Gender as an excuse for behaviour has become too common in dealing with personal criticism in a general and stereotypical way.
–––
They relate to some unspoken but paradoxically deafening rule of manhood.
|
There are few things more rewarding to me than a genuine conversation with a man. A conversation that exists outside the conventional realms of how he has been conditioned to express or not express himself. When there is an understanding that judgment plays no part in the client-practitioner relationship, it’s usually met at first with hesitation and suspicion, the degrees of which vary depending on the perceived severity of the subject to be explored. In the countless hours I’ve spent navigating through feelings, motivations and aspirations with men, there have been some clear patterns to show up time and time again. Patterns which aren’t dependent on the age, nationality, or social status of a man. More often than not, they relate to some unspoken but paradoxically deafening rule of manhood. For example, the idea that gender, outside of physical or genetic make-up, brings with it conditions and statutes which if disobeyed, will rescind membership to the manclub.
This club always consists of other men, but there are of course the outside observers. Those who, akin to unskilled spectators in a game of sport, can invoke anxiety in players with easy-come easy-go judgments and unsolicited criticism. For the men I’ve worked with who haven’t yet managed to filter only the useful spectator noise, a natural defense mechanism has emerged, one that does not serve them or make progress easy. It’s these defenses that I would like to address, because a bad defense can be worse than a good prosecution.
I come across some examples of behavior rationalisation more commonly than others, usually presented as facts I must accept as part of the work toward a solution. They come attached to three types of person; he who uses his manhood as a crutch, he who views it as the limp itself, and he who is perfectly able-bodied. Here is what they say:
♦◊♦
“I am a man, I have the right to behave like this.”
Manhood as something to lean on. I’ve met men personally and professionally for whom gender is the ticket to being a certain person or excusing a particular behavior. My first question is usually When did the right to do X become gender specific? Unless someone is still living in the dark ages, this defense can’t sincerely hold any lasting weight in our reasoning. Being one gender or the other doesn’t preclude us from being loving, decent or respectful. If people want to act in a specific manner and own that choice and its consequences then that’s great. However, it’s fraudulent in this day and age to use gender as a reason to excuse behavior we know is questionable. However accurate one may think their bias, it’s perpetuating stereotypes that an entire sex may not want to be associated with.
“I behave like this because I am a man.”
Manhood as a reason. It’s helpful on occasion to remind people, men and women, that behaviour is a choice. Barring involuntary spasms and neurological conditions – we have a choice. It’s incredibly easy to blame or even commend the separate sexes for actions we think are above, beneath or typical of them. Women do it as much as men – He’s going to cheat, he’s a man. He wasn’t thinking, it’s a man thing. The bottom line is that everyone has a decision about the actions they take in life, regardless of a predisposition or reputation for them. What decision can you accept from a man that you would not accept from a women? What quality of manhood would you praise that you wouldn’t praise in a woman? Why?
“I am a man and I behave like this. Sometimes, I don’t know why.”
Manhood as a part of the situation. This is one of the most honest statements or inferences that their can be when working to solve challenges. This is the person who is able to separate gender from action and at the same time fully own both. When someone is able to accept that there is no absolute gender-based cause and effect to what they’ve done or what they feel, then the doorway to help and progress is so much wider. It becomes a human issue, a personal one, rather than one which carries with it the weight of half the world. It settles into something we can change or accept but ultimately take responsibility for.
♦◊♦
There are surely some perfect humanoids out there who need never defend their actions or emotions, but for those of us who occasionally have to, its crucial that we try to loosen our grip on gender judgments, especially for situations that deserve more intelligent and considered attention.
Want the best of The Good Men Project posts sent to you by email? Join our mailing list here.
Photo: Robert S. Donovan/Flickr
Tori, your words were right on about how many men use gender as an excuse for laziness and being slobs (OK, assholes even!). Of course, this works for women as well, who feign helplessness and confusion about anything “icky” or technical. I wrote an article about gender loafing you might enjoy: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/08/gender-loafing-honey-while-youre-up-john-hardman/