I was listening to a recent podcast on relationships, love, connection, and intimacy… Because that is apparently all I do now, and I came across this realization.
Every long term relationship is at some point susceptible to resentments and those un-addressed resentments often lead to the poison that is apathy. Once apathy sets in most people find themselves asking “is this all there is?”.
The trend I see however is that instead of people asking “how do I make my relationship better” or “How do I improve _____ in my relationship” people are googling “how to know when to end a relationship” and the likes.
Unfortunately we have evolved in to a disposable society that does not believe in fixing anything! Phone having problems, throw it out and buy a new one, car keeps breaking down, trade it in… Partner doesn’t read our mind and meet our needs, swipe right for a new one! To be honest I’ve never been on a dating app so I assume “right” is for yes, as in this is the right one… if not someone missed an opportunity there!
I will acknowledge that apathy is not the only reason for relationship woes but lets say it is a big one that I believe can be made better with work.
So where does apathy come from, how does it show up in our relationships, and what can we do about it?
Apathy starts when:
- Our expectations are unmet
- Our partner fails to meet our needs
- Our connection starts to fade
- The sex dies off
- The emotional intimacy dies off
- The day to day takes hold and you feel more like you are surviving than you are thriving.
You get the idea, apathy starts when we are focused on what we are not getting, what is not happening, and the parts of our relationship that are not what we think, expect, or imagined they would be.
I spent 30+ years in high-end tech roles and one thing I am sure of, if you can identify and name the problem there is a solid chance you can fix it or at the very least, make it better.
So my first question for you is:
Can you clearly identify and articulate the areas of your relationship where you are currently feeling apathetic?
Maybe you know them off the top of your head, maybe you need to sit and journal about them for a bit, but the first step here is to clearly identify the problem. You can use that list above as a starting point if you need some help defining them.
Are you back? Do you have your list? Great!
When I said that if we can identify the problem we can fix it, I may have forgotten to mentioned that it will take lots of work and most likely you will be the one carrying most of the weight, at least in the beginning. Over the course of our relationships we will both take turns doing the heavy lifting in different ways so stick with me here!
Armed with your newly articulated understanding of what is causing your apathy it is time to lean in. So what does this look like you ask? Below are some examples of what it would look like for you to take ownership of your parts and invite your partner to do the same, because one thing I’m fairly certain of:
If you acknowledge a problem in your relationship by first owning your part, your partner will feel less attacked and be more likely to want to resolve the issue instead of fight about it.
So lets jump in to what that might look like by taking a few items from our list above, remember these are just some examples of where apathy brews I’m always happy to hear about others and brainstorm ideas to resolve them.
Our expectations are unmet:
This is a great one to start with, one thing that I have found in doing the work is that 99% of the time when I am upset because my expectations are not being met (by my partner, child, co-workers, etc) it is because I have not clearly defined my expectations in a way that those people understand them. This is not about demands of what someone else should or shouldn’t do, this is about enrolling them and clearly explaining my expectations.
A quick example:
My daughter wanted to stay up late on a school night and finish watching the episode of whatever we were watching, I said sure but but bed right after. The show ends, she’s talking to my wife and I say “OK BED” and she tells me “just a minute, I’m talking with mom”.
I had an expectation that it meant straight to bed, she had the expectation that bed right after could also mean finish her conversation with mom.
After getting needlessly upset I realized that my expectation had not been clearly articulated to her and I was mostly upset with myself.
How to do this better? “You can stay up until the show ends but when its over, straight to bed, no conversation, no checking one last thing on your phone, literally straight to bed, agreed?”.
Our partner fails to meet our needs:
Lets get real, can you clearly define and articulate what your your real needs are in the relationship? I talk to so many who feel like their partner isn’t meeting their needs but cannot articulate clearly what those needs are.
Exercise: Look at the list of example core needs and ask yourself which you feel may be lacking and which you are feeling resentful or apathetic that your partner is or will meet those. This is a starting point, feel free to add more of your own.
- Emotional connection
- Trust and security
- Affection & Intimacy
- Communication
- Respect & Appreciation
- Shared Goals & Values
- Commitment
Now take the items from the list and ask where you can take ownership of the shortfall.
What this looks like? Lets say you are feeling a lack of affection and intimacy, instead of holding that resentment and becoming apathetic about your partner meeting that need, you share with them that you are feeling disconnected, that you would like more intimacy in the relationship and that you realize that if you are missing something that you need you understand that usually means they are missing something that they need.
Real world talk here, I missed affection and physical intimacy with my wife and got so resentful and apathetic about our relationship that I closed down, I couldn’t even hear what she was asking for and as the apathy set it, I started not to care. If I had led with the idea that if I was missing something she must be too then I get to be curious about what needs she had that I could work on and in turn invite her to do the same.
Apathy is the toxic friend of resentment that poisons our hearts towards our partner.
If you feel apathetic today or feel apathy creeping in don’t let this be the moment you give up, let this be the canary in the coal mine that tells you that your relationship needs some love, some deep conversation, and most importantly, needs your reflection so that you can be very clear in your communication, expectations, and desires for where you want this relationship to go.
Remember, Love is a verb, an action, and a choice. Learning to heal resentments and address your own apathy is the super power that allows you to heal, reconnect, and soften back into love for your partner.
As always if you are struggling with apathy towards your partner I would love to connect and see what we can do to help you and your partner heal and buils something beautiful, you can find me and more info on my coaching practice on my website StephenBickle.com.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Peter Conrad on Unsplash
