Disclaimer: This article is intended for sovereign adults only. I am not addressing parents and children (elderly or underage) or differently abled people who may require assistance. This is for two typically abled adults who have literally zero reason in the world to know where the other is 100% of the time…unless they are engaged in a super unhealthy control drama. Or one is on parole.
Unless you are involved in some kind of shadow government work or criminal enterprise, chances are you would be very quick to check out the HELP WANTED listings. The absurd invasion of privacy aside, the absurd entitlement and lack of respect would be enough for most people, even the anxiously attached, to reconsider their place of employment.
This is in part because as adults, we have to achieve a level of both self-awareness and self-guidance that allow us to function in myriad capacities–as employees and lovers, yes, but also as parents of children and children of aging parents, as friends, as siblings, as neighbors and members of society. Most people theoretically balk at the Orwellian “Big Brother” for entirely valid reasons; so why do they immediately surrender boundaries to a partner who demands unfettered access for electronic surveillance?
Because that is what is.
You are romancing an ankle bracelet, my friend.
Sorry, I’m right about this.
And for anyone who wants to argue, “But I have nothing to hide”, I would gently suggest that while you may have nothing to hide, you have everything to lose. If you allow your partner to treat you like an errant child, guess what? Eventually, that is how they will see you.
And it cuts both ways. Although anecdotally, I have observed that it is usually one partner who is closely monitoring the other and so the jailer/parollee dynamic tends to be pretty one-sided. Still, phone tracking in general is a recipe for (entirely avoidable) hurt feelings and conflict.
Here’s an example, recently overheard by yours truly at the grocery store: two (grown ass) adult men, whining to each other about a third adult man who had not yet responded to their respective “Happy Birthday” texts. Not sure if he was a relative or just a friend, but for some reason, they were both able to see his location and THAT was the cause of their consternation…he was at home. He had the audacity not to respond immediately to their texts when he was at HOME. It is bad enough that people expect you to be your phone’s b*tch; even worse when they judge you for not having it attached to your hip when you are sitting around the house. On your birthday. Shame on you!
I am not terribly interested in hearing your reasons for monitoring anyone, let alone your typically abled adult partner. If you don’t trust them, ditch them. If they are involved in shady dealings and you fear for their safety, again, I’d advise you ditch them. If they have a dangerous (but legal) job and you fear for their safety, unless you are an EMT or some other kind of first responder or safety professional, knowing where they are 24/7 is hardly going to be an impactful move.
Do you think that people generally enjoy the sensation of someone else (even someone they love) breathing down their neck?
Psychology suggests otherwise. People like to be SEEN, not WATCHED.
Now, if you want to feel good about this kind of behavior, you have to look no further than this very website to find someone to 1-800-JUSTIFY your actions:
In fact, I can link you to all kinds of articles that say one thing or the other:
10 signs of an unhealthy relationship
Am I Being Tracked & Monitored?
Is It Wrong to Track Your Spouse’s Phone? 5 Reasons to Consider
Of the articles I have perused, “consent” seems to be a big buzzword in the “pro” category…if your partner CONSENTS to having their every move monitored, it is A-OK!
Seriously? I mean, do y’all have a “safe” word, too? I get that some of you LOOOOVE to be controlling and therefore seek out a partner who LOOOVES to be controlled…so party on, Wayne.
But the rest of you need to understand that just as ‘Good fences make good neighbors’, good boundaries make good partners. As a Gen-X denizen, I understand that my highly unsupervised childhood may have set me up with a lifelong passion for personal freedom, lucky me! But I think people of all generations need to understand that jealousy is NOT flattering. As I have written in the past, jealousy can be an intuitive red flag, but more often than not is a dark force that creates the very experience you are trying to avoid.
Look, as anyone who has ever watched an episode of “Forensic Files” already knows*, we are all being watched a lot of the time anyway. If you disappear, they will find the closest cell tower to your last phone interaction in order to locate your corpse, so let’s take that responsibility off of your partner’s plate, shall we? And if the Coldplay cheating scandal has taught us nothing…the point is, cameras are EVERYWHERE. Privacy is an antique relic in today’s society.
And yet…
There really is a huge difference between a partner who has your back and one who is breathing down your neck. Again, if you are a fan of having someone breathe down your neck, have at it. But there is NO RATIONAL REASON for partner tracking, aside from those I mentioned at the top of this piece. You deserve respect (unless you don’t). And you deserve sovereignty (unless you don’t want it. And it does seem like there is a strong cult mentality in our society today, so enjoy the compound and the Kool-Aid, I guess).
But if your partner tracking you makes you uncomfortable? It should. And although it is difficult to regain a boundary you have already ceded, you can ask them honestly, “Why do you feel the need to track me?”
Because I think that is a very important discussion for you to have.
Good luck! And I think you will like the way your big girl/boy panties fit! Trust is a beautiful thing; don’t leave home without it.
*as anyone who has ever watched “The Forensic Files” ALSO knows, it is almost always the spouse who did it. Seems contextually appropriate to mention here.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
