boy. It feels like someone belittling you for something they can’t be themselves, and blaming you for not living up to pressures they haven’t felt. I guess it would be like me saying, “childbirth isn’t that painful: stop whining, be a woman!”
Thank you and yes, your ‘Stop whining’ comment fits perfectly. It even gave me a chuckle.
Dear Brandy, I just read your post…found it on Facebook. I am so encouraged by your wisdom to reach out to mothers of sons, to encourage them to raise their sons well. I hope you will find my national initiative,The America’s Angel Campaign, aligned with your vision to make a real difference in our world. I have, also, just published my book based on 13 years of research on the psychology of relationships and intimacy. Included is the reality of male vulnerability, emotionally and biologically, to the quality of mother / son bonding in preparation for them to embrace emotional… Read more »
Ms. Rose:
I would be honored to reach out and speak with you about your book, campaign and life in general.