Some Avoidants Are Desperate to Get Married

Try online dating for a couple of weeks and you’re going to run into these profiles:

• “Dating to marry.”
• “Not interested in hookups or FWB. Serious inquiries only!”
• “I know what I want, and I’m not here to waste time.”
• “Looking for a serious relationship only.”
• “If you’re not ready for marriage, don’t waste my time.”
• “I have a 5-year plan, and I need someone who aligns with it.”

Since when did love become this commodified and serious?

Why are we even worrying about marriage when we haven’t even been on a first date?

As much as I’d like to find a woman who could be my wife, dating isn’t that serious to me, and even if I might let relationships get the better of me at times, there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people who just can’t wait to get married.

And If you’re not mindful or think it through for a second, you can get duped into believing,

“Oh, this person wants commitment. They want to get married. That must mean they’re emotionally available and would make a great partner.”

Wrong.

Love isn’t commitment

Many avoidants are too eager to date someone for the sole purpose of marriage and substitute that whole thing for love.

While avoidants are often stereotyped as “commitment-phobic” individuals who run at the first sign of the mention “Will you be my girlfriend?” not all of them are like this.

As I’ve learned, avoidants don’t have to necessarily be afraid of commitment to be classified as such.

Because there are three things in relationships they fear:

• Commitment (dating exclusively, getting married, long-term relationship)
• Intimacy (emotional and physical closeness, passion)
• Vulnerability (being open and honest)

Avoidants fear emotions and they often fear intimacy and vulnerability:

Since childhood, they associated the very things that make relationships work with pain and rejection.

But commitment?

That doesn’t really require intimacy or vulnerability. For example, my ex-fiance primarily had traits and behaviors typical of a dismissive avoidant, and she stayed with me for nearly 5 years before our relationship ended.

It ended because we had conflict, and by definition, conflict requires two people to “get close” to each other (even if it’s not a positive experience), and so, when we got too close, she left.

Before that, our relationship was synonymous with two roommates fucking each other on occasion. That was about it.

And I’ve dated avoidant girls who had been married before, been in long-term relationships that lasted for years, and everything in between.

So commitment-phobia isn’t always a sign of avoidance.

However, as I’ve stated, some avoidants can’t seem to wait to get married.

Here’s why.

Marriage isn’t love either

First, we have to understand what marriage is (beyond the legal definition).

We all know marriage was created to bind houses together and to create legal and financial protections for couples. Especially in a time when one gender had fewer rights.

Marriage was more about property rights, lineage, and family security.

Yet, nowadays?

Does it matter?

A legal document isn’t necessary to do the same thing married people have been doing for thousands of years:

Sharing finances, raising children, and building a life together.

Marriage, at least these days, has lost a lot of its power (due to divorce — I’ll get into this shortly), so realistically, the last thing that it truly provides is a “boundary” of sorts.

Like a wrapper.

In this diagram, we can think of it this way:

Dating → Love → Relationship → Marriage

Dating comes first, then you fall in love and you build a relationship around that love to ensure it continues to grow and thrive. And marriage is like the final capstone or boundary of the relationship itself to ensure everything stays intact.

For marriage to be anything beyond just a legal contract, it must come after the three other phases, and is entirely dependent on the success of each prior stage.

Because without some kind of legal and/or financial penalty for ending a relationship, no one will feel an incentive to try and work on the relationship first without calling it quits.

But that in-between part?

|Love → Relationship|

That part isn’t as fun. Love can be painful and relationships aren’t always so easy to navigate, and avoidants don’t like dealing with that weird, messy grey area where everything isn’t so cut and dry.

But dating? That’s easier.

You can easily “keep things casual” while you silently assess the other person’s “compatibility” with your own values. And if you “don’t like” them you can just peace out without explaining yourself.

For avoidant attachers, it’s easier to do this:

Dating → Marriage

Date for a while, be really selective — hoping to find the “perfect” person, and when they think that person is flawless then they’re ready to propose or accept a proposal.

They do this in order to bypass all the stickiness of love and relationship.

The avoidant is more interested in maintaining an idea, an image, or a label than actually doing the work to build the relationship.

To them, if they’re married, ‘all their dreams will come true, and they’ll be happy.’

If only it were that easy.

What’s going on here with modern-day marriage?

Now, you might not directly run into someone out there in the dating scene who boldly proclaims “I only date to marry!”

You’ll often find these taglines on dating apps or even subtly in the demeanor of the people you meet.

On dating apps, there’s a pressure to screen people out. Since you’re not directly interfacing with a person — face to face — you’re limited to how you can figure out “who to swipe right on” when there are so many options.

Right or wrong, it’s what happens.

So “I’m only looking for a serious relationship” because a convenient excuse to disregard otherwise promising matches just because you can’t be bothered to interact with every single person.

However, while someone could just be using the “Dating to marry” tagline as a way to filter people out, it’s better to take things at face value, than give them the benefit of the doubt.

Since a lot of avoidants use dating apps, their profile is going to be a preview of what you can expect (if you look closely enough).

In other ways, in person, you’ll notice someone who is “dating to marry” and looking to bypass intimacy and vulnerability will give off certain clues.

• Rushing to define the relationship
• Always looking for “what’s next”
• Incredibly high standards that seem impossible to meet

While these behaviors can indicate an anxious attacher’s desire to quickly jump into a relationship to “avoid abandonment,” an avoidant attacher wants to rush the process out to get to the “end goal” so they can secure a relationship, put it off to the side, and focus on something else without acknowledging the intricacies of a relationship.

The problem with modern-day marriage

The legal system has rewarded people for discarding and ending a relationship when things become too inconvenient for an individual involved in such an agreement.

Rather than work through issues, people opt out, hurting their spouses along the way.

Especially common today, no-fault divorce laws are starting to reflect a cultural shift where relationships are pretty much disposable and commitment is optional.

We could consider this dynamic similar to how we’ve become so accustomed to instant gratification.

Not satisfied with an appliance or a vehicle? Just swap it out for something different.

Just bought the latest iPhone or Android and you’re disappointed with the camera? Who cares?

Trade it in for something else.

Same with a relationship. The relationship isn’t bringing you endless joy and satisfaction? Fuck your partner, just divorce them and find someone else.

Leaving a marriage wasn’t always such a trivial thing, thus the few alternatives you had were working it out or accepting the choices you made by marrying that person.

With no-fault divorce, you don’t really need a real reason to end a marriage.

You can just say, “This ain’t working out, I’m done. Bye. See you later.”

No explanation is needed. No accountability necessary.

Even if it’s not a marriage, this is how a lot of relationships with avoidants end.

One day everything seems good, and the next day they’re packing up their things and leaving, without a word.

Final thoughts,

Despite all the talk or reassurances of “I’m not here to waste our time,” an avoidant will not hesitate to waste years of your life by failing to communicate and leaving when things aren’t perfect.

And it’s truly ironic, that avoidants can be so eager to commit, yet simultaneously ready to leave at the drop of a hat.

If someone says they’re “only dating to marry,” don’t be surprised if they turn love into a living hell.

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If you’re dealing with toxic relationships, avoidant behavior, or you’re struggling to voice your needs, I put together this guide on setting boundaries, using a simple, no-BS method to set limits in dating and relationships. Download your copy here.