Oh boy.
I awakened bleary-eyed but popped online to see what excitement awaited me that Sunday morning. The first thing I saw on my feed was a post in a group I follow — a public accusation of misconduct the night before.
Oh my. Let me put my glasses on.
The accuser was a girl I had met once. I read her detailed account.
I will refrain from saying what I thought about it.
But here’s where the story gets good. The owner of the venue had posted their official statement regarding the event. Which included evidence that directly questioned the girl’s credibility.
Video proof will do that.
And witnesses.
There’s a good reason why accusations should never be made public — and why you will regret doing so every time.
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The first mistake
Once you post an accusation publicly, you are opening the door to something that you will live to regret.
Public judgment.
That judgment can be favorable (I stand with you!) or negative (Why did you wait three weeks to say anything?). It can be valid or not. It doesn’t matter.
When you post your situation publicly, anyone has an open invitation to respond publicly about it.
Oh. And let’s not forget what happens offline.
The private conversations are a thousand times worse.
That’s where people talk about what they REALLY think and believe.
Whether people are saying it or not, everyone has judged the situation immediately in some form. And when they see you, that’s what they are thinking.
And it’s not always good.
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Your Story is Only Half
I once had an employee complain that a coworker was rude and unfriendly — never said good morning, would rarely make eye contact, and wasn’t social. She claimed that his rudeness was making her uncomfortable at work.
When I talked to the coworker I learned that his daughter had passed away under tragic circumstances. He was just trying to get through every day without breaking down or losing his job.
Sometimes the other half of the story makes your side look foolish.
Always talk to the person and give them a chance to share their side before you make any accusation. This is part of being an adult.
Don’t escalate situations unless you have either made a valid attempt to address it directly or have deemed it reasonably unsafe to do so. You can always involve a third person to help facilitate the conversation if needed.
But never avoid it.
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Stop using the public as your friends
People who post a highly personal situation to the public and ask questions like, “Am I overreacting?” or “How should I respond?” concern me.
If you have a personal situation that you have to address, call a close friend or family member who you can have a private, confidential conversation with. Someone who can help you navigate your best course of action.
The general public is not that close friend. So please stop that.
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Why Investigations Are Confidential
I investigated employee accusations of harassment, fraud, and misconduct for many years earlier in my career. The initial accusation is always shocking and sounds super convincing.
However.
As evidence, witnesses, and facts emerge, the true story takes form and shifts. Suddenly, the original accusation gets filled in with color, context, and details that were conveniently omitted at the start.
Trust me when I say that an accuser wants an investigation to remain private and confidential because they are going to be called into question multiple times throughout. People are going to start asking serious questions and calling out anything that doesn’t quite add up.
This does not always play out well for the accuser, as the armchair quarterbacks can be brutal.
How someone feels about a story as it unfolds can change… and the change oftentimes is around how they feel about the parties involved.
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When Your Friends Back Off
So, you posted your public accusation. Your friends jump to your defense and profess solidarity with you. But as the story plays out — publicly, thanks to you — and people start hearing different perspectives and reactions, and key details emerge that change the story, don’t be surprised when your friends start getting weird too.
When a situation is super clear, it’s easy to align and take sides.
When it’s not… oof. This is where it’s gonna hurt.
People want to be supportive. But grown adults typically don’t want a lot of drama in their life. Some people just don’t want to get involved or get dragged into it.
At first they will stand by you. But if you make them look foolish by omitting some key details, or not doing your part to address the situation properly or fairly, most people are going to regret showing solidarity.
And suddenly, you look like the person no one should trust.
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Here’s what you won’t expect
A few years ago, a girl in a local hiking group alerted everyone (all 2500 members) that someone crossed boundaries with her the day before. She didn’t name anyone, but she described the incident, and everyone who was present that day knew who she was referring to.
When she returned to the group a few weeks later, she discovered something odd. People were very distant with her.
Someone finally told her that no one wanted to risk offending or upsetting her because they didn’t want to be publicly shamed the way she did with the last person.
The only way to avoid that was to avoid her.
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You wouldn’t do this at work, so…
If Bob from Accounting did something creepy to you at work, would you send an email to every employee at your job accusing him of vile misconduct?
Of course not.
You’d follow the appropriate channels. You’d first talk to your closest friends or family members, and establish the best course of action. You’d determine whether you should address it with Bob directly and how you would do so.
If that’s not an option, you talk to your manager. Or you escalate it directly to Human Resources to be investigated and addressed. In a severe case like physical assault or violence, you may even file a police report.
I hate to say this, but not everything that you think is harassment is actual harassment that an authority will take action on.
This is why following the correct protocols is so key. Don’t publicly defame someone over a case that simply warranted an apology or was actually an accident or a brief lapse of good judgment.
Things happen. People do stupid stuff.
We are all guilty of it and the only difference is that some of us do it with the wrong person and get publicly shamed for it.
And in the cases where the behavior was totally inappropriate, it needs to be addressed in the proper manner, which rarely requires a person to be publicly shamed.
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Do This Instead
If something bad happens, you gotta address it. But please do it the right way so it doesn’t spiral into an even uglier situation.
Whenever possible, have the conversation with the offender first — and yes, it will be awkward and difficult in most cases. Do it anyway.
Escalate it only when absolutely necessary and don’t loop people into your drama unless it is deemed appropriate and necessary.
The best support you can have is with a small group of trusted people who know all the facts and can help you navigate your path forward.
We all want to feel safe. And that includes trusting that if someone has an issue with us, they will address it with us directly instead of shaming us publicly.
Almost all issues with others can be resolved privately.
And no, it won’t be easy. But you can always ask someone to help mediate the conversation if necessary.
And that’s what your close friends are for. To help guide you and help you find your path to resolution and restored peace of mind. ❤
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The Exception
I have seen a few cases where a public accusation was in order. These were all cases where there was a legit predator with a pattern of severe assault. In these cases, the community was being warned especially when underage people were being targeted. I applaud the courage of those who warn others in the case of a person who is a serious and dangerous threat to others.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Dan Burton on Unsplash
