[In this series, I want to paint a picture of ten different types of family systems, what it means to grow up in one of those family systems, and what you can do to deal with the consequences of having grown up in one of these families. Today we look at sad and anxious families. By the way, if you want to learn more about training to become a relationship coach, let me know at [email protected] and I’ll explain!]
Family members can demand a lot of one another, do an awful lot of criticizing, and engage in endless arguments. The 50% of marriages that end in divorce are regularly preceded by mutual criticism, high-pitched demands, and relentless disagreements.
Arguments erupt at every stage of the life cycle: a parent with his or her two-year-old, a parent with his or her teenager, a parent with his or her adult child, an adult child with his or her aging parent. If you were raised in a demanding, critical, or argumentative family, or if you find yourself in one now, you know how taxing that is!
Take Jackson, a coaching client of mine. Jackson was the second youngest of six children growing up in a loud, tense household. Everyone yelled and screamed; even the activity of passing the peas and potatoes at dinner could cause so loud a ruckus that something would break or someone would get hit.
The standard decibel level of communication was a shout and everyone seemed always to be holding a grudge against someone else in the family. Nor did gender enter into it: his mother was as loud as his father and his sisters were as loud as his brothers. A few times matters got out of hand enough that the neighbors called the police.
Embarrassed by his family’s antics and desperate to stay out of the line of fire, Jackson lived with his headphones on so as to block out the noise. But someone was always pulling his headphones off his head to make some point: his mother to yell at him for not keeping his room shipshape, his father to yell at him for some grievance now weeks or months old, his older sister to yell at him for not taking her side at dinner, his older brother to first smack him and then yell at him for embarrassing him at school by his choice of clothes.
Jackson suffered from stomachaches and headaches; he couldn’t keep weight on; and while he didn’t quite have a name for what he was feeling, it was clearly despair. I asked him if he could think of anything to try. He shook his head: what could he try when he didn’t even have permission to lock his bedroom door! The one time he tried to wedge a chair up against the door, to get some privacy, his father just about broke the door down and surely would have if Jackson hadn’t yanked the chair away. No, Jackson said, he could see absolutely nothing to try.
I wondered if there were any other family members with whom he might live—or at least take a break. There weren’t. I wondered if there might be one prospective ally in the family. There wasn’t. But he paused and grew thoughtful. “My oldest brother is getting out of the Marines soon and coming home. He’s not all screwed up like everyone else in the family. You know … I wonder.” I gave him time to think. “You know,” he said, “if I invite him to room with me and he accepts, there is nobody going to barge in on him or mess with him. No one!” “Not even your father?” I asked. “Not even my father,” Jackson replied, smiling.
Jackson reached out via email to his brother, explained the situation, invited him to room with him, and got back the reply that his brother was willing. “It’s like Walking Tall,” Jackson said. “It’s like the Rock coming home.” I knew that movie and nodded. Jackson was ecstatic. But how many people have the Rock or another Marine arriving to rescue them? Virtually no one has a family bodyguard showing up on the afternoon train. What is everyone else supposed to do?
“Thinking thoughts that serve you” ceremony
Growing up in a demanding, critical or argumentative family, or living in one now, your self-talk is almost guaranteed to turn harsh, punitive, and self-critical. Wouldn’t you expect that to happen?
What can really help you deal with that unfortunate reality is ceremonially reminding yourself that you want to only think thoughts that serve you. This is a different idea from some related ideas from cognitive therapy that you may already know. Here the focus isn’t on whether a thought is rational or irrational, positive or negative, or even true or false. The focus is on whether or not the thought serves you. If it doesn’t serve you, there is no reason to think it!
A thought is not serving you if its underlying intention is to defeat you, mock you, or criticize you. Many true, rational thoughts are really self-defeating declarations like “Be scared now!” and “Don’t try that!” and “You don’t have a chance in hell!” A thought like, “Wow, there are a lot of people trying to become what I want to become” means one thing to one person and another thing to another person. If it means to you, “I had better be savvy, energetic and fearless,” that’s fine. However, if it means to you, “I have absolutely no chance,” it is not a thought that serves you. The words are the same in each case—but not the meaning or the intention.
Don’t allow yourself to countenance a thought just because a given string of words sound plausible or truthful. Discern why you are stringing those words together. If you’ve a created a thought so as to harm yourself, do not countenance that thought. Instead, have a serious chat with yourself about what’s going on underneath.
Today, if and when you think a thought that feels “off,” ask yourself the following simple question in a calm, serious, ceremonial way: “Where did that thought come from?” See if you can begin to discern the origins of the thoughts that harm you. Our thoughts arise for reasons, including self-defeating and self-sabotaging ones. When you hear a thought that feels off, don’t ask, “Is that a true thought?” or “Is that a rational thought?” Instead ask, “Where did that thought come from?” and “Is that a thought that serves me?” Starting today, begin only to think thoughts that serve you!
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On Loveless and Distant Families
On Warring and Divided Families
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
