At sixty years old, I am discovering things way too late. Like how to be the man, the human being, I was meant to be.
Why did I wait until sixty? I was tempted into submission, comfort, and escape. I knew what I wanted to do when I was 25, but I gave in to my temptation.
Some things just pull you to where you should not be.
Like my mother, standing in the driveway talking to her twenty-five-year-old son, convincing him of the folly of following his own dream. And after he caved, she spent the next twenty-five years pointing out all the others who did not cave.
Like my father, whose response to my desire to write at 18 years old was clear enough: “What, do you think you are going to write the great American novel?” he scoffed. He wanted me to be like him — sell out his true desire for a career in business. He won, too.
Wiser parents could have been better guides, but mine weren’t. And although they played a part, it was not their fault. For they merely represented the foe in a battle within me — I was fighting the dragon mother. This dragon is not my mother or my father. Rather, she is the temptation within me to let go of my genius so I could be comfortable, live nice, and be respectable.
At sixty years old, I am finally figuring this out. It is a shame it took this long, and it is a blessing it is not taking longer still. Way too many men never do figure it out and go to their graves with their genius utterly unengaged, even after an entire lifetime. That’s what my dad did.
The betrayal of my own genius began in those interactions with my real-life parents, but they harkened to a dragon inside me, and that dragon was later engaged elsewhere. I caved in to the dragon when the going got tough after my first daughter was born and I left my given place in the world for an unrooted opportunity to make money in the city. A neighbor had said one day: “If you need to make money, go make money. You know how to do that.”
I knew I could do this. I had the social and business DNA for it from my father. So I did it. I started a business, just as he desired for me, and I made a lot of money, just as he had hoped for me. And I kept giving it away — aka, spending it — to buy happiness that never materialized. Because it wouldn’t and it couldn’t. And now at sixty, after having made lots and lots of money, I have little to show for it but a small, modest place in the forest. Only a place to write. And pray. I am lucky to have it.
It was here that I read Robert Johnson’s book Lying with the Heavenly Woman and began to understand what happened to me, and what I was not going to let happen again. I’d sold my genius out. I never slayed the dragon mother that lives within me. The mother complex, as Johnson calls it, is that precise temptation within oneself to return to the peace and protection of the womb. It has little to do with actual mothers, and everything to do with a man’s inner longing to escape. I escaped. I escaped well. For thirty-five years, at least.
If there is one thing I would say to younger men than I, it would be this: “Stand up for that fight. Slay the dragon mother!” I would remind them, “Remember, she is in you and she is not anyone out there — not your mother, stepmother, wife, or partner. She lives in you. It is your fight. And when you win, you will be a better partner to that real woman and a better contributor to the world.”
As I have learned, failing this fight is failing your life. It is walking away from your genius. And God knows, we need everyone’s genius now.
I walked away from my genius for years and now find myself way behind. The genius of one’s soul goes far beyond any outward manifestations, but the outward manifestations tend to reflect inner reality. Knowing all along the inner bankruptcy of corporate life, I chose repeatedly to live it. And in so doing I chose repeatedly not to live my genius. As a result, I find myself at sixty starting over. There is no network, no tested capabilities, no natural routes of success that are tried and true. When you are twenty-four and starting out, people want to help you. But when you are sixty, there is often a question: Don’t you already know that? It is intimidating. And yet, it is just another manifestation of the same battle with the dragon mother. It doesn’t embody my personal mother and father, who have since passed away; rather, it is my own demons, my inferiority complex, and my lack of belief in the strength and gift of my genius. For thirty-five years, I never saw this reality. This time, I see it.
Yes, I am behind, but that doesn’t mean I cannot build the infrastructure and create a network starting right here and right now. It doesn’t mean I cannot begin to connect with readers and build an audience. It doesn’t mean no one is interested in my work. It simply means that I haven’t found enough of those people yet.
There are skills I have developed over my career which will apply. Anyone at sixty will have some kinds of skills to add to their genius, and which will serve it. We just need to look for them, apply them, and do our best work in line with our genius.
Around every corner and in every closet, however, that dragon mother will lurk. You don’t encounter her once and win. Oh, no. The fairy tales say it like it is one-and-done, but there is also a reason why these tales are told over and over — the drama never ends. The battle is never permanently won. You win once, you face her again. And again.
This ongoing battle is why a man must carry an inner sword. He must sheath it, draw it, hold it, and sometimes even raise it. If he confronts the real inner dragon, he must use the sword and slay the dragon. But be clear — this is the dragon within himself. There is no blame on others. There is no fight with other people. It is his own crucial battle; it is the battle for his life and his destiny.
I have finally learned this. It has taken way too long, but I hold that inner sword with me at all times. The dragon mother is everywhere, and I have to keep showing her the sword. There is no other way to stay true to my own life and the genius that is mine to live.
You can find my newsletter Intertwine: Living Better in a Worsening World here.
*
Anthony Signorelli
Ideas, insights, and imagination to help you live better in a worsening world. Topics include Men, #MeToo, and Masculinity; Postcapitalism; Climate Change; Digitalization and Cryptocurrency; Green Energy; Retirement and financial planning… basically everything that addresses making life better in this challenging time of history.
To help me continue this work and find other insightful writing, join Medium here. It’s only 5 bucks and Medium pays me half to keep this work going. Much appreciated.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Katrin Hauf on Unsplash