Do you suffer from being a terrible gift-giver? Or have you been on the receiving end of some terrible gifts over the years? I’ve good and bad news for you. The bad news is the illness is incurable, but the good news is with hard work, it’s manageable.
Your relationship can survive terrible gifts — even though Science is against you. Elizabeth Dunn, a psychology professor in her research, concludes:
The receivers of crappy gifts tend to be more pessimistic about the future of the relationship. They turn out to be correct most of the time. But, I’m here to tell you, you can beat the odds — the challenges aren’t insurmountable.
As a lifelong sufferer, I know you can make it to the other side. Take it from someone so bad at gifting — my partner has to start making excuses for me.
- It’s the thought that counts.
- I wasn’t expecting much anyway.
- You were busy with work.
Each occasion to give a gift is another opportunity to fail. Yet, my relationship is still going strong, and so can yours.
Some people are clueless
You feel that your spouse doesn’t appreciate you or, worse, doesn’t love you. That might be the case, but before you make that conclusion — you need to know some people are clueless when it comes to gifts.
It’s not at all a reflection of how much they love you.
As much as the gifts disappoint you, the giver is also livid at their continual failures. Sometimes they can cover up their weakness by buying lots of gifts — hoping one will stick.
One year I flew us to London, booked a luxurious hotel, got tickets to three West End shows — Phantom of Opera, Hamilton, and Lion King. It was overkill but better than giving another terrible gift.
But, such a tactic is not sustainable. It gets expensive. You have Valentines, Christmas, Anniversaries, Birthdays, Mother’s day, etc.
Why are they so terrible?
It’s not you, it’s me. If ever that applied to anything, it’s in this instance. Yes, gift-giving symbolizes love and affection — but some people don’t know how to speak that love language. I would know. I have been trying for 16 years straight.
“Maybe their heads aren’t screwed on just right, shoes are too tight, or their hearts are two sizes too small.” — Dr. Suess.
It’s hard to pinpoint whether it’s nature or nurture or a combination of both.
Some people naturally struggle to make decisions when there are many options. The internet has made gift-giving a nightmare — the options are infinite. I struggle to buy a sandwich at Subway at the best of times. Is it necessary to choose between types of white bread?
On the nurture side of things, some grew up watching abusive parents giving gifts. Gifts can be a ploy to cover up misdeeds. I saw such behavior growing up. It’s then hard to do a 180 and start viewing gifts as expressions of love.
What’s the way forward?
You need to understand that reasons for terrible gifts are more nuanced than a lack of love. It will be helpful to remember the following:
- Your struggles aren’t going away any time soon.
- Lower your expectations.
- You must ask for help.
1. Your struggles aren’t going away anytime soon
On reflection, my struggles didn’t appear midway into the relationship. They were present from the very start. When my then-new girlfriend was sick, I brought her a plant. Why not bring her flowers like any average person?
Now 16 years on, the same struggles persist. 2021 marked rock bottom. I watched my partner buy herself a birthday cake because it didn’t cross my mind to do it for her.
Both partners must prepare for years of frustration around gift-giving. Each failure hits harder than the last one. But, you have to pick yourselves up and try again.
2. Lower your expectations
It helps if both parties lower their expectations. The anxiety levels are already up from previous failures — no need to make them worse by setting high expectations. The giver stresses over what to buy and its reception. The receiver worries about what terrible gift they will get this time.
You can ease the stress by reducing the number of special occasions in a given year. We have reduced ours down to the wedding anniversary and birthdays. Valentines, Christmas, Mother’s day are out.
It would be best if you also gave up on spontaneity. Instead of expecting the miracle of a decent gift from your clueless partner — tell them exactly what you want, where to buy it and how much it costs. It’s not romantic, but it reduces frustration.
3. You must ask for help
You must swallow your pride and ask for help. Terrible gift-givers can luck into great gifts now and then. But, it’s not sustainable. Why play the odds? You can almost guarantee your success by copying successful givers.
Instead of competing, ask for help from your friends who are brilliant at the art of gifting. Please don’t be jealous of them.
A friend of mine who works in a five-star hotel fixed me up for our upcoming anniversary. All I had to do was confess my incompetence. I’m glad I did. Now I’m half excited about the anniversary.
Be at peace and war simultaneously
While not excusing terrible gift-givers, bad gifts communicate love. The fact that you are trying is a sign of love. It’s praiseworthy how you don’t stop even after countless failures.
The red flags start when the terrible gifts stop coming.
An honest chat between the partners in the relationship a must if you want to make it happily to the other side.
Both parties in the relationship need to be at war and peace with terrible gift-giving. Accept the struggle is for a lifetime and try to lessen the hurt by lowering expectations and asking for help.
Thanks to Ellen Nguyen.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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