I came away from the first meeting with the narcissist feeling all abuzz. We had so much in common! We vibed on politics, spirituality, being intellectually curious, and the importance of deep listening and honesty in relationships. He seemed to be on the same page with me no matter what I said. We were miraculously in synch. By the second date he started saying “this just feels so obvious,” and every part of me agreed. I felt I had hit the relationship jackpot, but really, I was already in the clutches of a master manipulator who was using mirroring to draw me into his web.
Mirroring is a manipulative technique used by toxic people. They will often “mirror” the other person to gain trust and intimacy. This looks like “miraculously” having the same likes and dislikes, pretending they are “soul mates” etc. The attentive listening many narcissists display early on in the relationship (it rarely lasts, sorry to say) is not actually coming from true curiosity. Rather, it is better thought of as data gathering.
This data gathering actually serves two purposes. One, to find out how to mirror you so you feel you’ve met your soul mate. Two, to learn your vulnerabilities for later use in the devalue stage of the relationship. Do they know they are doing this? A narcissist’s self-awareness is up for debate, but their lack of a true core does tend to make them chameleons, mimicking and copying others as they manipulate their way through life.
It’s possible that in the moment they may convince themselves that they are indeed just like you. Maybe you even show them who they want to be. They tend to be empty shells looking for something to fill them, and someone else’s identity not only fits that bill, it helps them convince you that this relationship is meant to be. But once they are in the door, they tend to demonstrate their toxic behaviors. The mirror doesn’t stand the test of time because alas, it’s not real.
It’s important to watch out for narcissistic mirroring in the early days of any relationship — romantic, friendship or even the workplace. In healthy new relationships, there will, of course, be commonalities. That’s what makes us want to pursue something. But the person will tend to have a clear and defined sense of self that is actually not 100% in synch with you. We’re looking for overlap here, not someone who is exactly the same. That’s just not how human beings are, and — trust me here — it’s not what you want. You want a friend, employee or romantic partner who knows who they are and has developed their own likes, dislikes, hobbies, expertise, etc. Anyone who connects on almost every aspect of your life is flying a great big red flag. Maybe it’s true that this is who they are, but please, proceed with great caution.
One more story. The narcissist said he had at one time been a personal trainer and yoga teacher. I used to ask him to teach me yoga — I thought it would be a nice way to connect and I wanted to learn. He always had a lame excuse as to why he would not, and never, in all the time we were together, did I see him strike a yoga pose. After I left, I had to return to the house to get some things. I went into a spare room and saw that it was all set up as a yoga studio. I knew right then it was highly likely he was dating a yoga teacher!
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Previously Published HERE and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
