Crazy, delusional, sick in the head, maybe? How about emotional disorder? Depressed or distressed? Ever thought to equate it with the words chronic illness?
A chronic illness can be the cause of mental instability. A chronic illness can be a mental illness in disguise. Take MS for instance. MS is multiple sclerosis and effects the central nervous system in numerous ways. It can be physical, it can be mental. It can be emotional. The list goes on and on and on and on.
And these effects MS has on a person can cause that person to seem unreliable or indecisive. Once you’ve made up your mind, there’s no turning back. Well, in normal cases…
But, MS has it’s way of changing my mind, at a moment’s notice. Then, I get accused of being shady.
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I always make up my mind to do something. I try not to turn back. But, MS has it’s way of changing my mind, at a moment’s notice. Then, I get accused of being shady. I change my mind and I get charged with being a shady dude.
Some people ARE shady and can be found in some of the most sunny and beautifulest places. Just not here. As a matter of fact. Not anywhere, I’m at. Trust that. You won’t find any shade under any of my trees.
But, for some reason. People who should know me well, misinterpret some of my actions with being shady. Let me put it to you like this. I have a chronic illness that makes it difficult for me to achieve a lot of the things I used to. Like going out. Walking places. Even something so simple as thinking straight.
This is not to say that I don’t think for myself. Its just that a lot of the thoughts that I used to have and take for granted, I just don’t have the mind power for, anymore.
So, when I say ‘No. I don’t feel like it.’ Or ‘No, I can’t make it.’ Or even if I agree to be there and at the very last minute, I change my mind because I don’t feel as good anymore. Know and understand, it’s not me being shady. If you know me like that. You should know me like that.
A chronic illness like mine is here forever. Bad days come and go at any given time of the year. No regard for holidays. No days off.
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And it’s not just me. I don’t expect any special treatment. Just a bit of understanding. A chronic illness like mine is here forever. Bad days come and go at any given time of the year. No regard for holidays. No days off. If my illness feels like acting out in the middle of the day, for no apparent reason at all. I have no control over that. Not just my body gets aggravated. My mind, too.
Talk about down and out. I’m down in the dumps everyday of my life. I just mask it very well. Never let them see you sweat was not just Putin’s credo. I’ve learned to apply this to every aspect of my life. I’m doing bad right now, as I write. But the world will never know. ‘Any display of weakness is a fatal flaw.’
So, I’m not being shady when I cancel plans at the last minute. Or maybe I don’t even cancel. More important things on my mind. Like overcoming the current hurdle. Feeling better so I can rejuvenate myself. I can’t help you. I need to help myself right now.
But, as a man. I cannot just sit back and do nothing. I have to contribute. To my family. To myself. To society.
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I have a hard enough time getting out of the bed. Daily. Only reason I get out of bed is because I have a job. Only reason I have a job is because I have responsibilities. Hell yea, I wouldn’t mind staying at home, enjoying some free time and recuperating. But, as a man. I cannot just sit back and do nothing. I have to contribute. To my family. To myself. To society. In that order.
Unlike a common cold or the flu, even. I can’t lay down until I feel better. I feel better when my illness wants me to. So, I just cope with it. It may never go away and it can disrupt my life a lot, in more ways than you can imagine.
So, if I call you asking to reschedule a time we had planned to get together. Know and understand that I am not being shady. I really want to keep my plans. Just that my illness is not on the same page as I am, right now. My body has a date with my bed. My mind has ingested way too much for the day. I forgot about those plans. In my world, that’s a brain fart. Pardon me.
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