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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
Question Your Instincts: Finding Better Responses
Instincts can lead us astray in challenging moments, causing us to react in ways that worsen situations. For instance, when someone upsets you in an argument, does your ego take over, leading to regrettable words?
In our new book, Audrey and I delve into the concept of questioning our instincts, challenging the notion that instinct alone is always reliable. Audrey initially struggled with this idea, reflecting common beliefs that urge us to trust our gut without question.
If you’ve pre-ordered our book, “Love Life,” you’re in for a treat. Each purchase comes with a ticket to our “Find Your Person” event on May 4th. Plus, every registered purchase enters you into a giveaway for exciting prizes like tickets to our live Retreat and exclusive merchandise.
The Danger of Instincts in Relationships
Often, our instincts can lead us to make poor decisions in relationships. For example, when faced with uncertainty or fear, do you find yourself freezing or lashing out? These responses, though instinctive, may not serve our best interests.
Consider the case of someone dating a new partner who didn’t invite them to a casual gathering. Instead of discussing it, the person assumed rejection and pushed their partner away preemptively, showcasing how instinctive reactions can sabotage potential connections.
1. Doubling Down on Affection: When someone withdraws, our instinct may push us to overwhelm them with attention, inadvertently lowering our perceived value.
2. Mirroring Disinterest: Conversely, mirroring someone’s lack of investment (e.g., delayed responses or casual communication) can inadvertently endorse this behavior, setting a low standard for our own expectations.
It’s crucial to recognize when our instincts lead us astray, especially in relationships. By questioning our automatic reactions and considering more thoughtful responses, we can cultivate healthier interactions and avoid unnecessary pitfalls.
By examining and challenging our instincts, we empower ourselves to navigate relationships with greater awareness and intention.
When navigating relationships, it’s common to grapple with conflicting instincts. One instinct is to avoid showing too much intentionality to protect oneself from potential embarrassment or rejection. However, mirroring others instead of modeling your own desired relationship culture can hinder authenticity.
Embracing Proactive Communication
It’s empowering to realize that you can model the kind of communication you seek in return from a partner. However, if someone can’t reciprocate or meet your communication standards, resisting the urge to hold on out of hope or attachment becomes crucial.
One of the most challenging instincts to overcome is the tendency to lower one’s standards or hold onto a relationship that doesn’t align with your desired relationship culture. It’s important to recognize when a relationship isn’t meeting your needs and have the courage to end it gracefully, even without definitive closure from the other person.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, some may shut themselves off from dating altogether, fearing rejection or disappointment. This defensive instinct can prevent genuine connections from forming and needs to be balanced to avoid becoming overly jaded or negative.
Calibrating your instincts involves recognizing which survival strategies served you in the past but may no longer be beneficial. It’s about learning to trust appropriately and finding a balance between vulnerability and self-protection. It’s okay to stumble or overcorrect when adjusting your instincts—it’s part of the learning process.
For those looking to actively change their dating instincts, the chapters “Question Your Instincts” and “How to Rewire Your Brain” in the book offer practical guidance. These chapters detail actionable steps to cultivate healthier dating behaviors that promote joy, peace, and fulfillment in relationships.
Awareness and consciousness about our instincts and behaviors are crucial first steps toward meaningful change in our dating lives. By understanding the motivations behind our actions, we can gradually pivot towards more fulfilling relationship dynamics over time.
This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity and flow, while preserving the essence of the original conversation.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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