Sometimes It’s Hard to Stay Positive

We are all fragile in different ways.

It doesn’t matter how lovingly you were raised or how healthy you’ve been or what you’ve accomplished. There are always areas of fragility. This is why it’s important to be compassionate.

I’ve had many people help me out over the last year as I was diagnosed with brain, lung and liver cancer back in April of 2021.

I had surgery to remove a lemon sized tumor from my brain and since then I’ve had several rounds of radiation therapy, both for my lungs and my brain.

The last one truly terrified me as the loss of brain function has always been a particular nightmare of mine. Fortunately, while I had some cognitive decline during and after the radiation, I have seen it coming back over time. Part of this is that I continually work my brain. I found online programs to push myself, plus I do other activities to challenge myself.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I had a positive attitude.

I consider that to be a key component of my recovery. I think if you stay positive, it helps you fight whatever battles you have.

Unfortunately, it’s impossible even for natural optimists to stay upbeat. The fact is, life can wear you down.

For me, the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak, occurred after I got a UTI, or so I thought. But it turns out that the symptoms were not due to that. So now I have to see yet another specialist. Which involves, among other things, figuring out who can give me a ride, because, thanks to the brain tumors, I can’t drive yet.

It makes the simplest things hard.

I am so fed up with this. I just want a break from medical issues! I am tired of hospitals, doctors, all of it. Is it so much to ask for to have a week without some new ailment?

The thing is, it’s beautiful right now. My irises are blooming, the weather is actually really pleasant… I’d love to be able to just enjoy life for a while.

So I find myself morose and brooding. I know that this is not the best thing for my recovery, but sometimes it’s really hard to stay positive when you feel like everything is a struggle.

But you know what? It’s OK.

I am old enough now that I no longer try to pretend. When friends ask me how I am — I am honest with them. When I pray, when I think about my situation — I allow myself to cry or be sad. I think it’s really important to be authentic with yourself.

It’s one way of loving yourself. In the long run, it actually fuels feelings of optimism and joy to really feel things like grief, loneliness, anger and so on. They are also part of who you are. If you can embrace these emotions and accept them, you get that much closer to fully embracing, accepting, and loving yourself.

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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.

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