Stop Waiting for Them to Change

You feel so good when you’re with them…sometimes.

They treat you well…sometimes.

You feel cherished, loved, and respected by them…sometimes.

But then there are the times when, at best, you feel confused. And the other times when, at worst, you feel hurt and heartbroken by the way they behave.

You tell them how you feel, and sometimes they listen. They might apologize and promise they’ll change. They might treat you better for a period of time before reverting back to their hurtful behaviors.

Every time things get better, you feel hopeful. Every time they revert, you feel crushed. You hold out hope that one day, their change will be permanent. But that day never comes.

You think that you just need a different approach to explain how you feel, in a way they can better understand. You rehearse conversations in your head. In these conversations, you pour out your heart. You provide examples. You tell them what you need.

In your head, these conversations are solid. You think there is no way they won’t understand you. You believe they’ll have to see your perspective.

But somehow, when you have the conversation in real life, everything gets twisted.

Instead of taking responsibility, they blame you. Everything you’ve ever done wrong is thrown on the table.

Instead of trying to resolve the conflicts, they attack you. Their words, cruelly hurled at you, pierce your heart.

They tell you that the way you see things isn’t true. They tell you that you don’t appreciate all the things they do for you.

Your concerns are dismissed. They aren’t valid after all. You’re too sensitive. You’re asking too much of them. You have loads of things that are wrong with you. You’re lucky they’re still with you.

Can the Toxic Person Change?

When someone stays in this dynamic, they’re often holding onto hope that their partner will change. They see the times of good behavior as evidence of this change.

While people can change, change is evidenced when a person sustains the new behavior and takes accountability if they fall back into their former negative behavior patterns.

In Henry Cloud’s book, “Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward”, Cloud discusses how holding onto the hope of change without evidence of change is actually toxic hope, and it’s nothing more than wishful thinking. It’s toxic hope that keeps people trapped in painful and unhealthy relationships.

Change is hard, as anyone who has ever tried to change knows. And changing someone who doesn’t want to change is impossible.

If you were sitting in a chair across from me, and I was willing you to stand up, I would not be able to make you stand up. You would stand up if you decided you wanted to stand up, and then you took the necessary action to stand up.

Change is the same thing.

The same principles that guide organizational change also apply to personal transformation, because at the heart of any organizational change is the individual. An organization doesn’t truly change unless the people within it do.

Change, in any form, is a process that requires commitment, time, and effort. Change can also trigger painful emotions, which is a key reason why so many people resist change.

For someone to change, they must have an awareness of the need to change, a desire and willingness to change, knowledge about how to change, and the ability to change. Then, the change must be reinforced.

The way we behave is largely shaped by neural pathways in our brains that were formed long ago. These pathways are the foundation of our beliefs, which in turn influence our thoughts and actions. Unless we intentionally rewire these neural pathways by adopting new belief systems, we will continue to repeat the same behaviors.

In the case of toxic individuals, their harmful behavior patterns often stem from a maladaptive response to difficult or traumatic experiences. These neural pathways, and the beliefs and behaviors tied to them, have served as psychological defenses, especially during childhood. However, while they may have been protective in the past, they are harmful and destructive in adulthood.

The neutral pathways and resulting beliefs and behaviors can be changed, but it requires difficult and consistent inner work.

Toxic individuals tend to be emotionally reactive because they carry unhealed emotional wounds. When present-day situations trigger these old wounds, they unconsciously respond from a place rooted in past experiences. This is why their reactions often seem confusing, overly intense, or hurtful. They’re not just reacting to the present, but to unresolved pain from the past.

It’s also why they can appear to become a completely different person when they’re angry. Anger is often a secondary emotion that masks more vulnerable primary emotions such as shame, grief, or fear.

For meaningful change to occur, a toxic person must rewire their neural pathways at the subconscious level. Talk therapy and positive affirmations alone are unlikely to be sufficient. True healing requires processing and integrating the primary emotions that lie beneath the surface of their anger.

Will the Toxic Person Change?

It depends, but most likely no.

Resistance to change is a natural and expected part of any transformation process. It’s possible to feel resistant and still continue to move forward.

However, you cannot force someone else to change. Lasting personal change must come from within. It requires both the desire to change and the willingness to take action.

Most toxic individuals are not self-motivated to change, largely because they carry deep shame. Shame is one of the most painful emotions a person can feel, and in response, the psyche develops strong defenses to avoid it. These defenses often take the form of anger, blame, or outward criticism — the parts of a toxic person you encounter when they attack you.

Because shame is so difficult to work through, many toxic individuals remain stuck in their defense mechanisms for their entire lives. The catalyst for true change often only sparks when their external circumstances become too painful to ignore, such as when a partner files for divorce, a job is lost, or an addiction spirals out of control.

These crisis moments can shatter the psyche, forcing the toxic person to face reality, acknowledge the need for change, and begin to take accountability.

When this happens, and they feel intrinsically motivated to change, they may seek help and take meaningful action. But without that internal motivation and willingness to face their deeper emotional wounds, sustainable change is unlikely.

Questions to Ask if You’re Hoping for Change

Toxic people have a knack for stringing their partners along with promises of change that never materializes. The below questions will guide you through assessing if your partner truly is changing.

Does the person understand why they need to change? And are they willing to change?

Acknowledgement of the need for change is essential for change. It is impossible for someone to change if they can’t genuinely acknowledge, on their own, that they need to change. However, acknowledgement is only the first step.

A common trap here is that the toxic person agrees they need to change, but then isn’t willing to change. They make empty promises and then revert to their former behaviors.

It’s similar to a smoker who understands the health risks of smoking and knows they need to quit, but isn’t willing to take the necessary steps to quit.

You need the genuine acknowledgment from your partner, but you need to see much more than that.

Has the person decided they’re going to seek help to change, and are they taking action to get that help?

Words without actions are meaningless. Don’t listen to the words, instead, watch their actions.

Do they have the knowledge and ability to change?

It’s a positive and encouraging sign when someone starts seeking out knowledge on how to change. Exploring books, podcasts, and other resources can be very helpful.

But just because someone knows what needs to change, and even if they know how to change, doesn’t mean they are capable of creating and sustaining change.

Real change, especially when it involves deeply ingrained patterns and subconscious beliefs, is not a quick process. Rewiring the brain requires consistent effort, painful emotional work, and a high level of self-awareness that many people don’t possess.

In most cases, people need a coach or therapist to guide them through the resistance, blind spots, and arduous emotional work that is a natural part of healing and changing.

In all cases, they will need to take action beyond reading books or listening to podcasts.

What Should You Do if Your Partner Isn’t Changing?

Sometimes we can become so fixated on changing another person that we stop focusing on our own healing and growth. We can use our partner’s issues as a way to avoid doing our own work.

When you stop fixating on whether your partner is changing, you’ll have the time and energy to apply the above steps and work towards changing yourself. By healing your wounds and rewiring your neural pathways, you will increase your self-worth, have stronger boundaries, and refuse to tolerate toxic behaviors from anyone, including your partner.

Your partner may be inspired by your change and rise to meet you.

Or they won’t.

In either case, you will find peace in this situation once you decide to choose yourself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.