Humorist.
It says it right there in my bio. I’m a humorist. At least, I’m a humorist as far as the person who wrote my bio is concerned. That person is me, so he should know.
[adds “narcissist” to bio]
I’ve been writing humor for a very long time in one format or another. It first started with a blog on the Blogger platform. Blogs were kind of like what you’re reading, except everyone had one.
Everyone.
Can you cook? Food blog.
Do you like movies? Movie blog.
You aren’t me? Inspirational blog.
Everyone had one.
When my first child was born, the hospital put the URL of her blog address on her birth certificate. Seriously, if you had a blog, you weren’t special.
The title of my blog was, appropriately, “Mental Poo,” and was as truth-in-advertising as you could get. It was me just spitballing stupid things that came into my head. My audience grew, I got a book deal out of it after about 6 years, and then the blog went away.
Then social media took over.
Facebook. Twitter. YouTube. Snap. TikTok. I joined them all. And on each platform, I would point to my Amazon author page and use my jokes and comedy, and observations to try to get people to buy my books. Medium is no different. I’m here to be noticed and make money, much like the woman working corners of The Red Light District, but I probably have fewer Twitter followers.
Humor.
It’s what I did. It’s what I do.
But it’s not always me.
I’m not always in the mood to be funny. I experience the same anxiety, fears, and pain that everyone else does. I’ve grown up knowing what it’s like to live in a household with alcoholism and violence. I’ve walked away from a car accident that should have left me paralyzed or dead. I’ve experienced an event in my family that tore us apart and continues to have repercussions until this very day.
I’m a father. I’ve been divorced. I’ve been remarried. I am in my 50s and struggle to sleep at night without the aid of a prescription. I have a huge bald spot and my penis hates seeing me happy unless, well, it also has the aid of a prescription. I have a boring job that pays well, so I stick with it.
Things aren’t always fun.
When I was a kid in Middle School, my English teacher would make us write “themes” each week. Each theme would be different, it could be a story, or a poem, or a thought. Anything you wanted to write, you could write. The kicker was that you had to read it in front of the class to get a grade.
I loved it.
I wrote and wrote and wrote.
This was back in the early 80s when all my writing was done on a standard non-electric typewriter. I had to use these little white strips when I made a typo to cover the incorrect letter with a splotchy glop of white powder.
I could write for days upon days. My fingers would cramp and my neck would ache, but tickity-tickity-tickity is all you would hear from my bedroom for hours on end.
But my writing was never, ever, humor.
I wrote horror stories.
I would write manuscripts that included dialog, almost always using my schoolmates as characters. There were monsters and murders and science fiction brain teasers. I would read them aloud in class and my friends would laugh when they, invariably, appeared as characters about to be mauled or disemboweled. And always, they would applaud at the end.
I miss those and I may go back to them. The ability to just tap into that darker side of yourself and see what comes out has always been the best kind of mystery to me. I’m not sure what will spill out of these hands, but I’m kind of excited to see.
In the meantime, some people are living in households with alcoholism and violence. People are struggling with anxiety over parenthood, divorce, or family. There are people with bad jobs and bald spots and sad, droopy penises.
For those people, I’m here to help bring some light into the day or a smile to a face. I’m here to help someone find their laughter when they thought they couldn’t feel any lower. Getting a random “Thank you, I needed that today” is what keeps me doing it.
My humor will never go away. Neither will my desire to write on the serious side.
I think I may be able to do both of these things.
I think I will try.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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