My best friend’s daughter turned one-year-old today.
B and I have been friends for the better part of thirty years, and it’s hard for me to fathom I’ve only held her daughter once in a whole year.
Sometimes, things don’t go as planned.
* * *
My husband and I met nineteen years ago. A lot has happened in those nineteen years. (utterly an understatement.) When things are going right, it’s SO good. When it’s bad — it’s stressful as FUCK, and I want to quit. I wouldn’t wish the shitty times on my worst enemy.
I’m also trying to push through all of those things and do better.
“Maybe, I don’t know. But maybe that’s okay.” — Jon Bellion
* * *
I didn’t know what else to do to keep my head from spinning off my neck this morning. So I threw on my earbuds, brewed some coffee-to-go, and went for a hike.
Emotional regulation is what I was searching for.
Somewhere, in between the peaks and valleys, I got it.
I hiked and thought about my life for miles. At the bottom of all the dizzying hills I had just climbed, I sat down on a cold steel bench in between two Oak trees and hung my head.
I have to let go. There’s nothing else I can do.
I came to terms with what I was feeling, why I was feeling it, and what I could do about it.
Here are eight bad habits I’m learning to let go of:
- Trying to control other people and situations that are out of my control.
- Reacting instead of responding.
- Numbing uncomfortable emotions with comfortable food.
- Putting my needs last.
- Allowing my relationships to be unbalanced and not doing anything about it.
- Getting angry about how others live their lives.
- Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions and behavior.
- Feeling like the weight of the world is actually on my shoulders.
* * *
I sent my friend a text message wishing her daughter a “happy birthday” — with some cute emoji hearts attached to it. I put it out into the world, wished her and her family well, and let go.
In the past, I used to take it personally when she didn’t respond to my messages. It’s 2019 — it’s pretty obvious when someone chooses to ignore your attempts to communicate.
It’s okay. It’s her choice.
I sat down with Mr. Grey at dinner, (while the kids ate in front of the TV), and laid more stuff on the table than ever before. I wasn’t confident enough to tell him that we weren’t on the same page until now.
My only options were fight or flight. And I wasn’t leaving. I chose to fight — for us, for me, and for L and L.
Things have to change. They have to get better. I need more balance in my life and I will do my part. As hard as this is to admit, the rest isn’t up to me.
* * *
Thank you for listening. ❤ D
Previously published on Medium.com.
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