If you ask me what my biggest relationship mistake is, I will tell you it wasn’t just enabling my own abuse. It was, going into a business relationship with a romantic partner — where I took their word for it, rather than have a signed agreement that protected me.
My closest and dearest told me the same thing:
People change. ‘We are not saying this because something will go wrong in your relationship, but because you just never know”.
I thought I did know. I thought the stories about someone who loved another passionately and who ends up being their worst nightmare, happened only in the movies. Surely, it could not happen to me.
We built a business from the ground up. I was late to bed, early to rise, out on the streets, networking, working my butt off, and bringing in business and money. It was scary and tiring but rewarding. Within a year, I needed to take up customer service — we were growing.
We traveled to Europe and some parts of Asia and life was good. All those who thought I did not know what I was doing when I signed away all the rights to my partner as owner, were all wrong. They should see me now, I was living.
Except I wasn’t. Life was about to hit me in the face more brutally than any quicksand because while I was thinking in terms of “we”, my partner had already taken up with a younger worker and soon, I found out there really was no ‘I’ in team.
I have written much about the abuse that I experienced but have you ever had to sit in the shame of people’s “I told you so?” in a matter as critical as your finances?
I did not just get abused by the man I loved more than anything in the world, I had to put up with the abuse longer because if you think an abuser who holds all the cards over you will let you go without making sure you are thoroughly humiliated and shamed, you should think again.
I went from knowing the inner workings of my business, getting financial breakdowns, and boss status to — nothing.
Chances are that you will live happily ever after. Chances also are that you will watch your younger employee spend your money like there is no tomorrow, under the charmed adoring gaze of the man you love. For icing on top, they might also leave you with zero savings.
How does the world turn upside down? It might be quick — if you do not have a lot of assets tied together or slowly if you do.
In my case, the turn was both quick and slow as I begged and scraped for everything I could, to survive while having my nose rubbed in the oil of — you are nothing. You will regret speaking up and leaving even though I feel not a single remorse for anything I did to you.
For many people, a prenup should not be necessary because “we love one another”. For some others, they are banking on the courts to have their back.
But life doesn’t happen in a straight line — sicknesses arise and people suddenly find out they cannot do in sickness and in health. People lose their jobs or lose their breadwinner status. People choose to pursue their bliss and mooch off on their partner. You even have partners that ghost their families. (Un)expected inheritances happen, and sometimes, people sign up someone else on their insurance.
My suggestion is — prenups are more important than the wedding ceremony itself. Bring it up, follow through, and sign it even if you have the least to gain. Life is never static.
I will not be making the mistake of signing away my hard work because of the bullshit of “what is mine is yours”. You forget that many people are selfish and to them, “what is mine is mine and what is yours is also mine” is the balance.
I chuck down my mistake to the stupidity of young love. And no, I am not being mean to anyone new or old. It will be a disgrace if I did not learn the first time.
Prenups are not to get anyone out of their responsibility. Prenups aren’t to suggest that you are to have a single or a joint account. Prenups are to protect your assets- present and future. I don’t know about you but, I like that very much. I like the thought of walking away with not just my dignity but my hard work.
There is no joy in watching someone go from employee to owner of your business (by banging your partner) and begin to complain about how THEIR hard work put food on YOUR table.
Think it is funny? Think about that, the next time you second-guess yourself about protecting yourself with ANYONE.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Nasim Keshmiri on Unsplash
