Sometimes Love Doesn’t Die, It Just Gets Old

Lock it in

Oh, this is great. We get along, sex is great and everything feels perfect, exhilarating, and powerful.

We tell our friends and family it finally happened — we found our one and only, our soulmate, our life partner.

The love juices in our brain crowd out any lurking doubts or red flags. We sincerely believe we finally did it — we locked love in.

The slowly creeping normalcy

Sometimes you end up in a fiery, volatile, and angry mess. But oftentimes there is no volcanically explosive moment or major fighting or anything other than our brains returning to their normal chemistry.

Sex addicts may actually be as addicted to the adrenaline and serotonin rush that comes with an endless flow of fresh genitalia as they are to the sex itself.

If you stick with one person, particularly for years, there is frequently a creeping sense of normalcy we perceive as melancholy, boredom, or a desire for that rush of excitement new love provides.

Old shoes and cars

Look in your closet. You see that 5-year-old pair of shoes. Why are you holding on to them? They’re out of fashion and a little ratty-looking.

That car you’re driving, you know, the one with the scratches and dents and rickety transmission. Why not trade it in for a new one?

Because there’s something charming, comfortable, nostalgic, and special about them. We know what we have and how they’re going to feel and perform.

So when do we replace our old stuff? Some never do. Others wait until their shoes or car completely fall apart. Others get rid of them the moment they no longer function as well as they once did.

Co-dependency

When an initially mind-blowing, life-changing relationship ages, we often end up stuck in a strange state of mind.

We’ve accumulated a lot of mileage with that person: warmth, closeness, familiarity, and sincere level of caring and love.

Those who’ve broken up or divorced after long periods of time, often retain a lifelong bond and sense of attachment and loyalty to their exes.

Sometimes it seems impossible to break away from someone. Particularly if you’ve spent every day together and have become used to completing each other’s thoughts and sentences.

We end up in a tortuous, impossible state of mind where we still love our mate but are desperate to be free from the obligation and constraints of the relationship.

In fact, we crave our freedom so intensely we can taste it.

Yet we can’t seem to actually break free.

We become dependent on their dependency.

There are no words

We all know couples who break up and get back together over and over. They swear they mean it, then fall back into each other’s arms again.

There are no words or ways to express what we want.

We say we want a fresh start, but part of us, perhaps subconsciously, can’t let go.

The deconstruction phase

Imagine someone shoots you with a poisonous dart and they’re the only one with the antivenom.

Perversely, sometimes the only person qualified to navigate us through our broken heart, is the person who broke our heart — creating a seemingly endless loop of conversations, explanations, and texts in a vain attempt to soothe our mental state — reinforcing the co-dependency.

Can you transition from lovers to friends?

Yes and no.

The aptest comparison is asking whether someone who was addicted to drugs, alcohol, or tobacco can still dabble in it a little. Usually not. Certainly not in the early stages of quitting something. It’s still too raw.

The truth is, at some point, either as a result of counseling each other, the effect of time passing, or a combination of both, a truly platonic relationship can emerge.

But don’t fool yourself, sometimes, like the addict who dabbles, you can get pulled back into the mental anguish and distress all over again

A diet of the romantic mind

The secret, if you’re in that “trying to make it work phase”, is to find a way to retain your sense of freedom and independence within the relationship.

This is much easier said than done.

My last breakup consisted of a full year of tempting fate by remaining friends. Said plainly, I wasn’t over her enough to just be friends. I powered through the temptation because of a combination of co-dependency and a desire for my ex to remain in my life — at any cost.

Did I did secretly hope we’d spark things up again? Did I power through it with clenched teeth and self-coaching…yes.

Though as messy, confusing, and strange as the deconstruction was, it ultimately worked. I reached a resigned acceptance of reality.

She was never going to return to me in a romantic, passionate way. That part of our past was over. Period. And I accepted it.

It never fully dies

True love never completely dies.

Nobody can ever take away that first kiss. Or making love that feels so magical you could die at that moment and it would be fine.

How can you tell if the love has died or it’s just gotten old?

You can’t.

It ultimately becomes a conscious choice.

Love is messy, complicated, unpredictable, and mysterious.

For me, I will always love the three women who loved me so strongly and meaningfully, and powerfully.

Their love for me, and mine for them, will never die.

Does that mean there’s a chance we’ll rekindle our love and return to each other’s embrace?
No.

It means we decided we couldn’t quite find a way to make it last.

Should we have given up?

We’ll never know.

Do I have regrets?

Sometimes.

Would I live my life differently?

Heck no.

You can’t live backward.

The answer

You can only take life one day at a time.

The hardest part is accepting two things: you can only control your own choices and actions, and love is a sloppy, unpredictable, unimaginably complex game.

Love will find its way.

It’ll come up against strong headwinds, winding roads, jealousy, betrayal, deep despair, and inexplicably euphoric highs.

Love both sucks, and is the only reason to live.

The ultimate answer is to surrender to the uncertainty.

You can only control your own actions.

But most of all, you can’t give up on having love in your life.

Love is what makes life bearable.

Whether you love the one you’re with or seek someone new, love keeps us alive.

Nobody can take away the love you created.

The solution

The solution involves accepting you’re going to experience mental and emotional pain because reality will never live up to your expectation of what love owes you.

Love owes you nothing.

Love either is or isn’t — you feel it or you don’t. It can expand when you least expect it, then disappear without warning.

It’s not controlled by you.

You can scratch your lover’s back every night with classical music and the sounds of rolling waves in the background. You can devote every waking hour to their existence. But that will not lock anything in.

If your mate gets sick of you….there’s nothing you can do about it.

You can whine.

You can beg.

You can live in a fantasy world where you’re still together.

But you have a choice.

Cut things off tightly — no deconstruction period. You discontinue all communication. Period.

Or, you allow each other to express their heartache, regrets, desires, and fears for as long as it takes to be strong enough to live without you. An odd, yet effective, way of healing the one you harmed.

Old love

There’s something positive to be said about an old love that failed romantically but survives platonically.

I don’t (often) think of my exes in a romantic light. But I’m still thankful love’s spell was once cast.

Occasionally, old love turns back into new love.

Sometimes it is not healthy for there to be any communication whatsoever.

But don’t underestimate the value of being able to communicate on occasion with a past love, if it’s mutually beneficial.

Summary

Unlike fairy tales, love is not cooked up in some whiches’ brew and cast upon us as a lifelong spell.
There is no rhyme or reason as to why, or how long, you’re going to love your mate, intensely….or at all.

Love ebbs and flows for reasons we don’t understand.

If your mate has lost that loving feeling, overcompensating to “bring the love back to life” is usually futile.

Containing your ongoing feelings will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.

Witnessing hurt in your mate’s face will be equally as difficult.

Surrendering to the unknown is brutal, but the only way to survive.

There will be minutes, hours, days, and weeks where you’re suffering every second.

But our brains have a way of saving us.

We eventually love again.

Will we ever rekindle any of our past loves?

Maybe. But don’t count on it.

Move on.

Life is great not because you lost love….but because you had it…..and will have it again.